Getting Back to Us
by socks-lost
Summary: After the season two finale. Maura and Jane try to find their way back to each other. Lots of angst. Eventual Rizzles. Spoilers for season two finale.
1. Time

**A/N: **I'm going to leave a longer Author's Note at the end. I'm just saying that this is after season two so it has spoilers for all episodes up to and including 2x15.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own these characters. The people at TNT, Janet Tamaro, and Tess Gerritsen do. This is strictly for entertainment purposes only, am not making money off this nor do I ever plan to.

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The incessant pounding on her door did not stop. It had been going on for five minutes. Jane's already aching head was pounding with every knock. The person had more resilience than her own mother. She finally stood up ready to tell the person off. If it was a neighbor needing milk or sugar she was going to be a very angry detective.

Maura stood on the opposite side of the solid wood door. How many times had she stood in this very position waiting on Jane? Whether it was for a run or movie night or just to hang out she had stood there waiting for the other woman to open the door. But this time was the only time she felt awkward, the only time she thought she might not be wanted.

Frost had told her that Jane was injured. Angela had said Jane checked out of the hospital and that her daughter wouldn't let anyone take care of her. Maura had been sent as a last resort. Maura was the only person Jane let see her when she was less than strong. Maura refused to say the word 'weak.' Jane had never been weak in the entire time she'd known the detective. But that was a long time ago. The two hadn't spoken to each other in four months. They still worked well with each other at work, surprisingly, but Jane never went to the morgue without Frost or Korsak and Maura never ventured up to Homicide. It had been four months since the incident at the burned down warehouse. All the initial drama was over. Maura's mother, Patrick Doyle, and Special Agent Dean all made full recoveries. The only ones left to recover were Jane and Maura. Maura was ready to bury the hatchet and rekindle her relationship with Jane. She just hoped the detective was also ready.

After what seemed like an eternity to Maura she finally heard the three locks on Jane's apartment door click and the door in front of her swung open. "What?" Jane practically yelled without looking at the person in her doorway. Once her eyes landed on Maura her heart could have stopped. She was the last person Jane expected on her doorstep. "Why are you here?" Her mouth felt dry all of a sudden.

Maura surveyed her best friend. The taller woman standing before her looked nothing like the strong detective she knew. Her shoulders were slumped forward, caving in on herself. There was a back sling hung around her shoulder encasing her left arm. Frost had said she was shoved down a flight of stairs. She had dislocated her left shoulder and got a small knock to the head. But behind all of that, Jane looked thinner. Dark circles were under bloodshot eyes. Her hair was limp like it too didn't have the strength to fight anymore. This was not Jane. This woman was someone she had never met before and it scared her more than she cared to admit. Had she broken Jane Rizzoli? "You checked out of the hospital, Jane. Head injuries can be tricky. You should at least have someone watch over you for the nigh –"

"Oh! And you think you're the one for the job, huh?" Jane interrupted. "What you think you can just waltz into my home like – like you belong here? It's been months, Maura! Months! You haven't spoken to me at all on something that didn't involve a case in four months. So what, it takes me getting my ass handed to me for you to come check on me? No."

Maura was taken aback by her words. She wasn't sure what she expected coming to see Jane, but this definitely wasn't it. "I care about you, Jane. I'm ready to move on."

"You care about me? Since when?" Jane could feel her walls tumbling to the ground, like she was standing alone in the middle of a battlefield wounded, the last to leave the toppling building, a captain going down with his ship. Once she let those words slip out everything came tumbling out fast and hard. "You left. I know in your fancy life growing up if you didn't like something you could throw it away. But that's not what normal people do, Maura!" All the hurt that had been building in her heart for the past four months exploded in that one moment. Tears were now crashing down her face. Her voice was cracking, stumbling on all the words. But she couldn't stop. "You're not supposed to just leave. You can't just go. You have to fix things. You have to face your demons. And you left Maura. You left me and you left Boston and you stopped trying. I tried. I apologized. I – I wrote you a letter explaining my side. I…" She took a deep a breath. Months of unsaid tension was being released in the hallway. "You chose him over me, Maura. You picked him. I know he's your biological father and it's complicated but I'm your best friend." She shoved her right thumb into her own chest. Her heart was thudding loudly against her ribs. "I've always been there for you. I've been there every time he's come trampling through your life causing messes. I've always been there. I tried to make this work. I tried to get you to talk to me, hate me, hit me, anything but you just shut me out. You threw me out of your life like last year's clothing, like I meant nothing to you. And it _hurts_." Maura was crying now too but Jane found she was too upset to care. "I thought, maybe you just needed time. After everything got settled you'd come around. But I was wrong. After your mom and Doyle recovered you went to Africa for a month. Without telling me."

"I came back." Maura bravely interrupted her voice almost a whisper.

"You still left." Jane shot back angrily. "I got investigated by Internal Affairs and I refused to tell them that you two were related. I refused to tell them because I knew that even though you hated me I didn't want some stupid person with a grudge to come after you because you were related to him. I nearly lost my job. For you. And where the hell were you? Gallivanting around Africa with your felon of a boyfriend." Jane spat. "Everyone just kept telling me you needed time, time, time. Well I waited, Maura! Month after month after month and nothing changed. So you know what?" Jane took a step back inside her home, standing more behind the door. "Now, I'm just angry all the time. I'm angry at my stupid life, at my damn job, at Dean, at Doyle. I'm angry at you. But most of all, I'm just angry with myself. Because I really thought…" Jane's voice trailed off. "Well that doesn't matter now, does it?" She asked sarcastically. "It's my turn for time." Then Jane slammed the door.

Maura stood in shock as she heard the deadbolt click into place from Jane's side of the door. Jane had locked her out. A small sob escaped her lips. Is this what Jane had felt like during their whole time apart? She hated this. Maura who had been so used to people leaving her had never had anyone fight for her. She had never had someone care enough to fix the problems. Before Jane she had never known that fighting for someone was even an option. The few times they had fought it was always Jane who apologized, Jane who chased after her, Jane who reacted first. Maura was always the one that retreated. She was always the one that left. Now karma was rearing its ugly head on her in twisted role reversal. Sobs filled the hallways as Maura made her way down the stairs.

A small part of her wanted to keep with old habits. She wanted to leave the detective's doorstep and never speak to her again outside of work. But the other part, the biggest part, the part where Jane had dug herself into and made a home, desperately wanted her best friend back. She started her car, a plan forming in her head. She would give Jane space. But she would be back.

…

Jane leaned her back against the closed her. Her body shook violently with her own silent cries. She could hear Maura on the other side struggling with her own broken heart. _I caused this, _she thought bitterly, _I caused all of this. _Her heart hurt. _It's better this way. You'll just go to work and go home. No distractions. No nothing. Just work. You can handle that. _Wiping her pajama sleeve across her nose she hobbled to her bedroom for another restless night of sleep. Glancing at the clock on her night stand she found that it was two in the morning, if she was lucky her mother wouldn't come bursting into her apartment at six. She took the sling off her shoulder throwing it across the room. She moved under the covers on her right side resting her sore arm across the pillow she brought to her chest. She curled up in the fetal position. Jo Friday jumped on to the bed nestling into her owner's back. Jane continued to cry into the dark room until sleep finally overtook her worn out body.

…

An hour later Maura sat at her kitchen table in Jane's clothes with Jane's unopened letter sitting in front of her. She had never read it. When Jane sent it by mail three and a half months ago she wanted nothing to do with the detective. She had felt betrayed and angry. But now she was alone, she needed Jane. She needed the comfort of a friend. The envelope and the clothing were the closest thing to Jane she had at the moment. She took a deep breath trying to still the nerves building in her chest. With shaking hands she opened the envelope and began to read.

_Maura,_

_I know you're mad at me. You have every right to be. I put my faith in the wrong person and you got caught in the middle. I have no right to demand anything from you. You don't have to read this but I hope you will. I hope I didn't destroy our entire relationship with one bullet. I know I should say this in person but you won't talk to me. You won't even look at me. You're hurt. I hurt you. And I deserve whatever you throw at me; I just wish you would talk to me. Right now you only have your side of the story. I want to tell you mine. _

_The event at the warehouse was not the first time I put your life in danger, but it will hopefully be the last. I've spoken with Cavanaugh and Frost and Korsak. You won't be joining us in the field anymore if there's not a dead body or crime scene present. Your life has been put in danger too many times already. It's not because I think you can't protect yourself, because I know you can. I just can't bear the thought of you not existing anymore because you went out of your job description to help us on a case. Your life is important. Even if you rightfully never speak to me again, I want you to be safe. _

_Before I get into my side of the story, I want you to know that you wouldn't have gotten shot. If Doyle hadn't been there you would have still been safe. I wouldn't have let you get hurt. I had the shot on the suspect the whole time. I would've taken it. And even if I didn't you'd still be okay because I would have distracted him, I would have yelled or done something. I would've gladly taken the bullet for you. Your life is much more important than mine. There will always be another cop ready to take my place but there's only one you. I'm not sure you know the full impact you have on people. I would step between you and harm any day. You would have been fine. _

Tears fell harder down Maura's face. Jane, _her Jane, _had written these words. She could feel the detective's sincerity like she was in the room reading along with her.

_You were there through all the planning. You knew we didn't plan on Doyle or Dean showing up. How could we? A rouge FBI Agent and an Irish Crime Boss popping up in the middle of our run of the mill murder investigation, it just didn't make sense. But having them there brought two unknowns into the picture. Having them there ruined our carefully set out plan. They were two pieces that didn't fit into our puzzle. _

_When our suspect pulled a gun on you, I was terrified. A shot rang out from somewhere we couldn't see. Then Agent Dean was moving, firing his weapon. He didn't even care that a civilian was in the room. He didn't care that you could have gotten hit in the crossfire. Sometimes I forget why us cops hate the FBI, we run on a different rule book. I saw you crouched covering your head right there in the middle of it all. If a bullet had so much as ricocheted off of a wall or a pillar you could have gotten hit. I just wanted it to stop. Then Dean fell. I waited for Doyle to drop his weapon. I gave him a chance. I know you don't think I did but I did. I waited as long as a cop can wait before a decision has to be made. When Doyle trained his gun on me and Frost I had no choice. _

_Maybe Doyle wouldn't have shot his weapon at us. Maybe it was a warning. Maybe everything would have been fine. Maybe he would have slunk off into the night back to wherever he goes after he makes a mess of people's lives. Maybe then you'd still be talking to me. But I haven't survived this long on the job on maybes. I'm willing to die for you. I'm willing to die for my job, Maura. But I'll put my own gun to my head before I am ever responsible to for the death of a fellow good cop. I couldn't live with myself if I got my partner killed. I'm not sure you understand or that you want to understand but that was a very real threat whether you want to believe it or not. _

_That's my piece. I just wanted you to know my side so you can make an informed decision. I'm willing to give you the space you need. If you never want to talk to me again outside a case, that's something that I'll have to live with. _

_Love,  
Jane _

By the time she finished Maura folded her arms in front of her on the table dropping her head to them. Her shoulders shook with violent sobs. She was so tired of feeling things. That's why she was in this mess to begin with. She had been reacting on emotions and feelings. She wasn't used to any of this. She was hurt and betrayed and sad. Jane had been so good to her. Jane had given her a home, a new family, a sense of belonging. She protected her. _Whatever you want, I can get it. _Those words had come straight from Jane's mouth the first time Patrick Doyle came tumbling into her life. Jane saved her from Hoyt. Through all the people that had come and gone through her life like a revolving door Jane had stayed. And what had she done? She left. She didn't even listen to Jane's side, which now suddenly made some things clearer. It had answered the 'why?' she so desperately needed. But instead of dealing with the problems she froze the detective out, ruined the first real friendship she had ever had.

Maura cried into her kitchen table until she couldn't feel anything. She cried until her eyes were dry and exhaustion hung to her body like a second skin. She walked into the guest bedroom. She fell into the sheets that smelled like Jane's lavender body wash. She would fix this. Together they would get over this. _No more running. _She thought before drifting off into a restless slumber.

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**A/N: **So.

The Jane in my head likes confrontation, she doesn't like silence, and she doesn't like it when people leave things unfinished. Now that may be totally out of character but that's the way I think. (If you look at all their fights she's always the first to apologize. Even in He Aint Heavy He's My Brother she still went down to the morgue to talk to Maura after they fought. She didn't apologize but she didn't shut Maura out either.) The Maura in my head avoids confrontation. She leaves, not because she thinks it's not worth it but because it's all she's ever known. After what happened at the warehouse I think they're both hurting. (Chapter two gets into Maura's side, since this was mostly Jane's.)

Anyways. I am very, very close to being done with chapter two. I know where it's all going to end. So this is not a one shot. It'll probably last between 4-6 chapters. I'll post chapter two in a week (on Sunday night.) Thanks for reading!


	2. Realizations

**A/N: **First, whoa. Thank you! Wow. I just. Yeah. Words. Thanks for all the alerts and the reviews. They really kept me feeling like not an idiot. (What is with that sentence? Gah.) Second, sorry this is so freakin' long! I don't know what happened. I wrote it out long hand then started typing it and it just yeah. 4,000 + words later here we are. Third, there are a lot of you reading this and I feel like I'm going to disappoint y'all at some point. So I'm just going to go ahead and apologize for that in advance. Fourth, I don't think I'm good at writing Maura. So there's that disclaimer.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the characters used in this fanfiction. Not making money off this etc.

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The next morning Maura found herself knocking on the door to her guesthouse. She hoped Angela wouldn't be the second Rizzoli in as many days to slam the door in her face. She fidgeted with her hands as she waited for the door to open. Thoughts of Jane hung in her head.

Angela opened the door with a knowing look on her face. "I was wondering when you would show up at the door." At Maura's silence and sheepishness Angela smiled kindly at her. "Come in, come in!" She said ushering Maura in the house. Angela led Maura by the hand to the kitchen table. Angela started making breakfast for the other woman. The silence in the room was neither uncomfortable nor awkward. Maura took the time to gather her thoughts.

"How do I fix it?" It was not what she had been planning to say. She meant to ask something else entirely. She meant to ask why Jane had tried so hard and then when Maura was finally ready to move on she blocked her path like a solid brick wall. Because Jane was in the wrong. Wasn't she? This whole thing was because of Jane. Jane had shot her father – biological father – she corrected herself. She had a dad, long before she knew about Patrick Doyle and that did not change. But the Irish Crime Boss connected her to a life, a different life, one where she could've had a brother or sister. A life with parents who knew what she needed, what she wanted, without being told or asked.

Doyle was the only person she knew that knew who her biological mother was. Her overly scientific brain needed to know what else ran through her blood. Whose eyes did she have? Did she look more like her biological mother or Doyle? Did she have her biological mother's smile? Those were things young kids were always told growing up. She had heard it constantly in playgrounds and social events. Men with graying hair telling sons of business owners they were just like their dad, they had the same smile or the same eyebrows. Occasionally someone would remark that she looked like her mother but it was purely coincidence and meant nothing. She loved her parents, they raised her, they gave her a life and opportunities when they didn't have to but there was so much to learn, so much she didn't know.

When Jane shot Doyle and she watched him fall from the catwalk she felt betrayed. Jane knew she needed to know who her biological mother was. Jane knew that Doyle was the only one that knew. And she still shot him. All of her dreams of finding out answers fell with him, or so she thought. Maura shouldn't have to figure out a way to apologize to Jane. Jane should have to come to her. Then she remembered Jane's words. Jane was hurt too. Jane was right, she had left. But that's how she dealt with things, and Jane should know that. She placed her elbows on the table putting her hands over her face. This was all just such a mess.

Angela let the question linger in the air while she finished preparing the breakfast and thought of what to say. Maura was very different than Jane. With her daughter all she had to do was say something completely opposite of what she knew Jane was thinking and Jane would snap. Jane was headstrong; she never wanted anyone to think she was thinking something she wasn't. Jane would always set the record straight. But Maura was different. The way she presented herself to people, the way she sat, the way she spoke, the way she ate, all of it was so different than Jane. Even the doctor's posture at that moment was different than Jane would ever sit when she was hurt. Maura's back was straight and her hands rested in her lap after coming to her face just once. She stared straight ahead. Not a single button was out of place on her blouse; her hair was made, her makeup done. Everything was in order. If Angela herself didn't know the younger woman she wouldn't suspect a thing was wrong. But Angela did know Maura, not as well as Jane but she knew her. After moving into the guesthouse and during Jane's recovery from her self-inflicted gunshot they had bonded.

She knew enough about Maura and Jane's relationship to know that they needed each other. The last four months without their bond was dragging both of them into a hole. Jane had reverted back into work. She did absolutely nothing else. It was work then sleep and repeat. She brought her work home with her, neglected her health, put every single fiber of her being into each and every case. Angela feared she would get burnt out or worse. She couldn't bear the thought of another Hoyt, another man threatening her daughter's life. The man still tortured her beyond the grave. If Angela had the chance she would have put a scalpel to his heart way before Jane did for doing what he did to her daughter. She sighed out loud flipping a pancake over. But Maura had also reverted. She didn't know Maura before Jane but she could tell the doctor was more scientific than usual. She was more reserved and distant. They were each others' yin and yang. Angela put the food she prepared on a plate and placed it in front of the doctor.

Maura jumped slightly, looking down. She was about to refuse the food before she saw what was on the yellow plate. _Bunny pancakes. _Angela had remembered her conversation with Jane in the precinct café months ago. Her posture softened immensely, she was safe. "Thank you."

Angela sat across from her, her own breakfast finished long before Maura had arrived. "The Rizzoli family doesn't do anything quietly. We don't let our anger fester. We're loud when we're upset. We're those people you see in the grocery store yelling at each other in the middle of the milk isle. We confront our problems head on. I can't count the number of times I've had to pull Frankie or Tommy off of each other or Jane for that matter." She chuckled slightly at the memories. "Growing up the way Jane did she got this idea in her head that she's not supposed to run away from anything. She has to face all her demons. Sometimes she forgets that not everyone is like that. She forgets that some people need space to figure things out. She forgets and then she gets hurt. In her mind, when people leave or don't talk about things or whatever it is she thinks it means they're gone for good." She sighed folding a small dish towel over her leg. "Take her father for example. She hasn't spoken to him since he left." She paused clearing her throat. She needed to get back on track; this was not about her and her ex-husband. "The point is it takes Jane a while to accept something she doesn't like. You went to Africa for a month, you refused to speak to her for four and I'm pretty sure we'd not be having this conversation if I hadn't sent you last night to check on her." She sent Maura a knowing look before continuing. "That made her think that maybe you weren't coming back. Maybe you really don't want to be her friend. Maybe you can't forgive her for whatever it is she's done. She accepted that. And then you went to her last night and I'm assuming she yelled at you?" Maura nodded. "She just doesn't want to get her hopes up. Jane is sensitive. She likes to think she's not but she's just got such a big heart. Knowing that she hurt you is probably weighing on her a lot. It's going to take a while before she can even forgive herself." She looked Maura in the eye. "If you really want to fix it, just talk to her. Tell her how you feel, tell her your side."

Maura narrowed her eyes. Was it really that easy? All she had to do was talk to Jane? Then everything would be okay? Everything Angela had said made sense. She knew Jane. She knew the woman she saw the night before was wounded and more than just physically. Their separation did more than just hurt Maura. If she knew anything about her best friend she knew Jane was probably blaming herself. The other woman was probably just as tired of all this as she was. Maura sighed. When had life gotten so complicated? She thanked Angela before making her way back to her home. Sitting on her couch she thought about the way she was raised and why she was the way she was.

She had a lonely childhood. Other kids found her boring and she just couldn't force herself to interact with them. She had a nanny when she was younger that would take her to the playground while her parents worked. Seeing all the other kids playing hop scotch and sliding with each other down slides made her giddy and uncomfortable all at the same time. She wanted to join. She wanted to play tag and Red Rover but even at the young age of seven she just didn't know how to ask. The few times she tried she was met with laughs or unwanted stares. More often than not she found herself sitting alone in the sandbox or under the neon colored slide or under a tree reading a book that was too big for her.

One boy, she remembered, found her under the slide reading a book. He told her she was pretty. His name was Ricky. He was sweaty and had lost both of his front teeth. He said he was hiding from the cops. He then explained, after seeing her alarmed look, he and his friends were playing cops and robbers. She didn't know what that game was but it sounded dangerous. He sat with her for what seemed like hours in their children's minds. The reality was only maybe five minutes. But just as Maura was beginning to think this boy was her friend or could have been her friend the 'cops' showed up. Three other little boys came sliding into their utopia with fingers held like guns yelling 'Pew-pew-pew.' She always remembered this story because for a while anytime anyone mentioned guns this was the first thought that popped into her head. She knew scientifically guns made louder, more different sounds but this was her only experience with "guns". Thus psychologically the memory was already in place. It wasn't until much later she would realize that guns made loud, life-changing sounds. She wouldn't realize until much later that guns were dangerous in the wrong hands and a hero's honor in the right ones.

The toothless boy dropped her book into the small rocks as if it had been on fire while the other boys made kissing sounds with their mouths. Ricky ran from under the slide with the others chasing him, finger guns aimed and at the ready. It wasn't the last time her life would be interrupted by gunfire. After that meeting she had mainly stuck to the sandbox or the trees, somewhere safe and boring, like her. She stuck to places she would not be interrupted, where she could read in peace. She was always on the outside looking in. She was always a part of something but never belonging there, like she was simply there to keep a seat warm or for background noise.

Then there were her parents. Her whole life she had known she was adopted. Her parents told her before she was even in pre-school. They wanted her to know because they didn't want her to find out somehow and feel like her whole life was a lie. They considered her their daughter and they loved her that was all that mattered they said. Young Maura rationalized their words, it made sense and she was grateful. But in her grade school days she had a fear that grew and grew without reassurance. Knowing she was adopted made her fear that if she did the wrong thing her parents would send her back to wherever it was she came from. In her young mind that place was not a good place. She didn't know how to ask them for that reassurance. She kept it to herself and tried her best to be the best that she could be so they wouldn't have a reason to send her away.

Her father would sit with her most nights, during her younger days. He would read to her. Some nights would be fiction, some nights it would be poetry, and sometimes it would be non-fiction biographies of famous men and women. _You can be anything you want to be, darling. _He would say with a smile and a kiss to her forehead. She would get lost in the words and her father's voice until she would finally fall asleep. When she was old enough, after she learned how to read, he gave her the book to read out loud. He would smile as he helped her with words she couldn't quite pronounce. When she could read without the help he stopped coming to her room. Instead he had a bookcase brought up to her room that she could fill with her own books. Maura who was never good at asking for things, couldn't find the words to tell him she missed him reading to her, that even though she could read on her own she liked hearing the sound of his voice as she fell asleep.

The time Maura spent with her mother was mostly during shopping outings. She never had to ask. Her mother would take one look at her too short dresses or sore feet from too small shoes and whisk her away to a children's boutique. It was in these outings that she felt most connected to her mother. She loved the way her mother's eyes would light up at a particular outfit and how she would describe why it was so special, how she would teach her all the ins and outs of clothing and fashion. They would spend hours together with the manager of the store sorting through different pieces. It gave her a connection, a gateway, much like reading had done with her father. Her mother was an artist. _Art was beautiful_, she would say. Then she'd look at Maura hug her close whispering_ Just like you_ in her ear. Part of her wanted to grow forever just so she could keep those moments. But once again after she was adequately versed in fashion and was old enough she was sent off with her own money by herself to buy her own clothes.

She shut Jane out because it's how she was raised. She wasn't brought up with a 'normal' family. Her parents were socialites with friends in high places. Most of them were snide, passive aggressive people full of backhanded compliments. No one said anything offensive outright to others' faces. If someone was offended they left and didn't invite that person to other functions. It was all about saving face, avoiding a scene and avoiding confrontation in the public eye. The art of deflection was something she had learned early on in her life during the many dinner parties her parents threw.

Then there was boarding school and college and life just happened. She drifted from her parents. She made friends. She met men that she fell in love with. She started to become her own person but she was so lost. But Jane had changed that. Jane ruined everything. The detective had flipped her world completely upside down, made it turn on a different axis. Jane was the first real, best friend she ever had. Jane also scared her to death.

She met Jane right after Jane's first encounter with Charles Hoyt. Quickly she realized Jane was the type of woman that demanded respect from everyone. She was loud and bold and wasn't afraid of asking for what she wanted. Maura was completely blown away. She had never met someone, much less a woman, like that in her high society life. The taller woman both amazed her and terrified her all at the same time. She was a contradiction to everything she had ever known.

Their first crime scene together one of the other detectives was grumbling about how long she was taking surveying the body. Maura was just going to ignore it, like she did to all of their comments. But then Jane strutted on scene. "Finally, Rizzoli." The detective said. "Queen of the Dead here is taking forever and I got a hot date. Case is yours." Maura would have tuned him out but he was loud and had a demanding voice. She knew the moniker, it had bothered her at first but then she had gotten used to it. Maura expected Jane to agree or say nothing. Suffice to say she hadn't known the female detective long.

Maura was still bent over the body writing things down and asking her people to do certain things for her. Then everything seemed to stop. She looked up. Jane's shoulders squared off as she faced her colleague. "I've had it with your 'Queen of the Dead' bullshit." Jane's words were clear, her rough voice sounded slightly menacing. "That woman," Jane pointed in her direction. Maura could feel all eyes on her. She felt a blush creeping up her neck. She never blushed. She did not like this. She was not used to this. "Is our Chief Medical Examiner. Without her, we have no case. She's as much part of this team as me or anyone else for that matter. You all need to back off and treat her with the respect she deserves." Maura was awestruck. No one had ever stood up for her. No one had chosen her. No one had tried to connect with her before. But this woman, whom she had only met once, did just that. Jane walked up to her afterwards and put a scarred hand on her shoulder. "Don't worry about them. They filled my desk with tampons my first week of homicide. They're a bunch of lousy guys sometimes but they're good cops." After that most people stopped using the nickname, mostly out of fear of the Rizzoli Wrath But they had stopped. Jane had brought her into a different society than she was used to that day, one that was known for its blue bond. She made her feel like she belonged somewhere, like she was part of a team. She didn't feel as lost after that.

But it also brought on a whole slew of problems. Jane had introduced her to this brand new world. Often times it seemed she was spinning without a map to look to for direction. Jane became her compass. She would show her what she said was right or wrong by her facial expressions. Jane was easy to read unless she was purposefully guarding herself. Jane seemed to understand though. She had taken Maura under her wing. They became friends. It was Maura's first time ever having a true friend, a true best friend. She was scared often times that Jane would pick someone better, someone who understood sarcasm or someone with a more similar background.

Then Jane shot Doyle. And it felt like Jane _was_ choosing someone over her. Maybe it was Dean or Frost or the badge the detective had on her right hip, but Jane wasn't thinking about Maura when she fired her weapon. That much was clear even to Maura who was still swimming with a life jacket when it came to the waters of friendships. She felt insecure about their relationship for the first time ever. She felt like her life was spinning more and more out of control. She had lost her compass. First her mother nearly died – which had been bad enough – then there was Doyle and it was all just too much. She had to leave. She needed space. She had to think. Maura needed to get some semblance of control back into her life. So after her mother and Doyle both recovered she went to Africa. Leaving was the only thing she had ever known. Angela was right. She wouldn't have ever gone to Jane on her own without someone forcing her to. But now that she had she needed the detective back in her life. She needed the connection. With Jane she saw a glimpse of a life she could have, a life she didn't know she wanted until Jane showed her. Now she needed that life and she couldn't have it without Jane.

She groaned uncharacteristically as she made her way up to her bedroom. She changed into some running clothes deciding to go for a run in the middle of the afternoon on a Saturday despite the fact that she was more of an early morning runner. She needed to clear her head.

Later in the early evening her doorbell rang. Her fluttered for a moment in her chest. Maybe it was Jane? She placed the book she was reading down and stood from her place on the floor next to Bass. Maura opened the door to find a different Rizzoli.

Frankie Rizzoli stood on the opposite side of the door with a knowing look on his face. "Ma told me to come get you for dinner." Before she could argue he grabbed her hand, closed the door behind her, and pulled her towards the guesthouse. Maura didn't have it in her to fight it. She was too tired of fighting anyways.

Dinner had been a quiet affair. Maura was too busy thinking about Jane to speak much. Angela was too busy looking at Maura and thinking about her daughter to talk. Frankie and Tommy were too busy eating to even care about the problems of the women in their lives. Jane had stopped going to family dinners the month Maura went to Africa, which was the second month of their self-imposed separation. So when Jane skipped this dinner no one was shocked.

Maura sat at the table glancing at the empty chair on her left. _Now who's the one running? _Given the choice Jane always sat on her left. When Maura had asked about it long ago early in their friendship Jane had made a face before going into a very long detailed reason of why she had to sit on Maura's left. Jane had said it was because she was left handed and Maura was right handed. If they were sitting at a booth or next to each other at the table their arms would continually bump into each other. Than Jane had gone into a story of how one time she sat at Frankie's right at a restaurant. They had ended up knocking over both of their drinks and the bread basket. Maura had laughed at the thought of the two young Rizzoli siblings. Jane said it wouldn't have been so funny if it was red wine on her beige carpet. Jane always sat on her left. But that spot was empty now. She hoped it wouldn't be empty forever.

At the end of dinner Angela was going to send Frankie to Jane's with a plate of food, Frankie all but dragged Maura to the car with him.

At first Maura felt guilty walking into Jane's apartment without the other woman's consent. But then she started noticing things around the apartment, things that she'd never seen before. There were case files on the floor, copies of reports on the coffee table, pushpins with mug shots hung on the walls, and dirty clothes littered every other available space. She had heard of people bringing their work home but this was a bit extreme. "It was worse, before Hoyt." Frankie said in a quiet voice making his way into the kitchen. Is this what Jane had been like before they met? All about work? She swallowed hard, once again facing the fact that she wasn't the only one hurt. She picked up the dirty clothes while Frankie worked on the trash.

Once the living room was picked up Maura glanced at Frankie. He nodded his head at her silent question. She took a deep breath making her way into Jane's room. Jo Friday yipped excitedly at the intrusion before bounding to Maura's feet. The doctor was frightened that the small dog would wake her friend but the lump on the bed did not move. She ushered Jo Friday from the room and closed the door.

After her eyes adjusted to the darkness she began picking up more of Jane's clothing. It was a wonder the woman had any clean clothes left to wear. She stepped closer to the bed. Jane had a pillow clutched to her chest and one long, tan, bare leg stuck out of the covers. Even in sleep the detective cradled her injured arm. Maura sighed quietly forcing herself not to reach out and stroke the other woman's face. She always liked watching Jane sleep. The hardness of her features seemed to soften and the stress melted from her bones. She was peaceful and soft; it was a whole other side to the detective that so few people had the chance to see. _Jane's got a big heart. _Angela's words came floating back to her. Maura knew that, she'd known that for a long time. _She didn't think you'd come back. _Maura shook her head. She left a note on the nightstand along with a bottle of water and an easy open Advil bottle. After walking out of the room she looked around once more at the mug shots of mean looking men and women. She didn't know how Jane could live like this. Everything was just such a mess. With Jo Friday in toe Maura and Frankie left Jane's apartment.

…

Jane woke up the next morning to the sun shining through thin curtains into her bedroom. Looking at the clock on the nightstand she realized it wasn't morning at all; it was noon. She yawned tiredly. She felt like she could sleep for years. For once the aching in her body matched the aching of her heart. She didn't think that was possible, but it was. It was very possible. Dislocated shoulders did not make fun experiences. It had happened to her only once before. A suspect of theirs thought he could toss her around and get away with it. He severely underestimated her tenacity. She ended up chasing him with a dislocated shoulder and tackling him to the ground. The anger and adrenaline had severely dampened the pain that time. But now she was just tired. She was older and sadder and she just didn't care. Jane was on medical leave for the next week. She could sleep for the rest of the day. Hell, she could sleep for the rest of the week. With a heart heavy sigh she drifted off to sleep again.

The detective woke up to complete and utter darkness hours later. She hadn't expected her body, or mind for that matter, to let her sleep that long. But it seemed like even an emotional crisis wasn't enough to ward off mandatory sleep for long. Her stomach growled loudly seemingly echoing through the small room. Grumbling, she sat up with her feet dangling off the edge of the bed and cradling her left arm. She flipped her bedside lamp on. Immediately she noticed something was different. The air smelled faintly like cologne and perfume. She narrowed her eyes. Someone had been here. The clothes on her floor were picked up and Jo Friday was nowhere to be seen or heard. Her sling, she noticed, was folded up neatly on her nightstand. That's when she noticed a bottle of water, a bottle of Advil and a note sitting beside her lamp. Slipping the sling over her shoulder she picked up the note. Her heart skipped a beat at the handwriting. It was Maura's.

_I hope you don't mind me having been here. Your mother dragged me to the guest house for dinner. We missed having you there. It was strangely quiet. Angela thought you might want some food and sent Frankie and I here. He's going to leave Jo with Tommy, so don't worry about her. Your food's in the oven. You really should eat Jane. _

The note wasn't signed, but it didn't have to be. _We missed having you there._ What did that mean? What did any of this mean? "I'm such a jerk." She told the empty house. The night before she said things she shouldn't have said. She made the whole situation about her, about her hurt and her pain. Maura had almost lost two parents and she had been the cause of one and in a roundabout way the other. She had made this about her. She was the one who should have been begging for forgiveness, not demanding it. But she had begged, hadn't she? Pleaded even. She shook her head. She was being selfish. She had no right to demand anything from Maura. Maura needed time to figure things out. She needed to run tests and experiments. Maura wasn't like normal people; Jane never wanted her to be. Except last night she demanded it. And now Maura was checking up on her. _I have got to fix this, _she thought walking to the kitchen. _But you tried. You tried and she wanted nothing to do with you._

After re-heating and eating the food she made her way back to her bedroom. She took some Advil, brushed her teeth, and then climbed back into bed. She would deal with everything later. Right now she was just too exhausted.

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**A/N:** I really think Lorraine Brocco is underused on this show. Angela could be used for far more than just comedic relief. Again, really sorry if I disappointed you. I wasn't going to put this up until Sunday just because I wanted to give myself a little wiggle room while writing chapter three. But I finished this and then at like seven this morning waiting for my history class to start inspiration struck and now I've got half of chapter three written out by long hand (It's a process!) and yeah. Expect it within the week. So like by next Tuesday night. (Assuming anyone is still reading by then.)


	3. The Job

**A/N: **Shortest chapter so far. Again, thanks for the reviews and alerts and stuff! Also there are a couple curse words so if that's not your thing sorry.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own these characters.

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Without Jo Friday to walk the next day Jane just lay in bed. Occasionally, as an experiment, she would lift up her left arm and turn it slowly. Her muscles pulled and ached at the move. She would go without the sling today just to see how it felt.

She needed to get back to real life, back to detective work, she needed to heal. She was so bored at home. Her mind would drift to different events in her life. Of all the stupid things she had done in the name of justice shooting Patrick Doyle was pretty high on the list. In the eyes of the law she did the right thing. But in her eyes, in Maura's eyes, in everyone's eyes, it was so, so wrong. A best friend isn't supposed to shoot their best friend's dad. That level of idiocy broke some kind of code. It broke more than a code it broke her friendship with Maura into uneven, jagged halves.

She had reacted on pure, unadulterated instincts in that warehouse. Shots were being fired. Her first thought was to eliminate the threat, eliminate the amount of guns at play, and most importantly get Maura to safety. Everything had happened so fast. She didn't have the liberty to think about her actions. Doyle put his gun on her and Frost. He changed the game. He made her choose. Suddenly it wasn't just her life at risk, it wasn't just Maura, it wasn't just that Dean had already been hit. Suddenly it was much, much more than that.

She didn't have time to connect the dots. She didn't have time to think that the person holding a gun to her was Doyle. She didn't have time to think that Doyle was Maura's dad and that she probably shouldn't shoot him. But she wasn't wearing a vest and neither was Frost. She didn't have a choice. Jane shook her head. No, that was wrong too. She had a choice and she chose wrong. She fired her weapon to preserve her own life. She fired her weapon to gain control of the situation. She acted like a cop. Never in her life had she felt more ashamed of the blue blood that ran through her veins. Never had she been so ashamed of her actions than she was when Maura yelled for her not to touch him.

She would always put her job ahead of everyone else. Maura was smart to get out while she could, relatively unscathed. Jane hated herself. She hated knowing that Maura was hurt. She hated knowing she caused that hurt, that she caused those tears, that she caused all of this. Maura deserved better. Maura deserved a friend that would understand about melon spoons and dinner party etiquette. She deserved someone who would understand her Google speak. Jane was unrefined, classless, and a jerk most of the time. She was Maura's opposite in every way. Maura deserved a better best friend. Maura deserved someone who would always put her first.

Jane was a lousy friend, a lousy sister, and worst of all a lousy daughter. The only thing she was good at was being a homicide detective and even then there were cases where the murderer got the better of her. There were cases where she wished Hoyt had killed her in that basement. Cases and crime scenes that were so grotesque they made even her veteran homicide stomach turn with the disgust that people actually did these things to each other. Her job was hard and long and difficult. It had shaped her into the cynical, crass, sarcastic person she was. It had shaped her into a person that shot her best friend's father. Maybe if she was lucky the Irish Mob would put a hit on her head and put her out of her misery. Before she could think any further there was a loud, forceful knock on her door shaking her from her thoughts. She rolled out of bed to answer it.

Special Agent Gabriel Dean stood on the other side of the door. He looked just as unkempt as the last time they had seen each other only this time he wasn't favoring his right shoulder. Staring into his smug, nonchalant face something ignited inside her bones and spread like a wildfire until it finally reached her heart.

She hated him. She absolutely _hated_ him. He was the epitome of everything she hated about herself. When Dean followed her team to the burnt out warehouse he put his career over their whatever-it-was-relationship. He got the big career advancement too. He got the rainbows and new office and got to be head of whatever department he wanted. He was a hero up in DC, even though Doyle had escaped custody on the way to federal prison.

Jane looked into Dean's cocky brown eyes and the smirk that settled across his unshaven face. She was so angry. He wasn't supposed to have been at the warehouse. He wasn't supposed be in Boston. He should have left well enough alone. He should have let her handle it. He _shouldn't_ have gone into the open room guns blazing with Maura – a civilian – just a sitting duck; he could have gotten her killed. He wouldn't have cared either. She knew it. He knew it. Everyone knew it. As long as he got Doyle he wouldn't have cared about a damn thing. He didn't care about the firefighter's death they were investigating. He didn't care about Maura's mother. All he ever cared about was himself. Jane moved behind the door and slammed it in his face.

Agent Dean knocked on her door again. Repeatedly. She could hear him laughing on the other side. She felt the anger surge to a new level. "Jane, I'm not going to leave until you open the door."

Letting out a small growl the detective reached for the doorknob and swung it open. "If you don't leave I'll have you arrested for harassing a police officer." She kept her voice low and even, daring him to contradict her. She was not in the mood.

Dean laughed again. "Jane, don't you think you're overreacting?" He reached out a hand tracing it down her right shoulder to her hand where it stayed.

Jane quirked her eyebrow, was he kidding himself? Really? _That's_ what he wanted to go with right now? "You don't let go on my arm in five seconds I will not hesitate to cuff you to the stairwell and watch as half of Boston's finest rain down on this place to haul your ass off to jail." He stepped closer. The smell of his cheap cologne was intoxicating in a very bad way, like I-drank-so-much-I-woke-up-with-my-face-in-a-dirty-toilet kind of way. Did he think he deserved some kind of victory fuck or something? Because really she made that mistake once, she would be dead before she tried _that_ again. "Five." She started counting down. "Four." Dean brought his eyes back level with hers. She felt violated. "Three." If he even gave her a chance to hit him, she would take it. "Two."

Finally he dropped her hand taking a step back. He looked hurt. "I thought we had a connection." Jane slammed the door in his face for the second time and locked it for good measure. At the rate she was going she would be lucky her neighbors didn't call the police on her for a noise violation. She rolled her eyes as she made her way to plop down on her couch.

She was just going to stop answering her door. Every time she did it was just bad news. She looked around her house. Her walls looked like murder boards from all the cases she had worked in the past four months. She saw the faces of Carl Hook and Samantha Bowden. They were a boyfriend/girlfriend duo that were breaking into people's houses and stealing things. It was a robbery case until seventy year old Anna Lewis had a heart attack during the break in. She was able to give the elderly woman's things back to her daughter, Jennifer. Then there was Jeff Johnson. He was the one who threw her down the stairs on Friday. He had been on a serial rampage raping and killing three women before they caught up to him. With each and every face she remembered. She really didn't need the mug shots. Each death, each victim, each sick and twisted plot was stained onto her eyelids, what each mug shot represented was etched onto her soul.

She had been thinking a lot about giving up her job. She knew she wasn't ready to retire, she was too young, and her retirement fund would be nothing. But she just felt so guilty. It was the only solution she saw out of a lose-lose situation that Doyle had set her up in. The pictures kept her going. The mean, cold stares kept her from prematurely turning in her shield. She was a good cop. She brought peace to the grieving families. The mug shots told her that there would always be bad people out there, there would always be people wanting to do harm to others. And it was her job to catch them when they did. She couldn't let them get away with it. Jane sighed.

With her week off she had planned to clean her house but Maura and Frankie had done a good job of that. There was nothing really left to do besides laundry. And she hated laundry. So instead Jane flicked on the TV to some half-rate sitcom. It was only Sunday. She couldn't go back to work until the next Monday. She could already tell it was going to be a long week.

…

Angela Rizzoli walked into her daughter's apartment bracing herself for what she was stepping into. She had expected beer bottles and clothing thrown over everything, regardless of Frankie's clean up job. Instead she saw her daughter crashed on the couch mouth slightly open, with the TV on and evidence of Jane's work everywhere. There was a time when Angela wouldn't even step foot inside her daughter's apartment because of the case files and horrifying pictures that were strewn about every square inch of her apartment. Jane moved to homicide after being in the Drug Control Unit for two years. She remembered when her daughter told her. Jane was so happy. _No more undercover prostitution stings!_ She remembered Jane's face cracking grin as she said those words. Homicide was supposed to be a new start for Jane. But then homicide took over her life in a way that DCU could never do. Jane was all about the victims, she wanted to give them peace and justice. She wanted to right all the wrongs that found themselves on her desk. The bodies weren't just bodies. They were people who had lived life with real dreams and real fears. They deserved her best. Then Hoyt came along.

Hoyt had changed her daughter in ways she didn't want to imagine. She still didn't know what exactly happened in the basement or why Jane had insisted going into it without backup. Part of her wanted to know but she knew how Jane was when the subject came up. Her eyes would get darker than she'd ever seen. Angela could physically feel the wall that Jane would immediately raise guarding herself. She had asked Sargent Korsak what happened but he had told her she didn't want to know. After that she stopped asking about, but sometimes she would catch a glimpse of her daughter staring at her hands or eyes staring off in a distance as she relived all the memories.

But then Hoyt had also made Jane realize that she couldn't live the way she was. That she couldn't let herself get sucked into the job and the shield as much as she did. He made her realize she had to stop punishing herself for what other people have done to each other, it wasn't healthy. After Hoyt's first attack Angela saw more of Jane. Jane started coming to family dinners again and would help her dad with plumbing jobs if she had the time. She was still just as focused, just as driven, but she allowed herself to live her life.

"Too many people have a key to my apartment." Jane grumbled picking her head up off the couch staring at her mother. "What are you doing here?"

Angela walked to the bar setting the two bags of groceries on the counter. "Frankie said all you had in your fridge was beer, ketchup, and cheese." Jane rolled her eyes. "Besides, someone's got to talk some sense into you."

"Oh this is gonna be great." Jane grumbled sarcastically. She moved from the couch to sit on a stool at her bar.

"I heard that missy!" Angela started putting groceries away. "Maura misses you."

"Oh, wow. Don't waste any time, just dive right in." Angela rolled her eyes. Jane put her forehead on the cool counter. "She shouldn't."

"Just apologize and move on Jane." Angela replied. "It's really simple."

"No, Ma." Jane said picking her head up to look at her mother. "It's not okay. It's not simple. It's complicated." She brought her hands up to her face. "She deserves better. Everyone deserves better." She said her voice dying at the end. She put her head back onto the counter. This was all just too much. She was so tired.

Angela's eyebrows furrowed. "What are you talking about, Janie?"

Jane sprung up from her chair. "I'm always working! I'm always picking my job over everything else. I'm a lousy friend. I'm always disappointing you! God, Frankie got shot because he wanted to be like me!" Hot tears sprung from her eyes. She swiped them away angrily, she was so sick of crying.

Angela looked at her daughter. She hated seeing her children cry. Even when they were younger and cried from a scraped knee or a broken arm she wanted nothing more than to take all their pain onto her. As they grew and the tears became less and less it always shocked her to her core when she found one of the three in tears. She remembered one time when Frankie called her choking on tears because one of his friends was killed in the line of duty. Tommy would cry when she visited him in jail, telling her about how sorry he was. But Jane, Jane was always different. "You've never disappointed me, Jane." She said looking into her daughter's deep brown eyes. "And Frankie is a grown man, he loves being a cop. It makes him happy, just like it makes you happy. I just don't like seeing my babies hurt." She reached out rubbing Jane's back. "You're not a lousy friend. You've helped Dr. Isles in so many ways. She needs you Jane. She may not know it, she may not know why but she needs you. And you need her."

Jane let the words sink in for a moment. "I know. Thanks Ma." She wrapped her arms around her mother. "I love you." She whispered in her ear.

Angela was a little shocked as she wrapped her arms around her daughter. "I love you too, sweetie. It'll all work out."

By the time Angela left Jane's apartment it was dark and the detective had a whole house full of clean clothes. Jane couldn't remember the last time she had so many clean clothes, even her sheets were clean. Once again in bed she made the decision that somehow, someway she would find her way back to Maura. She just had to get her shit together first.

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**A/N: **I know that is a weak conclusion to a motherly talk but it's the best I could do. Also I could totally see Jane as a workaholic. The resolution or whatever is coming, so just bear with me. I've got most of chapter four written and it's the weekend so It'll be up soon!


	4. Resolution

**A/N: **So I felt bad about chapter 3 but I needed to get into Jane's head further to progress the story a bit and that was the only way I knew how. I spent most of last night and this morning typing and polishing chapter 4 to (hopefully) make up for chapter 3. Here it is.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the characters.

* * *

After having spent all of Monday in bed Jane was wide awake at five am on Tuesday. She was itching to do something. Her arm was still a little sore but she felt good. She wasn't as tired, her head was clear. She didn't feel so overwhelmed, she wasn't drowning anymore. At five thirty her cell phone started ringing. The context of the ring tone took a minute to hit her ears, it was the funeral march. Her eyes snapped open. _Maura. _In her haste to get the phone off the nightstand she ended up knocking it off. She flung herself at the floor trying to pick up before it stopped ringing. "Maura." She said breathlessly into the speaker. She was half on the bed and half off using her right hand to hold her upper body and her left the phone.

"I'm so sorry, Jane. I – I shouldn't have called. We're not speaking. You – you said you need time. And I just…" Jane's brows furrowed. She could hear Maura crying on the other end. "They won't let me leave, Jane! They won't let me leave unless I have someone and I – I have no one. I have no one, Jane!"

Jane picked herself up off the floor and bed. She hated hearing Maura cry. "Where are you?" As a detective she learned you have to go with the big questions first, then the details.

"Boston Memorial."

Jane stopped her mad dash to find clothes. Her breath caught in her chest. "What?"

"The hospital, Jane." There was a pause. "Where everyone goes."

Jane took a deep breath steadying herself for the next question. "Do you need clothes?"

There was a beat before Maura answered. "Yes."

_Oh God, _Jane thought. "Okay." She pinched the bridge of her nose. "Okay. Don't go anywhere, Maura. I'm on my way. Stay. Put." She reiterated before hanging up the phone. Spinning around once quickly in her bedroom she remembered where they had put Maura's clothes. Maura had left some yoga pants and a sweater from the last time she had spent the night eons ago. Would she need underwear? Probably. Jane's stomach flopped to the ground at the thought. Once she had a small pile of clothes for Maura she started putting her own clothes on. She threw her baggy t-shirt off and replaced it with a sports bra and a white tank top then pulled on a pair of running shorts. Forgoing socks she slipped her running shoes on. Hastily she shoved her badge and gun into her purse grabbed her keys and ran out of the house. By the time she was seat belted in her car with Maura's clothes riding shotgun the time on the car read five thirty eight.

The whole ten minute drive to the hospital Jane's thoughts ran wild. Thoughts of crime scenes, home invasions, mob hits, and angry prisoners sprinted through her head. Maura had been crying and she needed new clothes. _God, what if… _She caught herself thinking _No. _She gripped the steering wheel as hard as she could. _Nope, you will not go down that road Jane. You will not. If it did happen you will cross that bridge when you come to it. _

Finally she pulled into the hospital parking lot. She jammed her car into park, grabbed the clothes and her purse and sprinted for the door. "Dr. Maura Isles, where?" Jane rushed coming to a skidding halt in front of the reception desk.

The woman barely looked up, knowing who Jane was instantly. "Down the hall second door on your right. Glad you used the front door this time, Detective." The nurse said. "You should really be wearing that sling!" She called Jane as a second thought as the detective ran down the hall.

Jane stopped in front of the closed door. She took a deep breath to brace herself. _Don't freak out. Whatever you do don't freak out. _She knocked on the door, and stepped in. Her eyes immediately landed on Maura. Looking at the doctor she felt her own eyes well up with tears. Maura looked so small lying in the white hospital bed. She was wearing a hospital gown. Jane wasn't used to seeing other people as hospital patients. Sure, she had friends who were injured on the job but they were stubborn like her. They'd tell the doctors to stitch it up or snap it back and be back in the box to drill their suspect. They only stayed if it was serious or if they didn't have a choice. That's when she would visit. She was more used to being the one in the hospital. Her eyes traveled to the brace on Maura's left wrist to the ace bandage wrapped around her ankle to the cut that was bleeding through the gauze on her eyebrow to the bruises and scrapes that lined Maura's knees and shins. "God, Maura what happened?"

"Jane," Maura said shocked. "You came."

"Of course I came." Jane said slightly offended. "You call in the middle of the night saying you're in the hospital of course I'm coming." She stepped further into the room. She put her purse and the clothes on one of the chairs. She stood next to the bed. Reaching out she put a stray hair behind Maura's ear. "Tell me what happened, please Maura."

Maura dropped Jane's gaze. "It's morning, Jane." The detective rolled her eyes. "I – I was out for my morning run. I had headphones in. I wasn't paying attention." Maura started tearing the tissue she was holding into tiny pieces. Jane smiled sadly taking the torn tissue away and replacing it with her hand. Maura squeezed. "I was looking at my watch and a cyclist ran into me."

Jane blinked twice. "Excuse me, what?" She took a step backwards to resurvey Maura but still held her hand. Suddenly her heart felt lighter. She wanted to laugh. "You got hit by a biker." Jane said trying to conceal her grin.

"This isn't funny." Maura said pouting her bottom lip out.

"I know it's not Maura." Jane sighed. "I was just thinking worse thoughts."

"Oh." Maura's replied. "I apologize if I gave off the wrong impression Jane. If that's the only reason you came…" Maura started pulling her hand away from Jane's.

"Don't be stupid." Jane held tighter. "I'm not going anywhere." She said looking into Maura's hazel green eyes. She could never decide what color they were. Maura's eyes were always changing colors it seemed from brown to gold to hazel to green. "So, what's the damage doc?"

Maura's eyes softened. She caught the detective's double meaning. She pointed to her eyebrow. "Four stitches. Two bruised ribs." Then she pointed to her left hand. "Moderate to severe wrist sprain." She looked down at her legs. "Several cuts and bruises and an ankle sprain."

"Wow." Jane grinned. "You must be feeling bad because I understood all of that."

"They gave me morphine and I thought the best approach would be straight forward." Maura looked up at Jane. "I can give you a full and complete rundown in my Google speak as you like to call it if you want." She said cracking a half grin.

Jane narrowed her eyes. "That won't be necessary. So all that from a bike, huh?" She asked raising an eyebrow at her friend.

"Well," Maura started. "A bike and an approximately one hundred sixty pound man."

Jane chuckled as the nurse walked in. "She can get discharged today right?"

The nurse looked up at her. "As long as she has someone to watch over her for the rest of the day, yes."

"Great!" Jane said. "I can do that. You have any papers for me to sign?" The nurse nodded her head and left the room to get the documents.

"Jane," Maura let go of her hand. "You don't have to do this. You're mad at me. You need time. We're not talking. And I –"

"Don't be stupid." Jane grabbed her hand again. "How about we put you some clothes on?" Maura nodded her head. The medical examiner, she found out, did not need new underwear and the only reason she needed new clothes was because hers had gotten ripped by the concrete, the bike and the medical staff.

Jane helped Maura stand as she pulled her pants on and helped her pull first Jane's tank top and then her sweater over her head. The hospital gown lay forgotten on the end of the bed. Jane kneeled to the floor before sitting down cross legged on the floor with Maura's running shoes in her lap. She put the hospital socks with the rubber bottoms on Maura's feet. "What not going to complain about the poly cotton blend or polyester or whatever these things are made out of?" Maura just shook her uninjured right foot at her, clearly not amused. "Tough crowd." Jane slipped the shoe over the sock and tied it. She stood dusting her legs off. "We're just going to have to carry this one." She tossed the shoe on near her purse. The nurse came back into the room knocking on the door.

She told Jane all the 'come back to the hospital if's' and when Maura could take some more pain pills. Jane nodded listening to the woman's every word before signing the papers. Jane looked at the medical examiner. "Time to go home, Evil Kenevil." Thirty minutes later Jane parked in the front of her apartment. Ten minutes after that they finally got inside Jane's apartment.

Maura took a shallow breath as they entered the apartment. It smelled like home. With Jane's help she sat down on the sofa. Jane pulled Maura's legs so that they rested on the couch on top of a pillow. Jane was pacing around the living room. Maura put a hand over her face. "Will you stop, you're making me dizzy."

"You're probably going to catch Pneumonia from being in the hospital. Are you hungry? You should probably eat. I think I have orange juice. That helps with immune system stuff right? Yeah, it does I remember you saying that to me last time I had a cold. I'm gonna make you some coco puffs and orange juice. Ma just brought me groceries on Sunday. You need to eat." The brunette's words all came out in a rush. Before Maura could respond the taller woman was already in the kitchen. Maura let out a sigh. This was going to be a long day. She picked up her phone and called in to work while Jane was gone. At least that was one thing she could do.

Jane opened her fridge letting the cold air wash over her. Why was she so nervous? Without thinking she grabbed the full gallon of milk from her the shelf with her left hand. Almost as soon as she grabbed it she knew it was a bad idea. The muscles in her shoulder screamed, her hand felt almost numb and the whole gallon of milk slipped from her hand from muscles she couldn't control. The thin plastic of the bottle exploded with a thud on the wood floor and milk flooded everywhere. "Holy mother of –" She trailed off biting down on her lip hard. She grabbed her left arm. _Right. Shoulder dislocation. _"Oh my God that hurts." She hissed through gritted teeth.

Maura slowly sat up at the sounds from the kitchen. She stood hobbling over to the space in question. She saw Jane holding her arm standing in a puddle of white liquid. Under different circumstances the situation would have been funny. "Jane you should be wearing your sling."

Jane looked up narrowing her eyes. "What are you doing up?" She shouted. "Go sit down. You're going to make it worse."

Maura rolled her eyes, like Jane had any room to talk. "I'll only sit if you put your sling on."

"I will. I'm about to. So go sit." Maura glared at Jane before retreating slowly back into the living room and the couch. It took Jane almost twenty minute but she cleaned the mess in the kitchen up and put her sling on. She sat at on one of her stools in the kitchen.

Maura sighed heavily. "Why are you all the way in there, Jane?"

Jane's leg stopped bouncing momentarily. "I don't have a thousand chairs in the living room, Maura."

Maura pinched the bridge of her nose. Out of all the sides of Jane she had seen during their friendship, Passive Aggressive Jane was her least favorite. She removed her feet from the couch and grabbed her phone.

"What are you doing?"

"Calling for a cab." She answered. "Clearly you don't want me here."

Jane growled. She strode across the room in four long strides. "Stop being stupid." She took the phone from Maura's hand.

"Stop insulting my intelligence, _Detective."_ Maura glared at Jane.

"Stop insulting our friendship,_ Doctor_." Jane glared back.

The honey-blond doctor broke eye contact first. Shaking her head she put her hand on her nose again. "God, I can't keep doing this." She took a moment to exhale heavily with her eyes closed. Then Maura stood from the couch in front of Jane. "I can't keep doing this, Jane. I just can't." She shrugged her shoulders at a loss. "I apologize for going to Africa and for shutting you out. I'm sorry I chose him. I'm sorry. I need you. I'm lost. So tell me what I need to do and I'll – I'll do it. Whatever it is, I'll do it." Unable to stand any longer Maura sat down on the couch with her head in her hands.

"You shouldn't be apologizing." Jane started pacing. "I shot Doyle."

"I know."

"No Maura." Jane said dropping her right hand down to her side. "Doyle is your dad! I shot your dad! You're my – my best friend. And I shot your dad."

"He pointed his gun at you." Maura sighed.

"Yeah, and I should've let him shoot me!"

"Jane!"

"I – I picked everything over you that day. I picked my job, my life, Frost, Dean, everything." Jane growled as she paced. "I know I did the sensible thing, okay. I know I was lawful but he's you're dad. And I… God!" She was crying _again. _"He didn't give me a choice and I hate him for it. I hate myself for it. I should have just taken the bullet." She dropped her chin to her chest.

Maura swallowed thickly. She stood grabbing Jane's hand guiding her to the couch. They both sat. "Doyle is my biological father. He didn't raise me. He didn't pick me. He held the identity of my birth mother over my head so that I would like him or accept him." Maura paused before continuing, this was so hard. "If he would have shot you, if you would have di…died I don't know what I would do with myself. If both of you shot at the same time and you got hit I – I would have gone to you." Maura swallowed her own tears dripping from her nose as images of the last time Jane was shot traveled through her head. She could go the rest of her life without seeing Jane bleed. Suddenly she hated Patrick Doyle. "I know you, Jane." Maura pulled the detective's chin towards her so she could look the taller woman in the eye. "You have got to stop blaming yourself for what happened. You have got to stop feeling guilty. It's – it's destroying you, Jane. It's destroying us." And it was. She didn't know if it was Catholic Guilt or Jane's need to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders but she hated it. Maura had never seen Jane's eyes look so sad. She had never seen Jane look so…so weak. The detective looked like she was done, defeated, and ready to throw in the white towel. This was not Jane Rizzoli.

She swallowed hard finally coming up with the right words to say. "Jane, neither of us has to apologize. We can just move on. The warehouse was an event that just happened. It was an unfortunate series of acts that many were involved in. Let's just move on. It happened. All it will be is a thing that happened that we moved on from. We can handle that."

Jane broke eye contact pulling away from Maura. "You deserve better."

Maura rolled her eyes. "Jane, look at me." Jane stared straight ahead. "Dammit Jane! Look at me!" Jane did as she was told. "In the letter you wrote you said I didn't know the impact I have on people. Well, you don't know the impact you have on people." The brunette was about to open her mouth to interject when Maura held up her hand. "If it weren't for you Tommy would be jail serving time for a murder he didn't commit. Frankie would be dead because I wouldn't have had the strength to help him. And me Jane, you've change me in more ways than I could ever even add up." Maura locked her eyes with the other woman's. "You stick up for me. You have since day one. No one has ever done that for me before. You – you brought me in on your club. You made me feel like I belonged somewhere for once in my life. You befriended a lonely, awkward woman and I can't thank you enough for that." She grabbed Jane's right hand. "So please hear me when I say that I don't deserve better because there is no one better. I love you, Jane. I forgive you. I need you in my life. I need you to forgive yourself. Can you do that?"

Jane sat in silence letting the words sink in. She was so tired of fighting so tired of taking on the world on her own. She had to stop punishing herself. "Yeah." The word was barely a whisper, barely a breath loud but Maura heard it loud and clear.

Relief washed over her. "Good, because I've missed my best friend." She reached out pulling the taller woman close in a hug.

Jane grinned through tears wrapping her good arm around Maura. "I've missed you too, Maura."

After a moment of sitting on the couch with their arms wrapped around each other Maura interrupted. "Jane I'm hungry." The her stomach growled.

Jane laughed. "Right." She stood up. "Well cereal is out of the question. I think there might be some eggs or something I could make."

Maura laughed. "Sounds lovely." She looked around at Jane's walls. "Jane, you really should take these mugshots down."

Jane paused her walk midway to the kitchen. She looked around her apartment. She couldn't keep living like this. "Yeah, I will."

* * *

**A/N: **There's actually dialog! That's how it usually works isn't it? You're not friends and then something happens. They call and you show up because you still care. If I totally overshot and moved to fast feel free to let me know (but there was only so much more I could write about both of them wallowing in pity.)

Question for you all: I was going to end it there. Like done forever. But then I was thinking I could move it along to eventual Rizzles type thing? It would probably take a while because I have to think it through. I mean I still have an idea on where to end it. But yeah. Tell me what you think I should do. I'm perfectly fine leaving it here or moving forward.


	5. Not Talking

**A/N: **I feel like it's been forever even though it's only been six days. Thanks for all the kind reviews and comments. I will be continuing this story. I don't know how many chapters it will be but it will continue. Thanks for stickin' with me!

**Disclaimer: **Don't own the characters, yo.

* * *

Jane and Maura sat across from each other at Jane's small kitchen table. Their silence was only interrupted by the sounds of forks against plates. Both were making a show of eating, taking slow deliberate bites. Their talk was good but it was only a step. There was so much more to say, so much more to think and rocks to overturn. A four month separation doesn't just evaporate over the course of a couple hours.

Jane ate half of her eggs before she started to get a cramp in her neck from tense muscles. Being a natural left hander was annoying sometimes. She could do things with her right hand but it was always a conscious effort that made her shoulders and neck tense at each task. Putting the fork down, she rolled her neck back and forth hearing a satisfying crack.

Maura stared at Jane from beneath heavy lashes. She wanted to say something but all the words in her extensive vocabulary didn't seem like they were enough to convey what she actually wanted to say. "How did you get injured?" She asked at Jane's movement.

The detective stopped immediately looking at the doctor. She cocked an eyebrow. "Frost didn't tell you? Or my mother?"

Maura squinted her eyes putting her own fork down. "He said it was not a 'biggie'. But your mother said you were reckless again." Her own body ached. "That's why I came over the other day." She wasn't going to tell Jane about how she had initially refused Angela's persisting. Not because she didn't care but because she was scared. She had seen Jane bleeding out on a sidewalk, seen her covered in mud, seen her bruised and shaky and she didn't like it. Ever. It made her feel like if the great Jane Rizzoli could be beaten down into submission then anyone could. The thought on its own unsettled her. She could go the rest of her life without seeing Jane bleed again.

Jane nodded her head. "Let's go sit." She helped Maura stand and together made their way to the couch. "You ever dream about it?" Jane was shocked by her own question. The question came completely out of left field, it was so off base and had nothing to do with anything. She wondered why she even asked, why it even mattered. But it did matter. Everything mattered. There were so many things they never talked about. They didn't talk about the siege on headquarters or when Doyle held Maura at gunpoint or Dean or Hoyt. Jane had killed her biggest nightmare, her personal boogieman, and ate cake afterward. The thought was laughable, it was a joke. Suddenly she needed to talk about it. She needed to talk about everything until the sun went down and came back up again. She needed to talk about the last four months and everything before and after Maura. She'd had this feeling deep inside her chest for months like she was drowning in her own personal sea of unsaid emotion from things that she shoved to the side. Jane didn't know if she could take the incident at the warehouse and just shove it under the rug like Maura had suggested. There was too much stuff there already.

Maura cocked her head to the side and stared at the other woman trying to read her. Jane was fidgeting with the scars on her hands. It was something she did a lot when she was thinking or nervous. She was confused. She didn't know if Jane was talking about Doyle or something much more sinister. The truth was she dreamed about many things, especially since the detective came into her life. She didn't know the exact type of dreams Jane was talking about and she most definitely did not know the 'it' either. She could guess but she never liked to guess. Guessing led to assumptions and assumptions often led to incorrectness. "You're going to have to be more specific."

Jane shook her head at herself. "You never wear headphones, Maura." Her voice came out flat and soft, she refused to meet the other woman's eyes.

Even without her vast knowledge of facial expressions and body language she would have been able to tell that Jane was nervous. She had never made Jane nervous before. They were always so comfortable with each other. It was a thing she prided their relationship on. But at the moment she didn't know where she stood in the other woman's life. On closer inspection she didn't know where Jane stood in hers either. "Jane, you're nervous. I'm making you nervous. I can leave if you would prefer."

Jane threw her head back onto the back of the couch. She was too tired for this. "Maura, if you want to leave then leave." She huffed. "If you don't want to then stop threatening it."

Maura glared at the brunette. "What do _you _want me to do, Jane?"

Jane rolled her eyes at the ceiling but answered nonetheless. "I want you to stay."

Silence fell over the two. It was strange. Silence between them had never been this loud before. It was the kind of silence that made a person deaf, the kind that demanded attention soon otherwise it was going to explode and they were both to close to the blast point for there to be any survivors. Maura was the first to break it. "I dream about a lot of things, so if you want the answer to your question you're going to have to be specific. I was wearing headphones because I wanted to be distracted from my thoughts." Maura paused. "Ian is not my boyfriend. As it stands, I am currently unattached."

Jane sat up quickly grunting at the move. "What?"

"The other day you said I was gallivanting around Africa with my boyfriend. I deducted based on known facts that you were talking about Ian. While I did see him in Africa and we did work together we mostly talked. We didn't have – "

"Okay!" Jane practically shouted. "That's enough Maura." Then there was the deafening silence again. Jane bit her lip resting her head back on the couch. There was so much she wanted to say, things that had been repressed for months, years even, but she couldn't put all the words together. It was like she was learning English for the first time. She sighed. "I'm sorry, Maura."

It was a loaded apology, Maura could tell that much. "Me too."

A minute later Maura tried to stand up but promptly sat back down. Jane's couch was much softer and more worn than her own. It made it difficult to stand up from on a normal day. No matter how hard she tried she just couldn't get up from the couch.

"What's wrong?" Worry was evident in Jane's voice.

"I need to use the restroom but my ankle…" She stopped talking when Jane stood from the couch and left the room. She didn't have to wait long. When Jane came back into the living room she was holding a long cylindrical black object. "Jane why do you have a cane?"

Jane looked at her like she had grown a tail in her absence. "For you." She said slowly.

Maura laughed slightly. "No. I mean why do you personally have a cane?"

"Oh." Jane said. "I was a patrol cop once upon a time. On a call as I was chasing someone I got hit by car. It wasn't hard, the guy was nice enough to slam on his brakes before he hit me. But it dislocated my hip and I had broken bones and stuff. So cane." Jane said with half a grin handing the object over to the doctor. "I know it's not crutches. If I had a rolly chair I'd push you around but canes best I got."

Maura nodded her head holding out her right hand for Jane to take. Jane put the cane in Maura's uninjured hand then grabbed her under the left arm to heave her up from the couch. Both women stood patiently as they each regained their bearings. "Blind leading the blind here." Jane commented with a small chuckle. Maura nodded her head in agreement before she hooked her left arm through Jane's right. It was a slow, delicate process but finally Maura got to the bathroom.

After five minutes of Maura alone in the bathroom Jane wasn't sure she should say something or not. Another minute passed. She didn't care if it was awkward she brought her right hand to the door about to knock when she heard Maura's voice. "Jane?" The sound was slightly muffled and tense. Jane opened the door quickly. Maura was bent in front of the sink with one wet hand while the other was pressed against her side. The cane lay on the ground forgotten. She was clearly in pain. Jane didn't like seeing Maura in pain. Ever. When Maura was in pain an animal in her chest seemed to become uncaged. She wanted to do everything in her power to make the hurt go away. "Maybe we should call your mother."

_Well, anything but that _Jane thought. "No." The word was a tug on reflexes. Jane Rizzoli didn't need anyone's help, especially not her mother's. They would figure this out. "Absolutely not." Jane took off her sling putting it on the counter. She moved in front of Maura and squatted to the ground. "Hop up."

"Excuse me?"

Jane turned on her head to look at the other woman. "Hop on."

"Hop on what, Jane?" Maura asked again just as incredulously as before.

"My back." Jane answered. "You act like I just told you to contaminate a DNA sample or to wear black and brown together or white after Labor Day."

"This is insane. I'm not doing it." Maura turned around gently sitting on the counter. She leaned back against the wall next to the mirror. "I'll stay here."

"Maura." Jane stood up. "You're not staying in my bathroom."

"Well, I'm not hopping on your back." Maura closed her eyes trying to bring her heart rate back down.

"Why not?" Jane asked as if it were the simplest solution to their problem.

Maura sat up staring wide eyed at the detective. "Why not, Jane? Are you serious right now?" Maura sighed at Jane's grin. "Jane dislocated shoulders cause muscle tears, tissue damage, joint strain. It makes the shoulder unstable. I don't know how you got injured in the first place because you won't talk about it. You might have other injuries that I could aggravate by sitting on you. Therefore I'm not –"

"I fell down a flight of stairs."

"Fell?" Maura asked disbelievingly.

"Fine!" Jane grumbled. "I was pushed. Got a couple bruises. I'm. Fine."

"Clearly." Maura replied dryly.

"Oh, is that sarcasm, Doctor?" Jane was in full 'detective' stance. Her shoulders were squared off with her right arm on her hip. The move, Maura knew, was to show a perp or person of interest that she meant business. In her suits the arm on her hip would make her blazer hang back showing off the shiny detective badge on her hip. It was an intimidation tactic that never worked on Maura. And it certainly wasn't going to work with Jane standing in her bathroom barefoot in a white tank and running shorts.

"I'm not going to get on your back, Jane." Maura narrowed her eyes at the taller woman.

"Why not?" Jane was getting fed up with this.

"Because it will hurt you." She glared.

"I can take it." The detective said decisively clenching her jaw.

Maura exhaled slowly. "You don't have to." She said just as fiercely.

"Fine." Jane raised her eyebrows taking a step forward. Maura wanted to do this the hard way, she could do it the hard way. Before Maura could react Jane grabbed her around the waist pulling her forward. With a grunt she put Maura's weight on her good shoulder wrapping her good arm around the back of the Medical Examiner's legs. Her body protested but she had learned long ago how to drown out the voices.

"Jane! What are you doing?" Maura squealed now upside down. Her head in a very peculiar spot near the detective's rear end. If the situation were any different she would have laughed. Maura felt every step Jane took until finally the steps stopped coming. Jane gently placed Maura on her bed and flopped down next to her. Jane's chest was heaving as she tried to catch her breath. Maura stared at her friend with narrowed eyes as she adjusted herself on the bed. Jane was only half on the mattress. Maura could see the muscles in Jane's legs contract as they held most of the taller woman's weight. As her eyes made their way up to the detective's face she could clearly make out a grimace and a clenched jaw. She had worked out with Jane numerous times, enough to know she was in much better shape than to be breathing heavy from a small load and few steps. There was clearly more to Jane's injuries than a dislocated shoulder and she was determined to find out what. "Why do you insist on doing things that are going to hurt you?"

Jane shrugged her right shoulder. "Masochist. Martyr. Protective. You pick."

"Do you enjoy pain? Do you get sexual gratific –"

"Maura!" Jane snapped.

"It's an honest question Jane." Maura moved so she was leaning against Jane's headboard. She took a look around while Jane was still trying to get her bearings straight. The room was very dark to be only close to seven in the morning. The dark curtains Jane normally left open were decisively shut blocking out almost all of the sun. "Do you?"

"Can we _not_ talk about this?" Jane said standing from the bed. She moved so she was lying right next to Maura with her head resting on her pillow.

"Are you going to tell me how you got hurt?" Maura asked looking at Jane.

"Told you," Jane started fidgeting with the pillow under her head. "Got shoved down the stairs by a perp trying to get away from us."

"What else did you hurt?" Maura pressed.

"Nothing." Maura looked at Jane with an eye brow raised. "Couple of bruises, Maura. I'll be good as gold in a few days. It's nothing."

"Let me see."

"Will you drop this conversation?" At Maura's nod Jane stood from the bed again. She flipped the bedside lamp on with a flick. She raised the top of her tank top a couple inches and lowered her shorts the same length. Underneath the top of Jane's boy shorts Maura could see a deep purple-blue bruise on her pelvic bone. Jane put her shorts back but pulled her tank up more to reveal another bruise. This one was lighter but didn't look any less painful. It covered a small area on her defined abdominal muscles. Jane pulled her shirt back down. "I was at the top of the stairs and he came barreling out of nowhere. I tried to catch myself but that didn't really work out." Jane continued at Maura's horrified stare. "I'm tall and lanky. Long limbs don't make graceful falls down stairs." She lay back down on the bed turning off the lamp. Maura didn't say anything for a while. "Did I blind you with my abs of steel?"

Maura grinned. "While I'm sure parts of you are held together with steel plates and screws I'm sure you were talking about the more colloquial use of the term meaning that you have very well developed musculature in your abdomen. But no, I was not blinded, although, you do have impressive oblique's. I was simply thinking of something to say."

Jane's eyebrows shot up. "You think I have impressive abs?" She asked laughing.

"Yes." Maura answered simply.

"Good to know." Jane nodded her head.

There was a slight pause before Maura spoke. "When you asked if I dreamt about it earlier to what were you referring?"

Jane sighed heavily. "I don't know where that came from. It doesn't even matter."

"Yes, it does Jane. It matters to you. I can hear it in the inflection of your voice. It matters to you, it matters to me. That's how friendship works if I'm not mistaken." Jane didn't say anything so she kept going. "Do you mean Hoyt?" She felt Jane stiffen beside her. "Are you having nightmares?"

"Maura," Jane sounded tired. It wasn't just tired it was that exhaustion that seeped into bones when no one was looking zapping all the energy from the body all at once. She was exhausted. She closed her eyes exhaling loudly. "We don't talk about this stuff."

"We don't talk about a lot of stuff we should talk about." Maura's voice was equally as soft and low as Jane's.

"I don't know. I just…" Jane started. She pinched the bridge of her nose. "I want to acknowledge the fact that things happened. I want to say that these things happened out loud." She groaned dropping her hand to her side. "Like I shot myself and you were held at gunpoint and we almost died together." She sighed again. "Sometimes I think about my birthday. How it was a normal day and then suddenly it wasn't. I killed a man and then ate cake afterwards. Who does that?" Her voice rose to a higher lever at the question and her body tensed. "I'm cracked in the head." She plopped her right arm over her head covering her eyes.

"Those things did happen." Maura contemplated Jane's words. "I dream about it sometimes." She admitted. "You may have taken a few too many knocks to the head, but you're not mentally ill. Taking someone else's life is a traumatic experience. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I'm sorry you had to go through it."

Jane didn't want to talk about this anymore. All the bravado she felt earlier evaporated the second Maura opened her mouth. Having someone reaffirm her thoughts was surreal. She wasn't a talker. She talked to the department shrink out of necessity but she never talked about anything. She could handle it though. She could always handle it. It was just the type of person she was. She was damaged goods, a good cop who had taken one too many in the chest. She needed to get her head screwed back on straight before going back into the heat. She needed to sleep and eat and stop thinking. Bringing up scarred up old wounds wasn't going to help her. "How have you been?" She asked changing the topic. The fact of the matter was that Maura was sitting in her bed talking to her for the first time in four months and she genuinely wanted to catch up.

Maura looked at Jane slightly shell-shocked. The detective practically insisted on talking about things and then dropped the subject like it was on fire. She rubbed her forehead with her hand. Jane was a deceptively complex human being. She doubted she would ever understand her best friend. She started talking about her mother's recovery, her trip to her parent's house, and her trip to Africa. At some point or other they had both fallen asleep on top of the blanket.

* * *

**A/N:** So now I'm stuck. ha. It's actually kind of infuriating because I know how I want the story to end, I know the big plot point and I know how I want to write it. But the segue_ into _this has me stuck. I'll figure it out. It's finals week in two weeks so it'll probably be at least that long before I write chapter 6. I know sorry but I've got like 6 tests and a paper due between now and then. But hopefully it'll give me time to figure it all out.

Thanks again for reading! If you have any suggestions or whathaveyou feel free to leave them!


	6. Family

**A/N: **I don't even want to talk about this chapter.

**Disclaimer: **Don't own the characters.

* * *

After their nap Maura spent the rest of the day with Jane just watching television and eating snacks. Wednesday morning Maura woke up feeling very sore. The aching in her body seemed to amplify with every move. She groaned into the pillow. Jane's head popped up from under the comforter with a yawn. "You okay?"

Maura shot the detective a withering look. "I'm sore."

Jane grinned knowingly. "Hot shower." She said sleepily.

Maura rolled her eyes. "More like a hot bath."

Jane sat up stretching for a moment before turning back to her friend. "Well, you're going to have to go home for that." She said with a chuckle. "I can drive you." She looked around the room. "We could eat breakfast here or just let Ma' make it. Actually," she said as an afterthought. "We can just let her make us both breakfast."

Maura laughed slightly slowly sitting up in the bed. "That sounds nice actually." Jane was holding her left arm close to her body; her left hand was holding the strap of her tank top on her right side. Maura let Jane do her bathroom business. When she came out she was wearing a fresh pair of clothes consisting of worn in jeans and a Boston Bruins t-shirt. Her arm was still close to her body.

"Do you want to put on some of my fresh clothes or do you want to wait until you get home?"

Maura thought about it. "I think I'll wait since I'll be bathing anyways. I'd hate to dirty a pair of your clean clothes since you do seem to hate doing laundry." She shot Jane a cheeky grin.

Jane stuck her tongue out at Maura. "I'll go get your shoe."

…

Fifteen minutes later Jane was parking her car in Maura's drive way. It was a hell of a time getting the injured woman down two flights of stairs out of Jane's apartment. Jane's shoulder was aching. But regardless she was going to get them inside. Jane stood impatiently at the passenger side door. Maura held the black sling out to the detective. "You promised."

Jane rolled her eyes but nonetheless slipped the thin fabric around her shoulder. "Ready now?"

Maura rolled her eyes this time. She got up from the car using the handle on the roof to pull herself up. Her ankle felt much better than it did yesterday but it was still sore and swollen. She could put more weight on it but not her whole weight. She felt Jane place her hand on her lower back giving her some stability as she hopped awkwardly out of the car. She stood for a moment. She was going to lean into Jane, wrap her arm around the other woman's waist but images of the dark bruises she saw the day before caused her to hesitate.

Fortunately for her – unfortunately for Jane – quick footsteps made their way to them. "Oh!" Angela Rizzoli shouted.

"And this is why my mother living in your guest house was a bad idea." Jane mumbled under her breath to Maura.

"What happened?" Angela asked. She looked Maura up and down reaching out to grab the medical examiner's arms.

"She got trampled by a bike, Ma'." Jane said exasperatedly.

"I was out for my morning jog and a cyclist ran into me." Maura better explained. "I'm fine really. Just bruises and scrapes."

Angela raised an eyebrow. She'd heard Jane's 'I'm fine' stories enough to be able to read when someone wasn't actually fine. And the young doctor standing in front of her was definitely not fine. "Yeah, uh-huh." She replied wrapping her arm around the doctor. "Let's get you inside, sweetie." Whatever resistance Maura was planning to put up fell flat when Angela wrapped her arm around her. She sunk into the older woman's side feeling the comfort of a mother. It was much easier navigating and leaning into Angela than it had been with Jane. Maura could put her weight into Angela without being worried about hitting a bruise or irritating her shoulder. Jane followed them into the house.

Maura sat at the bar while Angela puttered around at the kitchen. Jane sat next to her. She lifted the ME's leg into her lap. Holding Maura's foot between her knees she maneuvered the ace bandage from around Maura's ankle. "Run to the bathroom before my mother follows you." Jane whispered into her ear half seriously.

Maura chuckled. "Or you could just help me?" She whispered back.

A few minutes later Jane was knocking on the door to Maura's master bathroom. "You okay in there, sport?" She was trying too hard at this. It was obvious to her, probably obvious to Maura, but she couldn't help it. Jane had this fear boiling in her stomach that all of this was a joke, that it all was just temporary until she screwed up again. Because she would she knew she would, she always screwed up. Maura would leave her again and she'd be left with nothing. She shook her head at herself.

Maura sat on her toilet on the other side of the door in a fluffy white bathrobe. It felt good to be clean. She was inspecting her injuries. Her wrist and ankle felt much better but were still sore. The hot water of her tub definitely eased some of the tension in her back and shoulders. Maura looked at door at disgust at Jane's chosen term of endearment. She opened the door softly. "Please refrain from calling me sport forever."

Jane laughed. "What's wrong with sport, Sport?"

Maura rolled her eyes easing passed Jane and onto the bed. "I am not a male colleague, and we don't play sports together."

"That's not true. We play softball together sometimes." Jane bounced on her toes trying to ignore the fact that Maura was only in a bathrobe. "Looks like you're feeling better though. You can kind of walk now."

"Could you pick me out some clothes from the closet?" Maura said gingerly walking to her chest of drawers.

Jane smirked. "Aren't you afraid I'll pull something with the wrong color scheme or with different fabrics?"

"Looks like _you're _feeling better." Maura pulled out a pair of her underthings from the drawer.

Jane rolled her eyes finding herself once again trying not to look at Maura. She turned with a huff opening the double doors to Maura's closet. She swallowed hard at the sight before her. "Holy Hannah Montana." Jane mumbled under her breath. Maura's closet was not only gigantic but she appeared to have some crazy intricate organization system that Jane couldn't even begin to understand. She needed a diagram or a map or something. Half of her wanted to introduce chaos into the order but she knew that Maura wouldn't find that funny at all. After standing dumbfounded for a few minutes she finally got an idea of how the closet was set up. At least that's what she told herself when she pulled some black pants she heard Maura call "lounge wear" once, even though to her they were just fancy sweatpants, and a dark grey Henley.

"You get lost in there?" Maura asked when Jane finally emerged.

Jane turned around looking at the double doors. "In the closet? No." She placed the clothes on the bed. "You've got an elaborate system going on. Took me a minute to figure it out." Maura laughed. "I'll let you dress."

Jane sat at the bar in Maura's kitchen while her mother was flipping things on the stove. The smell of the food wafted through the whole house. Jane took a deep breath. Her stomach growled again for what seemed like the hundredth time that morning. _I really need to eat more, _she thought drumming her hands on the bar. Maura came limping into the room fully dressed and styled for the day even though Jane knew she probably wasn't going to go anywhere. Maura had decided to not where the ace bandage knowing from years of ballet that they didn't really help anything.

Maura sat next to Jane just as Angela put two plates full of breakfast in front of them. While they ate Angela spoke continually about work at the café and how she found a recipe she wanted to try for family dinner on Sunday. It was then Maura volunteered her home to house family dinner. "Now who's the masochist in this relationship, Dr. Isles?" Jane said quietly hiding her face with her coffee cup.

Maura laughed shaking her head. "I like your mother." She said just as quietly.

…

Sunday evening Jane found herself ringing the doorbell to Maura's house. She knew both of her brothers were already there because of the cars out front. Tommy answered the door with his eyebrows raised. Jane let go of the leash she was holding allowing Jo Friday to run into the house tail wagging. "Maura wants to know why you're ringing the doorbell."

"I did not ask that." Jane heard Maura say from inside.

"You didn't have to." Tommy replied keeping his eyes on his sister's and blocking the way.

"It's called manners. You should try it sometime." Jane said sidestepping him. She paused while he closed the door. "Is that a new shirt?" Tommy looked down. Jane licked her index finger and quickly stuck it in his ear.

He pushed her away. "Why you always gotta do that?" Tommy griped rubbing his ear. Frankie was laughing in the background.

"You are just too easy, little brother." Jane smiled sweetly.

"That is really unsanitary, Jane." Jane's eyes shot to Maura. The other woman was standing with a grin on her face in the entryway. She was holding Jo Friday's leash in one hand the other resting on her hip. That's when Jane actually got a full view of the house. Jane saw her dog playing with bass. Frankie was watching the game and her mother was in the kitchen. They made a very strange family. She caught Maura's eyes smiling kindly at her. Jane finally felt at home. This was what Sunday Dinner was all about.

"I'm washing my hands now." Jane said sarcastically holding up her hands as she walked to the hall bathroom. In the middle of scrubbing her hands Jane noticed someone stand in the doorway. "What is it, Maura?"

"Why _did _you ring the doorbell?" Maura asked quietly avoiding Jane's eyes.

Jane sighed continuing the scrubbing. She knew that voice. It was Maura's 'I'm sad because I don't know how to say what I really mean' voice. She heard cheering in the other room. Someone must have scored a touchdown. "I didn't want to be rude." She turned the water off, shaking her hands in the basin of the sink before grabbing a towel. "I didn't want to barge in like…" _Nothing's changed. _She might as well have said the words out loud. They both could feel the tension of her sentence. Maura still had an anxious, hurt look on her face so Jane continued. "The point is that I'm here and you're here. We're okay, Maura."

"It doesn't feel like it." Maura held her arms tighter to her chest.

"We'll get there." Jane reassured reaching a hand to untangle Maura's arms. She held both the other woman's hands in her own. "I promise." Finally Maura cracked a smile. "Oh, look! There's that gorgeous smile I love to see." Jane said with a laugh. "Let's go eat dinner. I'm starving and it smells delicious." She wrapped her arm around Maura's shoulders.

Angela sat at the head of the table taking a look around at her family. The food was prepared with plenty of extras for all of the kids to take left overs home. The game was on in the background, the animals were fed. But most importantly there were no empty chairs. All of her babies were safe tonight. She folded a napkin in her lap. "Frankie why don't you say grace?" Her middle son grumbled but bowed his head and did it anyways.

"So does this mean you two are friends again?" Frankie asked as he piled food onto his plate. "And I don't have to do all those morgue runs for you anymore?"

Jane felt Maura stiffen at her right. She hurried to finish chewing the pasta in her mouth swallowing almost painfully hard. "Yes." She coughed reaching for her glass of water. At the word Maura immediately relaxed. For Jane it was worth almost choking for that simple act. Maura was just as unsure as she was.

"You know I never knew how much you guys actually talk about the case down there."

"What did you think we talked about?" Maura asked.

Frankie shrugged. "I don't know, boys or something."

This caused Jane to go into a coughing fit. "Sometimes it is boys." Maura replied patting Jane on the back. "But mostly it's the case."

"Tommy, pass the rolls." Jane said finally getting her breath back. Tommy threw a piece of bread at her which she caught in her left hand. She waggled a finger at him. "Nice try."

"No throwing food at the table!" Angela chastised her children. The table was much livelier than it had been in a long time. Angela let out a sigh. This was how family dinners were supposed to be.

* * *

**A/N: **I'm just going to stop telling y'all when I'm going to update because I always do it faster than I say. This is the product of forced writing and procrastinating study times. Also this is my first hand at humor (if you caught it.) Thanks for the reviews and alerts!

As always thanks for reading! (Reviews are greatly appreciated!)


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: **So there's a spoiler for Shrek (the first movie.) I think that's worth mentioning.

**Disclaimer: **Don't own the characters.

* * *

Monday morning Jane found herself at work early for once. In fact she was the only one in the office. The phones weren't ringing, there was no hustle and bustle to a crime scene, it was just quiet. She propped up her feet on her desk as she sipped her coffee. The coffee was fantastic. She had time to go to her favorite café that morning courtesy of Jo Friday who had to use the potty before her normal time. Jane leaned back in her chair taking slow bites of her apple fritter and nursing the coffee. Her mother wasn't badgering her about missing family dinner because she actually went. Her shoulder hardly bothered her at all; there was no pain at least. Her arm just felt kind of weak. Best of all, she was on speaking terms with Maura. Overall it was a pretty perfect morning.

Maura stood in the doorway of the homicide bullpen. She wasn't expecting Jane to be there so early, she was just going to leave a note on the detective's desk but Jane was there, in the flesh. She watched Jane take delicate sips of her coffee and take bites out of the pastry in her hand. Under any normal circumstances she would have walked into the open room and they would have talked about anything, everything, nothing. But they hadn't been on 'normal' for months.

It was kind of silly, Maura knew, but she couldn't help but feel insecure about the place she held in the detective's life. The night before, at dinner, Jane said they were friends. She had told Frankie with a no nonsense definitive yes. But then Jane had been the first to leave her home claiming she needed to walk Jo. Through all the reassurances Jane had given her the night before, Maura couldn't help but catch the light pause between words, the tense movements, the constant fidgeting of Jane's hands, and the over-the-top smiles. The most telling, the one thing that hit Maura hardest was the lack of eye contact.

Eye contact was everything with Jane. Jane's dark eyes often told stories her mouth refused to tell. Maura could tell if Jane was being sarcastic or hurt or funny most of the time just by her eyes. It was why Jane was so easy to read. Maura knew even if she was capable of lying if Jane looked at her with that deep, penetrating stare only the truth and nothing but the truth would spill from her mouth. But the night before at dinner, it was like Jane had flipped a switch from Normal Jane to Everything Is Fine Jane, which in most cases meant things were far from fine. She had gotten used to thinking of Jane in these layers after watching Shrek together.

It was only a few weeks into their friendship when Jane had insisted she follow her to her apartment so they could watch a movie together. It was a Friday night. Jane said she had been dying to watch this movie, that they could have a girl's night. Maura could remember laughing at the detective's word choice. Even in her short time knowing the woman she knew Jane wasn't the type to have 'girl's nights,' she was more likely to have drinks at the bar with the guys instead.

Jane had intrigued her. She kind of wanted to be like the raven haired woman. She envied the way Jane could command a room or more specifically a crime scene and the way she demanded respect, not only for herself but for others as well. Others like her. Jane had stood up for her. Jane was the reason people stopped calling her Queen of the Dead.

Jane was an unstoppable person. She had once heard Korsak relate her to a bulldog with the way she sinks her teeth into whatever she wanted and didn't let go. She was stubborn and she did not heed Maura's need for boundaries. Jane always made sure to ask Maura out for drinks when the detectives went out together. Maura had always denied her politely every time. But the offer of the movie with just her and Jane was too good of an opportunity to pass up. Maura had agreed.

At first Maura was sitting on Jane's couch with her blazer and heels on with perfect poise and grace. She was cutting her slice of pizza with a knife and fork drinking a glass of water. Jane popped the movie into the DVD player not commenting on Maura's choice of eating pizza. She knew the doctor enough to know she was a little strange but that was okay. Jane pressed play.

As the movie wore on Maura found herself getting more and more comfortable on Jane's couch. She shed her heels and blazer bringing her legs underneath her. When the movie got to the onion monologue Maura couldn't help but look at Jane, _really _look at her. She was wearing sweats and a baggy t-shirt with her hair tossed up into a messy ponytail. On anyone else Maura would've thought the look was almost sloppy but on Jane it was different. A lot of things were different when they concerned Jane. Jane had looked more carefree that night than she'd ever seen her. It was the first time Maura heard Jane laugh. In fact, the detective's laughter was infectious and she caught herself on more than one occasion laughing along with her. It was nice seeing this human side of the other woman. This was Jane's way of offering herself up to the doctor. Watching an animated movie was her way of developing their friendship, her way of telling Maura she wasn't just big bad Detective Jane Rizzoli.

By the end of the night Jane had corrupted her. Not so much that she was drinking beer, she did have to drive home after all, but she was eating pizza with her hands and slouching into the back of the couch. Jane had blown into her life like a hurricane but instead of death and destruction in her wake there was a chance at a whole new life with love and friendship and family. From that night on Jane wasn't just a colleague with whom she occasionally ate lunch with. She was a friend whom Maura could rely on.

As the lunches became more frequent and the months passed Maura decided to ask Jane why she tried so hard to befriend her. Even to the day, years later, Maura remembered Jane's exact response. _You were lonely. _Those were Jane's exact words. Not you looked lonely or you could use a friend or any variation thereof. She had said it with such nonchalance before digging back into her Chinese food.

Maura didn't know why the statement hit her so deep that actual tears welled in her eyes but it did. She had been lonely throughout her whole life. Sure, she had friends and there were boyfriends but she was always on the outside, just a little too odd to really fit in anywhere. No one had taken her by the hand or taken the time to fully include her into their inner circle. No one had ever done anything about her loneliness. No one, but Jane. With those words and a soft, knowing smile Maura was introduced with another layer to the canyon that was Jane's personality, because while an onion may be thick enough for Shrek the Ogre it definitely wasn't thick enough for Jane the Detective.

Maura came out of her reverie looking at Jane again. Jane's shoulders were still tense. She kept tilting her head back and sighing. _She didn't think you'd come back. _Angela's words once again filtered through her mind. Then a realization hit her like an anvil. Jane had given up on her. Jane, who had the stubbornness of a mule and the heart of a lion had given up on her. Jane, who had never given up on _anything _in Maura's memory before gave up on her. Jane, her stubborn, hard-headed, tenacious friend had given up on her. Jane gave up on her because she wasn't worth fighting for. It was why Jane had yelled at her a week ago. It was why Jane had been calling her Dr. Isles. It was why they only ever talked about the cases they were working on. It all made such sudden and clear sense. Tears welled up in her eyes. She turned on her heel walking as quickly as her still slightly swollen ankle allowed. She shoved past Korsak getting into the elevator he just vacated.

Korsak looked at the closing elevator doors dumbfounded. "What in the hell?" Things had been crazy around the office for the past four months. He shook his head. This was going to end today, he didn't care if he had to shove the two into a closet and only let them out when they made up, he would. He adjusted his belt before striding with purpose into the bullpen. "Jane!" He barked.

Jane jumped in her seat spilling the coffee in her hands all over her white button up. She was dozing in her chair, almost asleep when he yelled. "What the hell, Korsak?" She stood quickly from her chair as the lukewarm liquid hit her skin.

"What the hell did you do this time?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" She started grabbing tissues from her desk to dab at her shirt.

"I just saw Dr. Isles running to the elevator in tears!" He shouted.

"Oh and you think that's my fault?" Her temper flared.

"Yeah, I do." He said challenging her.

"Well, you'd be wrong because I don't know what the hell her problem is."

"You shot her father, Jane." His voice was softer. It agitated her. It was his kiddie gloves, wounded animals voice. She didn't deserve this.

"I am sick and tired of having to defend my actions that day." She threw her blazer onto her desk letting it land in a crumpled heap on her keyboard. Her words were pointed. "It was a no-win situation. Did it ever occur to you that I am a human being too? That I was hurt by the situation too?" She shook her head at her old partner. "And news flash, Vince! Maura and I made up. So I have no freaking idea why she was crying!" Jane growled stomping past a shocked looking Frost. She didn't bother with the elevator instead going straight for the stairs.

Her blood was boiling. She wanted to hit something. Repeatedly. So hard something broke, be it her hand or whatever she was hitting. Maybe she would take a personal day to kill herself on that stupid hilly trail Maura liked to run. Jane clenched her jaw so hard her teeth hurt. Maura was always in her head. It was something she noticed during the doctor's absence. She was everywhere, influencing all of her decisions even when she wasn't there. It was annoying. She would go to order a burger and then Maura's stupid voice would pop into her head about how she should 'limit her red meat consumption.' She grumbled shoving the door to the ladies' room open.

She had no idea what happened with that woman, anyways. How dare Korsak accuse her of something she didn't even know about? She was just minding her business drinking her coffee and dozing off when he came barging into the room. Why was everything always her fault anyways? Just because lately she had caused the majority Maura's tears, she inwardly cringed at the thought, didn't mean it was always her fault. Besides, Maura doesn't cry at work because crying at work was unprofessional. And there was Maura's voice again.

With a growl Jane kicked the wall of the bathroom but all it did was make her foot hurt. "God dammit!" She slowly exhaled while unbuttoning her shirt. She flipped the faucet on and shoved the garment under the water. The shirt, she knew, was done for. Her little screaming match with Korsak had let the coffee dry. But it was the only shirt she had at work so she had to try something. She was oblivious to the sound of a toilet flushing and the opening of a stall door.

Maura was sitting in the stall when she heard loud stomping enter the bathroom. She immediately knew it was Jane; her thoughts were confirmed at the curse. She walked out of the stall stopping in her tracks at seeing Jane in just her form-fitting undershirt. She could see the other woman's biceps working as her hands fiddled with whatever was in the sink. Jane caught her eye in the mirror. "What happened to your shirt?"

"Why were you crying?" They both spoke at the same time. Maura opened her mouth but was silenced by Jane's scowl. "You're going to answer me first because I'm a detective and if I'm going to get blamed for shit I at least want to know what the hell I did." She turned the sink of and leaned against the porcelain facing Maura. "Lay it on me." She crossed her arms over her chest.

"I was thinking about things and I got a bit emotional."

Jane rolled her eyes. "Way to be vague. You want a merit badge for that?"

"Fine, if you insist on being childish." Maura grumbled narrowing her own eyes. "I was thinking about how you gave up on me."

"What?" The shock was evident in her voice. "Please enlighten me Dr. Isles how was _I _the one that gave up on _you?"_

"When I came back from my leave you stopped calling, you stopped coming over, you –"

"There's only so long I can talk to a brick wall! There's only so long I can knock on a door that's never going to open!" Jane was shouting now. She took steps closer to Maura effectively pinning her against the wall with barely a foot of space between them. "I wasn't the one who quit, Maura. You're the one that left. I stayed and dealt with the shit-storm I caused like an adult. You were gone for two months and if I'm not mistaken friendship is a two way street. You could've talked to me, you could've taken that step. So don't even say I gave up on you, because I don't give on people unlike some people I know." Maura flinched at her words. "Besides," Jane took a step back. "We made up. You're the one that said you wanted to put the situation to the side. We're friends again. Why the hell does it matter who gave up on whom?" Jane paused to let Maura answer or insert some form of thought. No answer came. Jane shook her head in defeat. "What do you want from me, Maura? You want me to apologize? Get on my knees and beg? Because I will. Just tell me what you want, and I'll do it."

That was it wasn't it? The big question. There wasn't a doubt in her mind that Jane would do whatever she asked. She knew what she wanted. She wanted Jane. She wanted movie nights and dinner and Jo Friday to sleep in the bed she had at her house and family dinners and lunch together. She wanted things to stop being so awkward. She wanted to hear Jane laugh because she hadn't heard that delightful sound for four months. She wanted her best friend back. But how was she supposed to say that out loud? _Whatever you want, I can get it. _The words held the same promise as they did that day, but not the same hope. Desperation lay in its place. "I want…" Maura's heart was pounding in her chest, her palms were getting sweaty. She was bad at asking for what she wanted. Why didn't Jane understand? Plus she already told Jane she needed her in her life, why wasn't that good enough? "I want…" She repeated.

Both of their phones started ringing before she could find the courage to continue. Jane gave her a second to finish before sliding her phone from the holder on her belt. "Rizzoli." She said into the speaker still locking eyes with Maura.

"Isles" Maura said answering her own.

…

Twenty minutes later Jane was standing over a dead body while Maura looked at the victim. The drive with Frost had significantly cooled her temper but she was still not on speaking terms with Korsak. The teddy bear of a man needed to know that he couldn't just blame her for things that were out of her control. She was also pissed at him because he made her ruin a perfectly good shirt and waste a perfectly good cup of coffee.

In the end, Maura ended up stealing her drenched shirt and her tank top because no matter the situation they found themselves in Maura had a perpetual need to save a fabric in distress and Jane had been forced into wearing one of Frankie's extra BPD t-shirts that was way too big for her wiry frame. With her blazer over the t-shirt she looked like a teenage boy trying to look impressive in high school. She scowled at Korsak once again.

She knelt down next to Maura after shooting Korsak a dirty look. "What do we got, Maura?" She could feel the other detectives and crime scene techs stop what they were doing to stare at her. She couldn't really blame them. It was the first "civil" crime scene they'd been on together in months.

"It appears to be a Caucasian woman in her mid-twenties to early forties. There appears to be massive head trauma along with lacerations to her face."

"Is that the cause of death?"

"You know I don't like to say the cause of death before the autopsy, Detective." Maura said with a slight grin. It was almost normal. Almost easy.

Jane caught herself smiling too. "Thought as much." Maura started directing her team around and Jane stood from her crouch. Once her team was finished collecting statements she and Frost headed back to the precinct.

She was sitting at her desk typing up her initial report when she felt Frost staring at her with a knowing grin. "What do you want?" She was far too tired for his shenanigans.

"I don't know what you're mad at today, but I'm glad you and Dr. Isles are back together." He gave her another look that made it seem like they had some kind of secret between them.

Jane narrowed her eyes at him. "O-kay." She said drawing out the word. Everyone was going crazy today, it must have been Stanley's coffee. Maybe, if she could prove it, she _could_ actually arrest the man for a health code violation. Her phone beeped on her hip. It was a text from Maura. She wanted to meet for lunch down in the morgue. "If I stare at this computer screen any longer I'm gonna go cross eyed. I'm taking a break. If you need anything, I have my cell." She grabbed her blazer trying to ignore Frost's smirk as she walked out of the door.

Maura sat in her office waiting on Jane to come down. After the autopsy while she was waiting on test results to come back she had gone out to Jane's favorite diner to get lunch for the both of them. She was pulling out two bottles of water from her mini fridge when Jane walked into her office. "What's wrong?" Maura asked after seeing the confused look on her friend's face. Jane didn't look confused often.

Jane sat on Maura's couch going over her interaction with her partner in her head. "I think – I think Frost thinks we're in a relationship."

"Well," Maura moved Jane's bag of food towards her. "Friendship is a type of relationship. So he's not wrong." _I hope. _She left that last part out of the sentence, sure that if she voiced that insecurity Jane would yell at her again and that was not her prerogative.

Jane opened the bag at her stomach's growl. She was surprised to pull out a cheeseburger and fries, from her favorite diner no less. She smiled at Maura. "Yeah, but he means in a romantic way." She opened her bottle of water and unwrapped her burger. She looked up at Maura who was doing the same. "That doesn't bother you?"

"Not at all." Maura replied easily. Jane blinked. "You're a beautiful woman, Jane." Something was definitely wrong with the coffee that morning. Jane took a giant bite out of her burger just so she wouldn't shove her foot in her mouth again. Her head was reeling. Did that mean that Maura _wanted _a romantic relationship with her? Did it mean that Maura was open to the idea? The bigger question was did _she_ want a romantic relationship with _her best friend_? She had thought about it like once maybe when she was drunk but it was because she was drunk and horny and Maura was there. They didn't do anything. Maura just dropped her off at her apartment and then boom! Jane wanted to kiss her. For no reason at all. But she was drunk that night and that was why. Why was she even thinking about this? She didn't even drink Stanley's nasty coffee and here she was getting sucked into the crazy. "I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable." Maura took a bite of her turkey sandwich.

Jane swallowed her food and took a gulp of water. "No, it – it actually doesn't." Maura was the only person in the world that made her stutter. "You're uh – um yeah too." Her face flushed at Maura's bright smile. She was going to look back on this day and blame it all on Frankie's shirt. Because she was a grown woman who knew how to use words not a teenage boy talking to his first crush. She wasn't even crushing on Maura! "I'm sorry for this morning." She blurted. She wanted the conversation to go anywhere than where it was headed. She was so not ready to have that conversation.

"You don't have to apologize, Jane." The smile fell from Maura's face. "I caught you off guard and you were already upset. The public restroom really isn't the place to have such discussions."

Jane chewed on her bottom lip trying to find the words. "I – I didn't give up on you." She finally decided on saying. "I was just tired. I was taking a break, recharging. I could never give up on you." She said the last sentence quietly before taking another bite of her burger. It was true. Her intention – as bad as it seemed – was never to give up on Maura. She was just tired. Her arm was sore and her knuckles were bleeding from knocking on the metaphorical door to Maura's heart. When Maura showed up at her house a week ago and she snapped she was still tired. She was tired during Sunday dinner. Only now as they regained some semblance of normalcy was the tiredness easing away from her bones. Maura had flipped her whole world upside down when they met. She was used to living in the upside down world but when Maura left everything got all jumbled right side up again. And now she couldn't tell what was up or down, left or right. Everything was just a mess. She took a sip of water.

"Talk to me, Jane." Maura placed a hand on Jane's knee. She had seen the flurry of emotions cross Jane's face in the short amount of time. She should have given Jane more faith than she had.

"I just," Jane sighed, locking eyes with Maura. "I feel like I have this internal compass. It's either telling me to be really pissed off all the time at everything or that I should be on my knees begging you for forgiveness. There are no other options anymore." Before Maura could respond Jane's phone went off. She looked at the screen then back to Maura. "I gotta go. The victim's family is here." She stood from the couch adjusting her pants as she did. "Thanks for lunch. I'll talk to you later."

…

Hours later Jane huffed, throwing her pen onto her desk. She had done as much of her "gumshoe" thing as she could for the day. Everyone else had gone home. She had a list of names and places she and Frost needed to track down for tomorrow. She rubbed her palms over tired eyes and leaned back into her chair. Her phone beeped on her desk. "Now what?" She groaned. She read the text with a sigh. Maura wanted her down in the lab if she was still in the building.

She stood up walking to the elevator. Jane had to give the other woman credit. She was the one who had initiated almost all of their interactions throughout the day. She guessed Maura actually did want her in her life and Jane would probably spend the rest of her life proving to the doctor that she wanted to be in it too.

When she got down to the lab she noticed Maura standing outside the doors in full workout gear. Before she could protest the doctor grabbed her arm dragging her down the hall. She didn't stop dragging Jane until they were standing in front of the boxing equipment at the gym. "Maura." Jane sighed. That tired feeling was coming back again.

"Jane, you don't like to talk about your feelings." She held her hand up at Jane's open mouth. "We both know it's true. You bottle it up. You're going to give yourself an ulcer." Maura knelt down picking out a pair of boxing gloves from the duffle bag at her feet. She put the right one on Jane's hand before the detective even knew what happened. "While I don't like to guess or assume, based on our brief talk Tuesday I have suspicions that you're having issues with more than just what happened four months ago." Then Maura picked up the boxing pad. "Until you're ready to talk about what's bothering you, you need to release some of that negative energy in a healthy manner. Only use your right hand because you did dislocate your left shoulder only ten days ago and I don't want you reinjuring those muscles." She nudged Jane with the pad. "Show me what you got."

Jane sighed. "I'm not going to hit you Maura."

"You're not hitting me, you're hitting the pad."

"Yeah and I'll knock you on your ass and you'll get hurt." Jane raised her eyebrows as Maura nudged her again.

"Just because I'm feminine doesn't mean I'm weak." Maura argued.

"I didn't say that." Jane replied narrowing her eyes.

"I can take a hit." She nudged the detective once again.

"Really, Maura, you're going to have to stop doing that." Jane took a steadying breath willing patience to overcome her annoyance. "Can't we just go for a run or something tomorrow?"

"We will." Maura answered with a grin.

"Shouldn't you be prescribing sex or something to help me 'release the tension?'" Jane asked.

"Well last time you had sex it started an avalanche of betrayal and an unfortunate series of events. So I didn't think that –" Out of nowhere Jane's right fist smashed into the pad Maura was holding catching the doctor slightly off guard. Maura shook out her wrist, she was not expecting Jane's right hand to be that strong. Jane looked at her gloved hand in wide eyed shock. "Wow, did I hit a nerve there, Detective?"

Jane bit her lip looking at Maura. She took the glove off her hand. "If you want me to box out my feelings, then I'm not going to do it with you holding that thing." She said to Maura's confused face. She threw her blazer onto one of the nearby machines. "I don't care if you can take a hit or not, Rocky Balboa, because you're still all banged up from the bike thing. And I saw you wince just then." She untucked Frankie's god awful t-shirt from her slacks and kicked off her boots. She would box one handed but she was _not_ going to box in heeled boots. "So hold the punching bag, so it doesn't hit me in the face, alright?" Maura grinned nodding her head. Jane put the glove back on her hand. Maybe Maura was on to something. Maybe after this one armed boxing match she wouldn't feel like punching small animals in the face – or big hairy men either. "As far as Special Agent Dean is concerned, we're not going to speak of him. Ever." She looked at Maura seriously. "Ready?"

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**A/N: **Well, that was fun to write. I know it seems like I'm going all over the place but from personal experience that's kind of how rebuilding friendships goes. Especially if you don't like to talk about things.

Question: Are my chapters too long? Would you find it easier to read if I split them in half or something? Or is there something I could do if you find them too hard to read? Like should I make the paragraph breaks shorter?

Thanks for reading!


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: **Kind of angsty. Also I'm not much of a crime writer (and that's not really why I'm writing this story anyways) so I'm only going to be talking about the case for as much as I need to talk about it. I'm sure, if you wanted, you could find a fic that has detail and lots of effort put into the whole crime/procedural thing but this is not that fic._  
_

**Disclaimer: **Don't own characters. Not making money. etc.

* * *

_Red stained the whiteness surrounding her. It was flowing like a crimson river. Where was it coming from? Jane's analytical mind started turning out endless possibilities. She bent down sticking a steady finger in the substance. It stained her hand. She sniffed. Blood. The word sent a signal to her brain kicking her into protective gear. Like Lassie, she was trained to help, to save, to take action. Her legs started moving. The ground she was running on, her entire surroundings seemed to be heavenly white, pure almost. The blood trail was getting thicker and darker. Whoever's blood this was they were dying. They were dying and needed salvation, needed saving; they needed her. It never occurred to her that some people would run the other way. That when faced with this choice to save or not to save, to fight or not to fight, that not saving, not fighting was even an option. _

_The blood was getting thicker still as she moved faster and faster. Finally, yards ahead, she saw the person. It was a person still right? Not yet a body? She stepped up her speed. Death was nipping at her heels closing in, overpowering her sprint, ignoring her completely and going to the source of the crimson river. She knew when it happened. She felt it deep in her bones, in the very center of her being. She was too late. The person was now a body, a victim of a horrific act. But the blood flowed ever stronger. Was there more than one? It was a futile question, she knew. She was the only thing alive in this heaven like hell. She was too late. She was always too late._

_When she reached the body her pounding heart should have stopped. Death should have come back taking her with him. For the body bleeding a crimson river wasn't just a body. "No." Did that sound come from her mouth? Was that her own voice? Was that what it sounded like to be on the other side of such a shameful act? To be the one who witnessed? The one who saw? _

_Her knees collided to the cold, hard, white ground splashing in the blood. Her bones jolted together like all the cartilage in them was gone. The pain was nothing, just a blip on her radar, a millisecond jolt of something before a whole different kind of pain overtook her completely. Laid before her in designer heels and dress was her best friend. She felt like Hulk himself was standing on her chest. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't move. All she saw was the unmoving, unflinching, dead eyes of Maura Isles. How could she have let this happen? How could Maura be dead? Who did this? She would find out. She would find out and hunt them down. And then, then instinct took over. Because Maura couldn't be dead. _

_Jane started inspecting the doctor. Where was all the blood coming from? There wasn't any open wounds or knifes protruding from smooth skin or bullet holes. But then she asked herself why would Maura get shot? And a cold calculated voice replied: because she's friends with you. She shook her head vehemently. She had no part in this. But she would fix it. Yes, she would fix it! Because that's what she does, right? No, the voice said again, you just make things worse. You take lives and freedom from others. She shook her head again. "Shut up!" She screamed. The words didn't sound like her words, it didn't sound like her voice. But the demon – that stupid voice – was gone. _

_She started performing CPR on her best friend. She held the doctor's nose and breathed hot air into her mouth hoping that this was just…that it was a mistake. She did it again and again and again. Her hands hurt. She was lightheaded. "This isn't funny." In the back of her mind she could hear Maura say 'no one's laughing' like she so often did when Jane said something wasn't funny. The words echoed in her mind. No one's laughing. No one's laughing. Jane, desperate and pleading, started tossing around splashing in the blood to find where it was coming from. And then she heard it._

_The barely echo of a haunting laugh and heavy footsteps. "Come on Maura, wake up! This isn't funny!" She slapped the doctor's face staring into those cold, blank, hazel eyes once more. No one's laughing. But someone was laughing. Someone grabbed her around the shoulders with a grip of steel and iron, a formidable force on her clavicle. She kicked and she screamed and she fought but the force was too great and she was too weak. She grabbed Maura's foot as a last effort to save her. But the heel came off in her hands. No one's laughing. Blood stained her hands. There was always blood on her hands. _

Jane jerked awake. The blankets tangled around her waist. Cold sweat slicked her skin. Her hair stuck to her neck and forehead like life-sucking vines. Her tank top was plastered to her body. Her heart thudded painfully loud against her ribcage. She couldn't breathe. It was like someone had a vice like grip on her throat, like she was having an allergic reaction to her dream. Even awake all she could see was Maura's dead eyes. She swallowed back the bile building in her stomach. The clock read two AM. Shaky hands grabbed her cellphone. The light nearly blinded her but there were no missed calls. She was tempted to call. Tempted to run out of her house and to Maura's just to see that the other woman was alive, that she was breathing, and not in some white prison where she couldn't save her. She wanted to. But it was early. Too early. And she had just gotten Maura back into her life she didn't want to bombard the good doctor with her special brand of crazy just yet. But, God, did she want to call her.

She heard a noise from the kitchen. The fine hairs on her neck stood on end. Adrenaline filled her bloodstream. Instinct took over. She stuck her phone in the waistband of her underwear and snatched the gun off her nightstand, flicking the safety off. The cool metal felt good between her hands. Like the cop she was she made her way throughout her apartment searching behind each and every door for some hidden boogieman. When she got to the kitchen she heard scratching on hardwood floor. Sanity crept back into her veins. _Dog, you have a dog. Don't kill your dog._ As if on cue Jo Friday came prancing around the counter. Her face was wet from the water she had been drinking. She tilted her head at her human giving just a small whine. Jane flicked the safety back on her weapon. Still shaking she flopped down on her butt leaning against her solid wood of her front door. Jo bounded to her owner. She licked Jane's hand twice before Jane started scratching her ear. She would never tell Korsak, but she was grateful for the little dog. Jo gave her something to come home to and she greeted her with such excitement she always caught herself smiling even when she had a particularly tough case. But now, not even the little fur ball could lighten her mood.

Jane had these nightmares before. She couldn't remember when they started. Sometimes the body was faceless, sometimes it was one of her brothers, or Frost or Korsak, or even her mother. The ones about Maura and her mother were always the hardest to swallow. Somewhere in the back of her mind she thought they were the most vulnerable out of all of them. Or she needed to protect them better. Because unlike Frankie, Frost and Korsak they weren't cops and unlike Tommy they weren't ex-cons either, they were just people. They were the type of people that she had taken an oath to protect. It was never supposed to be them. If anyone was supposed to die it was her. She was the one that signed up for the job. She was the one that got shot at more times than a person should be shot at. It was always supposed to be her. And always in her dreams she was too late. There was no saving, there was no hunting. It was just her and a dead friend or stranger. She was always too late.

She hit the back of her head against the door with a thud exhaling loudly through her nostrils. When she extended her bare legs Jo Friday took the opportunity to hop onto her lap curling into a small ball of warmth nuzzling into her owner's stomach. _Maura was okay. _She repeated that sentence over and over in her head. _Maura was okay. _

Maybe if things were simpler, if things weren't still awkward with the doctor she would call or go over to her house. But Jane was terrified. Because Maura left her. No matter how many times she told herself that that's just what Maura does or that's how Maura copes with things or that Maura had a damn good reason to leave because _she shot her father _it still upset her. Because Maura left without saying goodbye and in Jane's personal book of ethics and codes that was a giant red X. It was a no-no. When people don't say goodbye it means they are gone for good. And for Jane no matter how many times she told herself that Maura didn't leave for good, that Maura was just a phone call away, she couldn't take that lifeline. She was scared if she made that phone call that she would push Maura over the edge. She was scared that she didn't have the right to make that two AM phone call anymore. If she made that phone call Maura would get so completely fed up with her neediness and would leave permanently, that all of the so called progress in their relationship the last week was for show and meant nothing. Jane couldn't handle that.

Jane knew what was wrong with her. She had a high stress job and her family was stressful and multiple people had told her she didn't know how to relax and she didn't like talking about things. That last one, that last one was a bit of a doozy. Because it wasn't that she couldn't talk about her problems she just didn't see the point. She would talk and then she'd get that look. The one that said 'you're fucking insane' (because her thoughts leaned towards the darker side) or worse yet she'd get the look of pity. And Jane Rizzoli did not need anyone to pity her. So instead she had sarcasm.

Jane sat at her door with wide eyes staring intently at her open living room. Her gun was gripped tightly in her left hand. She feared if she closed her eyes, if she tried to go back to sleep, that her mind would slip back into that unsafe place again and she'd see blank hazel eyes and she didn't have the strength to face that again. For the next three hours the only sound in her whole apartment was that of her own uneven breathing and the soft sounds of her dog's quick breaths. By five AM Jane lifted the little dog from her lap before standing on shaky feet. Her knees were weak and wobbly. Her butt was numb and her eyes felt swollen and twitchy. Her neck was stiff and there was a pounding in her head that wouldn't stop. She had to pry the gun out of her left hand because her fingers were stiff from the firm grip and didn't want to move. A few labored steps later she found herself in her shower getting ready for the day.

It was six thirty and Jane was on her third cup of coffee. It was still early. Like 'why was she in the office before the sun was up when she didn't have to be' early. She wasn't sure if it was the caffeine running in her system or the residual anxiousness from her dream, but she could not sit still. She created a whole murder board in the time she was in the office. Her desk was covered in color coded post it notes with little notes and phone numbers. Her files were perfectly ordered by date and time and alphabetized by victim's names. She finished three previously unfinished reports. By six forty five she couldn't keep it up any longer. She needed to see Maura. Immediately. Or she was going to go crazier.

Maura usually came into the office a little before seven to get everything ready for the day. But as Jane got off the elevator at the basement an eerie silence followed her every move and the motion sensing lights snapped on with a hum. Fear gripped her insides. Basements always gave her weird feelings. Psych would say it was PTSD or the after effects of her experience with Hoyt. She just said basements were creepy. But this basement was especially creepy when she was the only living person in it. Visions of a horrifying zombie scene flashed through her mind. Unconsciously she unstrapped the gun on her hip from its holster. A heightened sense of awareness swept through her body. Her feet were glued to the tile floor. Images of that morning's dream floated back to the forefront of her mind. She should have called Maura. What if the other woman needed her help? What if she couldn't get to her phone to call her? What if she didn't think she _could_ call her? What if Jane ruined that part of their relationship forever? What if Maura was resting silently locked away in one of the drawers in this very room? Or in some other morgue in Boston? Suddenly, Jane couldn't breathe. Panic was building in her chest. Her heart was going to explode.

The sound of clicking heels went unnoticed by the ever more panicking detective. "Jane?"

The woman in question spun on her heel. On instinct her left hand braced for her gun before her brain finally caught up to everything. Wide Brown met wide hazel. _Maura was okay. _Jane gave a nervous laugh. The panic slowly ebbed away from her bone, her heart rate finally going back to normal. This was far too much adrenaline to be had before seven AM. "Sorry. You know what they say about sneaking up on a cop." She held her hands at either side of her head in surrender.

Maura raised an eyebrow at the woman standing before her. The only time she had seen Jane look as terrified as she did a few seconds ago they were both bound by zip ties. And then Jane's normal snark didn't even have half the heart it normally did. Looking at Jane once more her words caught in her throat. Jane looked sick with bloodshot eyes, pale skin, and shaky hands. "Jane, are you –" _okay, drunk, having nightmares again. _The question had a million different ends to it but before she could finish asking it their phones rang.

Jane physically jumped at the sound interrupting their awkward silence. It felt like Maura was staring into her soul. It was creepy. And she welcomed the distraction. "Rizzoli." She heard Maura answer hers just afterwards. "On it." She shoved her phone back in its holder before walking around the medical examiner not daring to look her in the face.

…

The second she arrived on scene she knew they had the beginnings of a serial on their hands. It was the exact same type of situation as the scene the day before. One victim, female, young, with her face bashed in and multiple other injuries. Two bodies in two days. She ignored Maura's questioning gaze instead choosing to walk to her partner to set up a game plan and talk to witnesses.

…

Jane was completely and utterly exhausted. She lost count of the amount of coffee she had drunk. It was one of those long days that never seemed to end. She, Frost, and Korsak had spoken with the second victim's family. They had gone through endless hours of security tapes and witness statements. Nothing connected these two women together. There was no link, no known associates, no matching acquaintances or friends. The first victim was a college senior at BCU and the second was a lawyer at a tax firm. She put her head down on her desk with a sigh. They were nowhere with this case.

…

Maura walked out of the elevator. She hadn't seen Jane since their encounter that morning. Frankie even came down in her place for the autopsy. Jane was out of the office most of the day. Frankie told her during the procedure that Jane was interviewing people and taking statements. She saw Jane's partner walking ahead of her as she made her way out of the metal box. "Detective Frost!" He turned to face her, a questioning look on his face. He too looked tired. "Has Jane gone home yet?"

Frost yawned shaking his head. "Last I saw she was asleep on her desk. She looked a little ragged all day so I thought I'd let her sleep. Plus," He laughed. "Every time I told her she should go home she kind of bit my head off. You know how she gets." Maura nodded her head. He turned to leave walking backwards. "See you later, doc." He walked out the doors.

Maura pressed the button to the elevator. She knew somewhere deep inside her being that she didn't have to do this. She didn't have to make Jane go home. She didn't have to walk up to the bullpen and coax her friend back into her blazer. She didn't. But Jane was the one who made those little impulsive thoughts go away. As she stepped into the elevator a new thought raced into her mind. Jane was her magnet. Jane was the very reason people said opposites attract. It was like Jane was her negative and she was the positive. When Doyle happened they both were negative and couldn't connect. Ever since she saw Jane with the sling around her neck at her apartment she was drawn back to the detective. She needed Jane in a way she couldn't vocalize. She needed to be around her at all times. Those two months that she was back yet still on non-speaking terms with the detective ruined her. And now that they were friendly again she needed the constant pull, the constant reassurance that only Jane was able to give her.

Stepping out of the elevator she noticed that Frost was right. Jane was sleeping with her head resting on crossed arms. Maura gently poked the sleeping detective in the ribs. It was in these small moments that Maura felt most like her old self, like their friendship hadn't been irrevocably changed so many times for them to have lost sight of 'normal.' It was in these small moments when Jane was just Jane and not Detective Rizzoli and when she was just Maura not Dr. Isles that things fell into place.

It was so clear to her after Jane shot herself all those months ago. She remembered clearly sitting in the uncomfortable plastic hospital chairs covered in Jane's blood. She spent hours in that same position trying to formulate a worst case scenario in her head so that when it happened she would somehow be able to move on. Because people leave. She shouldn't have ever thought any different. But every time she thought about the raven haired detective not being in her life everything felt different.

Jane changed her in small insignificant ways that all added up to several life altering courses of action. Jane made her brave. Jane gave her strength. She never met anyone like Jane before. The woman had the kindness of a missionary, the loyalty of a Labrador and the courage of a lion. Jane made her see there was more to life than facts and science. That there was more to her than 'Queen of the Dead: Dr. Isles.' Jane gave her a home. And when she was in threat of losing all of those things it made her weak in the knees, made her heart quicken with unrelenting dread. When she walked into Jane's hospital room for the first time the full effect hit her like a freight train. She had to grab hold of the door frame to keep from falling over. She loved Jane Rizzoli. Somehow between their sleepovers, movie nights, and teasing she had fallen. And she couldn't get out. She knew Jane could never feel the same way because, well, Jane was a completely heterosexual woman by all accounts. Maura tried not to let her feelings get in the way of their friendship. But when Jane shot her father the wall holding all of her emotions in check crumbled. The betrayal she felt ran deeper than it should have. After all Doyle was the reason why she existed but he did not choose to keep her, he gave her up. The betrayal she felt at the time was a lethal combination of Jane's current flame, her mother's accident, and Doyle. All three created this trifecta of emotional trauma, like three F2 tornadoes colliding together for maximum damage. And she had to leave before she did or said something she regretted but leaving, she found, was probably the worst thing she could've done. "Jane." She said nudging the detective again. Finally Jane stirred.

Jane blinked her eyes sleepily raising her head from her hands. She felt like she had gotten hit by a bus. She wiped the slight drool from her mouth as she slowly came up to a sitting position. She leaned back in her chair stretching a bit before she finally noticed Maura. "Hi."

There were so many things that Maura wanted to say. She noticed the rapid yawns coming from Jane's mouth and her shaky hands while she read the file in her hands. _I wish you would talk to me, _she thought. It was a thought she often had when it came to Jane. Angela had been right when she said the Rizzoli family didn't let their anger fester. Jane was very vocal about her anger or frustration. It was the other feelings that she let simmer for a while that concerned her. The hurt, the sadness, the exhaustion from keeping it all in, that was what she was worried about most. Maura gently took the file from Jane's hands.

"Maura." The detective sighed reaching for the file.

Maura pulled it further away. "Let me take you home."

"I can't. I'm working." Jane reached for the file again.

"You can barely keep your eyes open." Maura reasoned. "You're exhausted. Let me take you home."

Jane exhaled heavily. She was too exhausted for this fight. Less than three hours of sleep and over twelve hours of work were taking a toll on her. She wasn't getting anywhere with the case anyway. She pushed back from her desk letting her chair roll backwards a few inches. "Okay." She stood to her feet feeling Maura's hand press into her lower back. Frost's words came back into her mind _glad you're back together. _She knew if it was anyone else telling her to go home they would've had a hell of a harder fight. Maura was always different. Why did Frost have to go and put thoughts into her head? She didn't stop herself from leaning into her best friend's shoulder as they walked to the elevator.

Maura was taken aback by Jane's easy give. She was expecting a bigger fight. She was even more shocked when Jane leant into her, like she didn't have the strength to carry her own weight anymore. As they waited for the elevator she couldn't help herself hoping that she would eventually get the old Jane back. That Jane's sarcasm would come back or that Jane would laugh at her jokes again or give her that look that said 'you're a complete weirdo but you're my best friend so I find it endearing.' Maura wrapped her arm around her detective's waist as they walked towards her blue Prius.

A handful of minutes later Maura was helping the sleep deprived detective walk up the two flights of stairs to her apartment. They stood in Jane's living room semi-awkwardly. Maura turned to leave. She didn't really want to but the other woman hadn't said anything about staying. "Maura," She closed her eyes at the sound of Jane's voice. The hurt was so clearly evident in the two syllable word. She wanted to fix it. "I – I know it's a work night and we're just getting back to – to us but I really…I need…could you..." Jane trailed off.

Maura looked at her friend. She wished she could just make it all go away. The hurt, the pain, the emptiness. She had half a mind to shove the detective against the wall and have her way with her just to make Jane _feel_ something. This moment was one of those life changing moments, much like at the elevator before. She had two options. She could admit her own hurt and walk away. It was a work night after all. Or, she could stay. Her choice was made before she even realized. She walked away from Jane once, for four whole months, and it hadn't done a damn thing for either of them. If Jane allowed her she would spend the rest of her life making it up to the detective. She closed the distance placing a comforting hand on Jane's shoulder. "I'll stay."

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**A/N:** I feel like I'm finally getting into a groove here, I like it! It makes writing more fun anyways.

Thanks for the reviews/alerts and as always, thanks for reading!


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: **So the whole 'Not a crime writer' thing really pertains to this chapter as well.

**Disclaimer: **Don't own characters, not making money etc.

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Jane sat in her usual booth at the Robber with her feet propped up and Maura across from her. She was getting increasingly frustrated with the case they were working. Two women were dead and she couldn't figure out why or who or anything. They had no leads, no new discoveries, no nothing. There was absolutely nothing that connected the two women other than the fact that they were both dead and had been murdered the exact same way. Jane had been frustrated all day long. Maura had stayed the night at her house the night before as per request and she had gotten some decent sleep for once but still she felt unbelievably tired. When Maura suggested going for some dinner at the robber Frost and Korsak practically shoved her into the elevator. So there she sat having dinner with her best friend while a case was still open on her desk. It felt wrong. She looked at Maura who was delicately taking a bite out of her pasta. "How are you so…okay?" She demanded.

Maura put her fork down looking at Jane. Truth be told, she was expecting an outburst from the detective. With cases like the one they were involved with now where there was no lead or a hint of a lead always made Jane slightly on the agitated side. "I don't know if you know it or not but you have a tendency to be very vague about things."

Jane narrowed her eyes at the woman across from her. She stuck a French fry in some ketchup before chewing on it passive aggressively. "I mean I'm a mess. I've been a mess since the warehouse. And you," She waved in Maura's direction. "You leave and come back and all of a sudden you're perfectly fine. And I don't get it. Why?"

"When I went away," Jane snorted. Maura glared at her before continuing. "I left the country for two months. It gave me time to process and decompress. And I saw a therapist when I got back while we weren't talking for two months. Overall I've realized that the situation was just a bad series of circumstances that were out of both of our control. I've accepted that and moved on." She tilted her head to the side. "Albeit it was easier since no one actually died."

"You've been seeing a shrink?" Jane asked. Maura nodded her head taking a sip of her water. "Since when? How did I not know this?"

"I've been seeing her since college. Though not consecutively, I usually only see her when I need to." Maura shifted her eyes away from Jane's. "I saw her a few times after what happened in the jail infirmary and then when I came back from my sabbatical in Africa."

"After Hoyt." It wasn't a question. Jane laughed dryly shaking her head. "Wow, I'm a spectacular friend."

"You are." Maura replied.

"I was being sarcastic."

"People cope with things in different ways. I need time and when that doesn't work I need to talk things through until they make sense. And some people would rather pretend certain things never happened. It's all a matter of coping."

Jane scoffed. "And I'm the 'some other people' in that equation?"

"Jane, you have a history of avoiding topics you find uncomfortable."

Jane sighed. "I know. I just…I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me about things that are bothering you. It makes me feel like a crappy person."

Maura reached across the table placing her hand over Jane's. "I know I can talk to you about anything. That's why you're a great friend, my _best _friend. But you weren't ready to have that conversation. You were dealing with it in your own way. And I'm fine with it. I am." She gave the hand a squeeze. "You're a good person, Jane."

Jane rolled her eyes. She really wished she had a beer but she was on the job and generally speaking alcohol and police work was frowned upon. "I've killed people Maura, I don't think that makes me a good person." She closed her eyes tight the second the words left her mouth. She hadn't meant to say them. Maura had a way of doing that to her: making her say things she didn't want to say.

"Jane, those were bad people, people that were trying to kill you or your partner or innocent bystanders." Maura reasoned. Jane raised her eyebrows once with a shrug taking a bite of her burger. It was the end of the conversation. Maura knew the signal well. She sighed. "You do that a lot you know?"

"Do what?" Jane asked through a mouthful of food.

Maura rolled her eyes. "You say these big meaningful things and then drop it like a hot potato when people expect you to elaborate further. It's irritating."

Jane cocked an eyebrow. "Irritating?" She nodded her head at Maura. "Nice. That's why I don't talk about my stupid thoughts." She mumbled into her water glass.

"Jane that's not –" Maura started before she was once again interrupted by the sounds of their cell phones ringing. They answered. They had another victim but she survived the attack. She was on her way to the hospital. They stood from the booth. Jane threw some bills onto the table. "Saved by the ring." Maura said before walking past Jane towards the door.

"It's bell." Jane said with a laugh. "You were almost two for two on getting the expressions right that time. I think I'm a bad influence on you." She followed Maura out the door.

Before they got into the car Maura turned towards Jane looking serious. "Jane, I know you have your own way of dealing with things but if or when those thoughts get to be too much, I want you to know that you can call me, or come to my house. Anytime. Day or night."

"Noted." Jane said quietly. She looked at Maura expectantly. "Can we get to the crime scene now?"

…

"What is the connection here?" Jane threw the file she was holding onto her desk with a sigh. It was around eight the next morning and Jane was on her second cup of coffee. She and Frost spent most of the previous night at the hospital. She only went home to shower, sleep for a couple hours, and change clothes. The third victim was still in critical condition at the hospital. The only reason she even made it to the hospital was because a bouncer walking home from his shift saw her struggling against her attacker and stepped in.

"When you hear hoofbeats think horses not zebras." Maura, who was sitting at Jane's desk, put the loose papers back into the manila folder.

"Maura!" Jane whined dropping her hands to her sides. They were lucky in that the bouncer got a couple punches on him but they weren't lucky enough for him to have seen the guys face. The bouncer had blood on his shirt from the attacker and they took a swab from the bouncer's knuckles for DNA. Maura was having the crime lab run it as they stood in the bullpen. All three of the victims deserved justice and Jane was determined as ever to give it to them. But she couldn't find the damn connection! She growled again before she started pacing.

"They're all women." Frankie offered up.

"And they're all brunettes." Frost said.

"They all had alcohol in their system." Maura said next.

"So what, our killer is in a bar picking out a random female brunette and follows them when they leave just to beat them up?" Jane asked quizzically. It sounded right. It sounded like that was what was indeed happening but there still wasn't a why or a motive or reason. Jane had been doing her job long enough to know that the why mattered. The why gave them an idea of where the guy would strike next or who he'd go after next. Without the why they were still guessing. And while most of her job was based on guessing it was also about following her gut and her gut was telling her that they were missing something.

"I think that's exactly what's happening." The voice didn't belong to anyone the people standing inside the homicide room recognized. Jane turned around finding a woman standing in a black and white power suit. The gold badge and gun on her hip instantly alerted her that the woman meant business and was most definitely _not_ FBI. Even though, Jane reasoned in her head, FBI had no jurisdiction where this was concerned anyways. But she knew from experience the feds, or one particular fed, seemed to show up at random anyways. "I work downstairs. I'm Lieutenant Stacy Emerson for the Violent Crimes unit." She extended her hand towards Jane. "You must be Detective Jane Rizzoli?"

Jane nodded her head with a small smile shaking the woman's hand. "You know anything about this case that we don't know?" Jane asked a little perturbed.

Lieutenant Emerson shook her head. "My team was just getting caught up on the victim at the hospital last night. Somehow we got a little mixed up, we wouldn't have gotten involved had we known the case was related to yours." Jane nodded her head. She was beginning to like this woman. The no nonsense way she spoke and the way her tone was light but demanding all at once. Jane knew instantly this was the kind of woman who knew her stuff. "I spoke with Lieutenant Cavanaugh and he brought me up to speed with the string of cases you're working on now. One of my detectives was able to find a friend of the third victim. Detective Rice was able to find out what bar they were hanging out at before they parted ways. It seems like the bar is very near to each crime scene. I thought it might be worth looking into." She nodded her head.

"Well, what bar?" Jane asked impatiently.

"Before we get into details I need to speak with you and your partner in Lieutenant Cavanaugh's office." Emerson began walking towards the office in question. Jane raised her eyebrows at Frost and Korsak before motioning them to follow her leaving Frankie and Maura to look at each other in confusion. Korsak shut the door quietly behind him. "The bar is called Luck's Irish Pub. I know, Detective Rizzoli, you're the lead investigator on this case. I've already spoken to your lieutenant," She motioned towards Cavanaugh. "He agrees with my proposed plan but the decision ultimately rests in your hands. I don't want to step on any toes here." Jane nodded in understanding. There was yet another reason to like this woman. She experienced enough working with the Robbery Unit on some of her cases that most people would've gladly stepped on toes and faces to get what they wanted. She continued to listen. "This man seems to be going on a schedule. The media is starting to pay attention and it seems other than the name of the bar we're stuck on both sides of this operation. I was thinking we could set up an undercover operation in the bar. I have two capable brunette female detectives on my team and you yourself are a brunette. I understand you have a DNA sample already from the third crime scene that you're waiting on results from. There's a good chance that this guy isn't in CODIS. That's why I propose the undercover operation. The three detectives can get DNA samples from different guys at the bar to have them run against the one we already have. I'm sure that's where he picks out his target. In the meantime I'll increase patrol officers in that area. What do you say Detective?"

Everyone turned towards Jane. "Sounds like the best shot we have at the moment of nailing this guy." Frost and Korsak nodded their heads.

Lieutenant Emerson smiled. "I'll inform my team and we'll set up a meeting and a task force then."

* * *

**A/N: **I know it sounds a little like I Kissed a Girl but I wasn't intending it too. Also I know this chapter is really short but I just got done with finals so I'm all researched and studied out so I really don't want to go do research about scientific crimes and police procedure and what not. Like I said in last chapter's A/N the crime isn't really important it's what happens in between that's really important. Mainly I need this chapter up as a segue into the rest of the story. I promise I know what I'm doing (hah where I'm going at least.) I actually have most of chapter 10 written out long hand. And actually the rest of the chapters (in bits and pieces) written out that way too. I just want to say this story is going somewhere I promise!

Anyways, thanks for reviewing/alerting for last time! And as always, thanks for reading!


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: **This chapter has made me realize that I am really bad at dialogue (like I was laughing at myself while writing this) so you'll have to bear with me. Also, that 'groove' I was talking about being in? Is completely gone in this chapter. Sorry, in advance.

**Disclaimer: **Don't own the characters, not making money, etc.

* * *

Jane found herself sitting in the passenger side of an unmarked car on the way to the hospital with the ever talkative Detective Amanda Rice. She had no idea how she got roped into this. Amanda just kept talking and talking and it took all of Jane's willpower to not yell at her to just shut up. She had no idea how her partner put up with her. She had no idea how she was going to put up with this for however long it took to get the guy. It had been a couple days after her initial meeting with Lt. Emerson. They spent most of that two days setting up their operation. Their suspect hadn't made another move. They didn't know if it was from their increase in patrol or if the guy was still nursing a bruised face and ego from the bouncer but either way, Jane found herself thankful for whatever it was.

It was decided that she, Amanda and Amanda's partner, Detective Kate Scott, would all go undercover together. Two male officers would also be undercover in the bar along with the response team consisting of Frost, Korsak, and Emerson in the van outside watching and listening to their every move. Jane had to admit, it was a pretty solid plan. As for Jane's feelings towards her undercover partners that was still up in the air.

She knew Kate. She and Kate were on the same beat when they both worked patrol. Years ago they were friends and it was pretty easy to pick up where they left off. Kate was a great detective and had made a name for herself in the unit she was in. But Amanda was going to drive her to insanity. The younger woman was like the energizer bunny. She just kept going and going and going. She talked fast and a lot and rarely gave anyone time to answer her back. It was slowly driving her insane yet somehow Jane was roped in to going to the hospital with this woman instead of Kate and somehow she was roped into sitting into the passenger seat instead of driving. She sipped her coffee trying to tune the woman out. Detective Nathan Mathews from their unit and Detective Joe Howard from Violent Crimes were going to be the men with them in the bar. She didn't know much about Howard but Kate said he was a good detective so she guessed it would work out. She was so used to doing things homicide's way that this whole situation of inter department mingling was screwing with her mind. She just wanted this case to be over with. Then she could get some real sleep and real food and have quality time with her best friend.

The car stopped moving and the woman at her left finally stopped talking. Jane had never been so happy with silence her whole life. She rushed out of the car and through the hospital doors with Amanda following her.

…

Maura was in her office when she heard a knock on the door. She looked up expecting to see Jane, but instead her eyes connected with the deep blue ones of Detective Kate Scott. Detective Scott was a detective for the violent crimes unit and was going to go undercover with her partner Detective Amanda Rice and Jane. Maura didn't like the whole situation. Watching Jane and the other homicide detectives interact with the ones from the other unit gave her mixed feelings. She just wanted this case to be over. Maura eyed her warily. "Is there something you need, Detective Scott?"

Kate stepped forward with trepidation. The few days they were working together she kept getting weird vibes from the doctor. She wanted to clear up any misunderstandings without alerting Jane that's why she got her partner to go to the hospital with Jane instead of going herself. She brought her hand up to her neck grabbing the silver chain that hung there and began fiddling with her dog tags. She wore them everywhere. They were a symbol of war, of service, the things she had lived through and others hadn't. Some people wore crosses or a St. Michael's pendant across their necks but she preferred to put her faith in the worn, roughed up metal squares. And if there was one thing she needed at this exact moment it was faith. She took a steadying breath. "Jane and I are just friends. That's all we've ever been, all we'll ever be. We were on the same beat for a while back in the day. There's not a whole lot of female cops out there so we grew to be friends." Her words were rushed but clear.

"Excuse me?" Maura asked incredulously.

Kate dropped her hand from around her neck, now she was completely confused. "I just thought – I'm a detective." Kate spouted. "I mean to say, I read people for a living."

"People aren't books they can't be read." Maura interrupted curtly.

Kate rolled her eyes. "You've been treating me with a strange wide birth of utter professionalism. You and Jane seem to have a thing going on and I just wanted you to know that I'm not stepping on your territory nor do I plan to. I'm in a committed relationship with a man who is on the Massachusetts Highway Patrol." She finished with a nod.

"I treat everyone with the same professional courtesy. I work with the detectives in the homicide unit on a regular basis. Naturally I am closer to them and we have an understanding. I apologize if it felt like I was singling you out. As for the other thing," Maura started filing things on her already completely organized desk. "Jane and I do not have a _thing_ going on." She emphasized the word. "She's my best friend. Jane isn't anyone's territory because she is a person and not an object."

"Dr. Isles?" Both of the women turned to see a clean shaven lab tech holding a file in his hand standing in the doorway.

Maura walked towards him holding out her hand. He gave her the file before leaving quickly. It was silent for a moment before Maura looked up at Kate. "You can tell your lieutenant that she was correct. The suspect is not in CODIS, there wasn't a match found." Maura walked back to her desk.

"I'll be sure to tell her." Kate said nodding her head feeling sufficiently awkward. "I'm sorry for misjudging the situation, Dr. Isles. I guess I'll see you around then."

…

The next day Jane was sitting in the morgue on an empty, unused autopsy table while she watched Maura finish up reexamining the second victim. They were supposed to go undercover that day. She was trying to listen to what Maura was saying thinking it might just be vital to the case but she was failing miserably. Hospitals always wore her out and the visit she had the day before with Amanda Can't-Shut-Up-To-Save-Her-Life Rice really zapped her of all her energy. The peanut butter and fluff sandwich she'd eaten before she crashed on her bed last night was doing nothing for her now that it was the middle of the day. She needed more coffee.

Jane hopped off the table with a heavy sigh. When her feet hit the ground the world around her seemed to shift. She stumbled backwards a few steps knocking a table of medical instruments to the ground. At the sound of metal on tile Maura quickly took off her gloves and walked towards Jane. She grabbed the woman's arm for stabilization. Jane brought a shaky hand to the bridge of her nose taking slow breaths as her vision went back to normal.

"When was the last time you've eaten?" Maura pressed the back of her hand against Jane's forehead.

"Stop!" Jane whined pushing Maura's hand away from her face. "Dinner last night?" She guessed.

"Jane!" Maura admonished.

"What?" Jane said pulling away from Maura. "I was working. I _am_ working. I just forgot to eat." She finished with a yawn. Maura was now glaring at her. "Maura, I'm fine."

"No you're not Jane!" She hissed grabbing the detective's arm again in fear that she might drop and bust her head open on the floor. "You're running yourself into the ground. You always do but this time it's different. I can tell. Whatever is going on in your head, whatever point you have to prove or mountain you feel like you need to conquer alone, whatever it is it's going to get you killed." The word hung in the air around them. As if out of all the things that happened between them that one thing was the sole giant pink elephant in the room. Jane shifted her gaze away from Maura. "You're going undercover tonight. So you," She started dragging Jane to her office. "Are going to lie down on my couch and sleep for a couple hours. Then I'm going to wake you up and bring you some food. The other detectives can handle the case alone for a while." She pushed Jane onto the couch.

Jane sat looking at Maura. She was running around the room shutting blinds and turning off lights leaving the room in total darkness. "Maura?" She called just as the door was about to close. "I – I love you too, you know?" Her voice was quiet and soft, it was always easier to tell people things in the dark. Over the past few days she was becoming unsure of what kind of love it was that she had for Maura. Their relationship seemed deeper than pure friendship yet it didn't hold that familial bond. It was complicated. Jane never had something like that before and it was starting to make her question everything. And it was all because of Frost. Frost, and his stupid, big mouth.

Maura paused in the doorway, a faint of a smile on her lips. "I know, Jane. Get some rest."

Two hours later Maura made her way to her office with two containers of chicken pot pie courtesy of Angela Rizzoli. She opened the door to her officer quietly flipping on the light with her elbow. The couch was really too small for her friend. Jane's left leg was hanging off the piece of furniture; her knee was resting on the floor. Jane's left hand reached the same fate. She had her head to the side resting her face on her right hand.

"You're staring." Jane said her voice rougher from sleep. "And you have food!" She sat up with a yawn and a stretch. After a few minutes of mindless eating Jane looked up at Maura who looked bothered. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." She said taking a bite out of her food.

Jane rolled her eyes. "You know you keep saying you can't lie but I'm beginning to think that's a lie in itself." She took a swig from her bottle of water. She looked at Maura in the eye. "This – this undercover thing is going to be okay. I'm not going to be the only one there. There's going to be plenty of backup. She reached out for Maura's hand. "I wish I could promise you that nothing will happen, that I'll come home. I do. But I can't make a promise that I can't keep. Even though I'm like ninety-nine percent sure it'll be okay."

Maura looked at Jane. "That's not," She sighed. "While you were sleeping I spoke with Lieutenants Emerson and Cavanaugh. They want my in the truck with them because of my knowledge of criminal psychology. They think I'll be of use to you while you try to pick up the suspect's DNA. I agreed."

Jane nodded her head feeling herself stiffen at the thought of Maura going out of her job description to help them solve a case_, again_. "You'll stay in the truck though?"

Maura nodded her head. "Cavanaugh explicitly said so."

Jane nodded her head silently. All of the food was gone, she looked at her watch. "Well, then I guess I will see you in the bullpen then." She stood. "I gotta get ready."

…

Jane stood in a stall in the women's restroom pulling on a pair of black skinny jeans with a frayed hole at the knee and some lace up black boots that she couldn't remember buying. She exchanged her blazer and v-neck for a charcoal tank top. She took out her make up bag with a heavy sigh. This was her least favorite part of undercover work. When she worked undercover in DCU she learned being someone else was easier when she didn't feel like herself. So she put on heavy eyeliner and mascara in a way she never ever wore it. Just as she was putting on the finishing touches and fluffing her hair the door to the bathroom opened. Detective Can't-shut-up walked in looking all dressed and ready to go. "Hey, thought I'd find you here!" Amanda said brightly. Jane had to force herself not to roll her eyes; this woman's perkiness was really starting to grate on her nerves. "I have a question and you'll probably want to hit me for asking it." She laughed nervously. "But I didn't get to be a detective by not asking the hard questions. And you should know I'm trained in mixed martial arts. So don't mess." She said with a little finger wag in Jane's direction. Jane raised her eyebrows. The younger detective was the least intimidating woman she'd ever met. Jane turned around leaning against the sink crossing her arms. "Okay, so that medical examiner of yours," Jane clenched her jaw feeling her whole body tense. If this woman was going to say anything bad about Maura there was going to be hell to pay. "Are you two like a thing?"

Flabbergasted, Jane was completely and utterly flabbergasted. "What?"

Amanda walked to the sink fixing her hair in the mirror while she spoke. "It's just you both do these cute things when the other is in the room and I was just curious. But I guess you're not? Oh! Is it one of those things where you are both totally in love but too afraid to say anything? Or is it one of those forbidden love things because you're both women? That's kind of sad." Amanda finally took a breath but continued on before Jane could even process everything she said. "I don't know what your problem is. Dr. Isles is a beautiful woman and she so completely adores you. People like that don't come around often. Don't let your chance pass you by!" She ended with a fist pump and a face cracking grin. Jane stared with wide eyes blinking dumbfounded at the detective. She was sure if it were possible her jaw would've been on the floor. _What the hell just happened?_ At Jane's silence Amanda's smile dropped. For the first time since knowing her Amanda actually looked like a serious detective. "I'm sorry. When I tend to ramble. Word vomit is what Scott likes to call it. Luckily it only happens when the badge is off." Amanda gave a nervous laugh. "I realize now, by uh, by your face that I overstepped. There was a line and I crossed it. So now," She took a step backwards. "I'm uncrossing it."

Before Jane could form coherent sentences the door opened once again this time bringing Kate into the room. She looked at Jane's still shell-shocked expression and her partner's serious one. Kate raised her eyebrows walking up to the sink between the two women. "What'd you two do kiss or something?"

"Dr. Isles is straight." Jane hissed completely ignoring what Kate had said.

Kate started laughing before turning to her partner. "You thought so too?" Amanda nodded her head breaking into another smile.

"What do you mean 'you too'?" Jane asked. "Why does everyone think we're together?"

"Oh I cornered the doc yesterday." Kate replied easily. It was incredibly easy to get a rise out of Jane.

"What did you say?" Jane asked incredulously.

Kate laughed. "I was getting a weird vibe from her. So I laid it out nice and straight for her. But apparently I read it wrong. She didn't say anything to you?"

"Oh my God." Jane groaned putting a hand to her forehead. "Why can't people stop meddling in my life?"

"People keep meddling in your life because you're an idiot." Kate answered. "You don't see it because you're in the middle of it. If you just take a step back and look at the whole situation it would really open your eyes a bit. She's completely enamored by you. I've only just met her and I can tell. And you," She pointed at Jane. "You're just stubborn but you are totally taken by her as well."

"People meddle because it's incredibly frustrating seeing two people that belong together not actually together." Amanda interjected.

"We're both straight!" Jane exclaimed.

"Female sexuality is very fluid." Amanda replied

Kate snorted. "Oh, I distinctly remember you being _not _straight back in the day."

"Oh, that's not fair! That was a ph –"

Kate raised her hand in front of Jane's face giving her a pointed look. "A sixth month relationship is not a phase."

"Fine." Jane snapped. "What makes you think Maura's not straight?" She challenged.

"You're getting too caught up in labels." Kate answered back.

"Maybe she is, but she's definitely gay for you." Kate doubled over from laughter at her partner's quip.

"Great. I'm glad you find this so hilarious." Jane said dryly.

The door opened revealing Lt. Emerson. "Rice, I need you out here for a sec if you're all good in here." She turned to the other two women. "We're almost ready to go." She said with a nod before walking out of the bathroom.

"I bet she can't work her iPhone again." Amanda looked at the two of them. "Well it's been fun, ladies." She walked to the door. "See you in a few." She left the room with a slight bow leaving Jane and Kate alone.

"Your partner is psychotic." Jane said seriously.

Kate shrugged. "People cope in different ways." It was the second time in less than a week that Jane had heard that line before. Maybe there was some stock to it after all. "Look," She put her hand on Jane's shoulder, the laughter from moments before completely gone from her face. "No matter how strange you think Rice is, she has a point. I've known you a long time, Jane. Maybe you don't know how you feel yet, and that's fine too. But if there's even a chance there could be something there that you refuse to see, it could really be something magical. Besides," She had a hint of a smirk across her face. "I thought the great Jane Rizzoli wasn't afraid of anything? Or has homicide made you lose that balls-to-the walls lunatic that's always been part of you? What are you afraid of? You've shot yourself and faced a sociopathic serial killer and right now you're afraid of a little blond woman who wears skirts and four inch heels?" She raised her eyebrows at Jane. "That's weak, my friend." She patted Jane's shoulder before she too left the bathroom.

Jane threw her head back with a groan. First there was Frost with his stupid assumptions and then these two women, one of which she had never known before, and their stupid assumptions about her and Maura. It was confusing the hell out of her. She had just gotten back in Maura's good graces and these people were stomping all over that. She sighed. She would figure this all out later. Right now she had to work and try to catch a killer. She moved to her duffle bag pulling out the last piece of her ensemble. She shrugged the black leather jacket on over her tank and checked herself over in the mirror. She definitely did not feel like herself.

* * *

**A/N: **I think I misrepresented myself when I introduced LT. Emerson last chapter. The only reason she even exists is because I wanted the undercover thing to happen so the conversation in this chapter could happen. Because I needed something to push Jane into that line of thinking because she's really stubborn.

Thanks for reviews/alerts for the last chapter! Thanks for reading!


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: **Rizzles? ish? I don't know.

**Disclaimer: **Don't own characters, not making money, etc.

* * *

Maura walked behind Jane as she made her way to her desk. For the last four hours she watched in the van as Jane and the other two detectives flirted with and tried their best to get DNA samples from each prospect. On more than one occasion Maura, Frost, and Korsak had to try very hard not to burst out laughing at Jane's flirting. It was just so out of character for Jane to act so forthcoming.

"Man I am starving!" Jane complained grabbing her duffle bag from under her desk. She turned to Maura. "You want to go to that 24 hour Diner down the road?" Jane smiled at Maura's nod. "Good. Let's go!"

A few minutes later Jane found herself sitting across from Maura at a booth in the diner. Her mind kept drifting towards what everyone had been saying. Maura was the only one that was willing to stand toe to toe with Jane when she was in one of her moods. Maura was the only one that could get her to relinquish her tight grip of control. She ran a marathon with Maura even though she hated running. She drank wine and ate healthier and went to those smarmy functions with Maura even though she didn't care for the people. Maura was different; she was always different to Jane. And Maura had changed too. She drank beer and wore pants more than she used to. She watched sports and got along with her family. She looked at Maura. She noticed the way the florescent light shined down on her hair, the fact that she still smelt better than nice after hours of being inside a cramped van astounded her. She knew Maura's quirky little habits would be annoying in anyone else but in Maura they were somehow endearing. And as much as Jane teased Maura about them she secretly loved the fun facts the doctor randomly spouted out. Maura looked up from the table, her eyes holding Jane's. Jane felt her breath catch in her throat. She could get lost in Maura's hazel green eyes.

"Jane, you're staring." Maura said quietly with a slight smile unable to look away.

At Maura's slight smile Jane felt something inside her uncontrollably shift like a tectonic plate throwing everything she thought she knew off balance. "No I'm not." She said with a small grin of her own. They were interrupted from saying anything further by a waitress. After their orders were taken Jane found herself once again staring at the woman sitting across from her. She watched Maura take a small sip of her water. Maybe all those speculations weren't wrong? Maybe there was something there that she had never seen before?

Maura could feel Jane staring at her but she was lost to her own thoughts. She was still thinking about Jane in that bar.

_Jane had just finished talking to one of the guys at the bar when Detective Mathews' voice broke through the static in her headphones. "Damn, Rizzoli I didn't know you could flirt like that."_

"_Hey," Maura could hear the indignation in Jane's voice. "Just because I don't date, doesn't mean I can't get a date." _

"_Man if I wasn't married…" Detective Mathews trailed off. Maura could hear the slight laughter in his voice. He was teasing. _

"_What're you talking about? You're wife's a total babe." Maura had to do a double take at the grainy screen just to make sure that the person that said it was Jane. _

The offhanded comment threw Maura for a loop. She knew it was probably nothing. She knew people had a tendency to say things like that all the time. But Jane was rarely ever one of those people. As she tried to work through what 'total babe' meant in her mind their food came.

"Maur?" Jane said across the table catching her attention. She had an easy grin on her face. "Just ask me the question already." Maura still looked hesitant. "Okay, look. Honest hour for however long we're sitting here. Consider me an open book. I won't shut you down or out."

"Can I get that in writing?" Maura's smile brightened at Jane's laugh. This was their normal. This was how things were supposed to be. She felt the tension roll off her shoulders. For the first time in months she finally, finally thought they were going to be okay.

"You know," Jane made a show of patting the pockets of her leather jacket. "I don't have room for a pen and paper in this getup. Will a pinky promise suffice?" She grinned offering her left pinky finger across the table. Maura locked her pinky with Jane's. "Good, now spill."

Maura took a small sip of her water as she tried to figure out how to word what she wanted to say. She put the glass back down. "You said Detective Mathews' wife was a total babe."

Jane raised her eyebrows at Maura. That was not what she was expecting. "She is." Jane laughed. She turned her eyes to Maura. "But I'm thinking that's not really what you wanted to know." She paused before looking away again. "If that's your way of asking if I'm a lesbian the answer is no." She bit her lip as she tried to figure out the words she wanted to say. "I mean I've had relations with women. It's a short list. Like a _very_ short list. I date men but there have been women in the mix." She grabbed her fork shoveling some eggs and toast into her mouth. Jane blushed a deep red. She completely avoided looking at Maura.

This new information was like a blind hill to Maura. Her head jerked up involuntarily to look at Jane who was shoveling so much food into her mouth Maura thought she was going to choke. "Oh."

Jane forcefully swallowed the food in her mouth down. "You sound surprised." She commented taking a gulp of her own water.

"We've known each other for a long time; you've never brought it up before."

"It was never relevant." Jane shrugged. "What about you?"

Maura took a dainty bite of her omelet before nodding her head. "Like you it's a short list."

Jane's head jerked up. For the second time that night she found herself looking at Maura under a new found light. Their conversation drifted to much lighter topics the rest of the night until both of their food was gone and they parted ways to go home.

…

Maura breathed a sigh of relief when one of the lab techs knocked on her office door with the lab results from the undercover operation. It was a match to the guy Jane had played a very short game a pool with before he became aggressive. Maura narrowed her eyes at the man's name. No one should ever be allowed to handle Jane like that. Maura wanted to punch him just for thinking that he could. Plus, with the news it meant Jane could make the arrest and they could go back to normal, whatever that meant, and Jane wouldn't have a need to hang out with those Violent Crimes detectives anymore. Maura put on her lab coat before walking out of the office to press the button on the elevator. She stepped into the elevator a few seconds later. If she was being totally honest the conversation with Jane two nights ago at the diner really threw her for a loop. She had no idea that women were an option for Jane.

She walked out of the elevator and into the homicide division. Jane and Frost were both sitting at their desks flipping through files. Jane grinned at the familiar sound of clicking heels. She turned in her seat. "Tell me you have good news?"

Maura nodded her head handing the file she was holding to Jane. "Your intestines were correct." Jane laughed. Maura grinned at the sound. "The last man you were with at the bar is our suspect in at least the third victim's case. His DNA was a match."

Korsak came over to read over Jane's shoulder. "Alec Miller, sure was a creep at the bar. I am not surprised by this at all."

Jane laughed. "Yeah, you're tellin' me."

"This is enough to get a warrant." He nodded at Jane before going back to his desk.

Maura looked around the room noticing that for the first time in a few days that it was just the normal faces in homicide. "Where are detectives Rice and Scott?"

"Oh." Jane turned back to her desk plopping the folder on top of it. "There was a big fight at the high school football game across town. One guy got the crap beat out of him and is now lying unconscious in a hospital room. They were next on the list for a new case. So as of now, unless we need them for anything they will stay downstairs and we will stay upstairs."

"Oh." Maura said leaning onto Jane's desk.

Silence waved through the room for a moment before Frost stood up. "Let's go to the Robber."

…

Detective and Medical Examiner stumbled into the bathroom of the Dirty Robber clumsily. The residual effects of Frost's joke about a dumb robber still hung in the air as they each laughed heartily. Maura leaned against the wall away from the sink staring at Jane. It was very rare for her to see the taller woman look so carefree, so _happy. _It was like she was staring at a totally different person. Happy looked good on Jane. She looked younger, lighter even. An urge rose deep inside the doctor to make Jane feel this way all the time, or at least at more frequent intervals. Maura couldn't keep the grin off her face. She didn't want to. Initially Maura thought it was strange. The detectives weren't the type to celebrate before cuffing someone but these strings of cases had been a hard, not only on a professional level but personal as well, at least where she and Jane were concerned. But now, with the win they had today from the crime lab confirming their theories, they could all use a little pick me up.

Jane looked at Maura with a face cracking grin. There was really no reason to celebrate, no reason for their hysteria. There was still work to be done and hours to be clocked and an arrest to be made. But after the week they had, the whole team needed to blow off some steam. She looked at Maura. She was proud of her and her team. It was nice having someone who wasn't a cop going out with them to drink. All the war stories and funny anecdotes seemed that much better. Maura hung onto every word. Laughing when she thought something was funny and asking questions when she didn't understand something. Every time Maura laughed, Jane felt her heart flutter in her chest. Her revelation at the diner was still completely new to her and she wasn't exactly sure what she should do about it if anything. But right now, everything was okay, for the moment anyways. Grisly murders and horrific acts of violence, the constant pressure and the danger were all gone. All that was left was her and Maura and good friends and good beer and her favorite booth in her favorite bar.

Jane stumbled into Maura resting her head on the shorter woman's shoulder. She was still laughing. She was in that phase of drinking where everything made her just so god damn happy. It was a dangerous phase to be in because it usually meant her filter was completely trashed. She brought her head up and stood as close as she could to Maura without actually touching her. Her hands rested against the wall on either side of the blonde's head, trapping Maura between her and the wall. She stared into Maura's eyes. A quiet voice in the back of her mind told her she probably shouldn't do this, not until she got her shit together, not until she was one hundred percent certain of her own feelings but the voice was no match for the near uncontrollable movements of her body. Maura gently placed her hands on either side of the detective's hips threading her fingers through the belt loops of Jane's slacks. She pulled Jane closer making their bodies sink into each other. Her right hand moved slowly and began lightly tracing the barely visible skin between Jane's belt and the white tank top under her unbuttoned shirt. She too was getting lost in the moment.

Jane closed her eyes repressing a moan as Maura's soft hand slid around to her lower back with the faint of a touch. It was only recently that she realized she wanted this. But now that want was a burning, all-consuming need. Forgetting boundaries and should not's, Jane lowered her head closer to Maura's. She could see the light freckles under the light makeup the ME wore. She could see the crazy color of Maura's eyes. And her lips. God, she wanted to kiss her. Jane moved closer a faint of a smile on her face.

"Jane, you're drunk." Maura said with a slight giggle. She did not remove her hand. She liked it resting just slightly underneath Jane's tank top on the heated skin of her back. The air between them was intoxicating mixed with both of their perfumes, the bitter smell of Jane's two beers and the sweetness of Maura's glass of wine.

Jane shook her head. "I'm buzzed." She moved her left hand from the wall to Maura's neck tracing up to her jaw with a feather light touch. She wanted this. She couldn't remember the last time she actually wanted someone the way she wanted Maura in that moment. Maybe it was the alcohol, but Jane wasn't drunk. It took more than two and a half beers to knock her judgment around. The alcohol may have lowered her inhibitions sure but Jane knew completely what she was doing. That wasn't a doubt in her mind.

Jane wanted to kiss the ME so hard she forgot her name. She wanted to take the doctor home and see just what those stupid yoga classes did to her body. She wanted to let nature take its course. She wanted to wake up the next morning to Maura's bright eyes and go out to her favorite diner. She wanted this now. With her defenses lowered and the beer in her system she finally had the courage to take this step, to think all the thoughts she had been pushing aside. She licked her lips, leaning closer.

"We can't take it back, Jane." Maura's voice was barely a whisper, barely a breath loud. She couldn't keep her eyes away from Jane's lips. She wanted this for such a long time. She would be completely devastated if a heated drunken kiss was all she would get.

Jane paused, pulling back just slightly. Maura was looking at her with big round pleading eyes. She wanted this too, just as badly as she did. Jane was about to shake her head. She wanted to say 'Of course we can't take it back.' Taking it back was the last thing on her mind. She wanted to cross this line with Maura. She wanted to become the ambiguous 'more than friends.' She wanted the 'South end Brownstone' and the picket fence with Maura. There was no one else. No one even compared to the doctor. If she was being honest with herself those thoughts weren't even new thoughts they had always been there hidden because she was too stubborn to look for them. She was about to voice all of this to Maura but the door to the bathroom opened. Giggling women came in wrecking their moment. Noise from the bar filtered into the tiny bathroom. Reality hit. The chip on Jane's shoulder fell along with the weight of the world. Maura dropped her hands from Jane's waist. She felt it too. Jane pushed off from the wall avoiding Maura's gaze as she moved to the sink to wash her hands. A blush crept up her neck tinting her cheeks a faint red.

After Maura washed her hands they walked back into the noise of the bar. Frankie looked at them from his spot in the booth. He didn't seem to notice their red faces or the extra distance between them. "'Bout time you two came out. What'd you do fall in?" He laughed.

"Har har." Jane smacked him on the arm. She pulled out her wallet from her blazer placing enough bills on the table to cover her two and a half beers and Maura's glass of red even though she didn't know if Maura was staying or not. "I'm gonna call it a night." She turned to Maura expectantly.

Maura was very quiet up to this point. Her mind was still reeling at what happened in the bathroom or what _almost_ happened in the bathroom. She was so close to Jane's lips, so close to getting the one thing she had been too afraid to ask for much less think about in the daylight then she had to go and open her mouth. If she hadn't they would probably still be in the bathroom. A warm sensation traveled throughout her body at the thought of Jane's lips on hers, Jane's hands on her body. She looked up noticing everyone staring at her. Maura wasn't one to blush but she felt the full force of embarrassment hitting her face in that moment. "Oh," She squeaked. "I'm ready to leave as well." She grabbed her purse from the booth and started to dig for her wallet.

Jane touched her arm. Maura immediately froze. _Dear caught in headlights, _Jane thought fighting back a grin. "I got it." It took all of her power just to keep her voice even. "Let's go." Her heart was pounding in her chest. As they left she tried to ignore the knowing look the three men at their table shot each other.

Outside the cool air hit them hard. Whatever buzz Jane had been riding on evaporated into the night. "I brought my car. I know you rode here with Frost." Maura's voice cut through her thoughts. "I only had one glass of wine over the course of two hours. I'm okay to drive." Maura knew her voice sounded hopeful, almost begging to an extent. She was not used to being in these types of situations. Though, she thought, one would probably find it difficult to find this a "normal" situation. Jane just stared into the night sky without saying anything. "I can do a sobriety test if you like, Detective." It was a feeble attempt at a joke. If it was said under any other circumstances Jane would have laughed. If it was a normal night Jane would have hopped in the car. They would have gone to Maura's house to drink more and watch movies. They probably would have fallen asleep on the couch like they had done a thousand times. But this was not a normal night. Jane did not laugh. They almost crossed a line and no matter how much they both wanted it at the time it was starting to freak her out. In fact, they got so close to crossing the line that they ended up standing right on top of it. There was alcohol involved. They almost kissed in the bathroom of a dingy bar. Jane mentally kicked herself. Maura deserved more than a rendezvous in a bar bathroom. "Jane?" The fear in Maura's voice kicked her into action.

Jane brought her eyes to Maura's for the first time since leaving the bathroom. "Yeah, sure." She walked to the passenger side of Maura's Prius. "Can you drop me off at my place?"

Maura swallowed her nerves. Maybe Jane _didn't _feel the same way about her. Maybe the incident in the bathroom was just the effects of alcohol and a good time. But Jane had been giving her signs ever since their talk, whether she knew it or not, that she was attracted to her. Maybe that was bias on her part though. Maybe she was reading too far into things. After all Jane was Italian. Italians were notorious for being more tactile than most people. Maybe she had been reading things that weren't there or just seeing what she wanted to see. "Of course." They both got into the car. She just hoped it wouldn't make their friendship awkward.

The silence in the car was driving Jane insane, it was unbearable. So she flipped on the radio dial on Maura's car. Classical music flooded through the speakers. Jane couldn't help the smile that formed on her face. She glanced at Maura out of the corner of her eye. The doctor seemed to relax instantly; it seemed the silence was not good for her either.

Finally Maura parked in front of Jane's apartment. She turned the radio down to an unnoticeable sound as Jane unbuckled her seat belt. Jane got out standing with her left arm on the roof of the car and her right on the door. Her head still poked inside. "I – I uh had a good time." She started awkwardly biting her lip. Jane wanted to kiss her for the second time that night. Little did she know Maura was thinking the same about her. "We have a busy few days coming up." Maura nodded. "Um. Yeah. Drive safe. Text me when you get home?"

Maura nodded her head a second time. "I had a nice time too." She smiled shyly. "I'll text you. Goodnight, Jane. Drink some water before you go to bed, it will ease the headache for you in the morning."

Jane rolled her eyes. "I told you I'm not drunk." She laughed shutting the door to the car.

Jane watched the taillights of Maura's car disappear. She sighed unlocking the door to her apartment. Jo Friday ran towards her, tail wagging so hard her whole body shook. She walked into her kitchen filling and drinking from a tall glass of water. _You have no balls Rizzoli, _Jane thought as she filled Jo's food and water bowls. _Absolutely no balls._

* * *

**A/N: **I didn't write out the whole undercover thing because IRL I am a ridiculously terrible flirt and a generally awkward person so it wouldn't have been pretty. So I thought this would work better anyways. I keep having this feeling that I'm moving too fast and then I'm moving too slow and then I get all confused. So if the pacing seems a little off, I guess that's why.

The scene at the Diner when Jane had her epiphany I remember reading this quote (but I couldn't find it again) where it said something like: you see this person and all of a sudden everything about them seems different you see them in this new light. Like it sneaks up on you and catches you totally off guard. That's kind of what I was going for.

Also, the plan is to have this finished by the premiere of season three.

Thanks for reading!


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: **Quick chapter. Prelude to the next chapter. Language.

**Disclaimer: **Don't own characters, not making money, etc.

* * *

It was the middle of the day. Korsak was gone to get the warrant they typed up signed by a judge, Frost was sitting at his desk, and Jane was pissed off. Maura had been avoiding her all day. She asked the doctor if she wanted to grab lunch an hour ago but she said she was busy. It had been like that all day. It was almost as if they were back to when they weren't talking. The only thing Jane could think of that she did wrong was nearly kissing Maura at the bar the night before. She growled in frustration. Frost looked over his computer screen at her with his eyebrows raised. She glared until he looked away. This was exactly why she didn't want to go down that road, this was why everyone needed to butt out of her damn life because all they did was make it worse. She was perfectly fine having Maura as just a friend. She was happy with that. They could have stayed best friends for her whole freaking life, got married to separate people, and raised their children together. But now all she could think about was Maura. And it was all because of Frankie's stupid t-shirt, Frost and his big mouth, and this stupid, stupid case that brought both of those damn detectives to their unit. Now all she could think about was Maura's lips or her perfume or her dimples or her supreme dorkiness that she found endearing. These were things she never thought of before, things she never wanted to think before. Korsak finally came back with a paper signed and dated by the judge. _Good_, Jane thought, _I need to go catch some bad guys_.

Of course Korsak wanted to do it the right way. He wanted to get the SWAT team together because Alec was a dangerous guy and was rumored to have some guns in his house. Jane only grumbled but called it in anyways. It was near time to go home when everything was finally ready.

Jane was standing in the middle of homicide; she was the last to get ready. She was Velcroing the Kevlar vest to her body and she strapped her gun to her left thigh. Adrenaline pumped through her veins.

Maura stood in the doorway watching Jane for a moment before entering. "I don't want you to do this, Jane."

Jane rolled her eyes. "Maura." She said exasperatedly.

"Don't you think you're tempting fate here?" Maura countered.

"You're being weird!" Jane dropped her hands to her sides. "You've never complained about the way I do my job before. So why now?" Maura didn't respond. "God, you know what?" Jane could feel her temper flare. She knew she should stop talking. She should walk away and catch the bad guy. But she couldn't. Because Jane Rizzoli didn't walk away. "This is my life. It's dangerous." She unclipped her badge from her belt. "You know what this badge means to me?" She shoved the object in Maura's direction. "It means everything. I took an oath and I have a duty to serve. And I'm not going to wuss out because someone doesn't like it." By the end her voice had dropped to a dangerously low tone.

"I'm not just someone, Jane. I'm your best friend! I thought that counted for something."

Jane put the badge back on her belt. "I'm not willing to quit my job for my own mother. What makes you think I would do it for you?" She didn't look at Maura when she said it. Instead, she clipped the radio to her belt.

"I don't want you to quit. I just don't want you to do this." Maura said in a quiet voice. "You're not invincible."

"These guys are SWAT, Maura. They know what they're doing." She stuck the earpiece in her ear. "I don't think I'm invincible. Everyone acts like I have some vendetta to prove and I don't. I don't want to die Maura."

"But you would."

"You're right. There are a lot of things in this world that are worth dying for. But I'll tell you every one of those reasons are also worth living for. I don't go out looking to die, Maura. If I wanted to die I'd be dead already."

"I just think you're taking an unnecessary risk." Maura's phone started ringing.

Jane took a step closer. "What's this really about, Maura?"

"Rizzoli, you ready?" Jane looked to the door at SWAT Sargent Ricky Pool.

Jane stepped away from Maura shaking her head. Once all this was over they were going to have a talk, a big fucking long one, because she couldn't take much more of this passive aggressive shit. With a growl she shoved past Maura. The band aide they put on their problems ripped off and the chasm between them grew once more. Something had to give eventually. Maura answered her phone trying to keep her voice even.

Jane walked behind Ricky. "Having problems with the old lady?" He asked with a laugh. "That's why you gotta date another cop. They get it." Jane saw him looking at his left hand with a goofy grin on his face.

She scowled. "I have enough people meddling in my life. Let's focus on this."

…

Jane rode with SWAT to their suspect's house. Finally the van stopped. The fight with Maura went to the back of her mind as she focused on what Ricky was saying to the group of people. Electricity ran through her veins. This was why she did her job. Nothing ever compared to this. After the plans were said one last time they started their approach. Jane walked behind Ricky with her gun drawn. Korsak was in the van and Frost was somewhere to her left following his own SWAT officer. Jane and Ricky were leading. They got to the door. Jane looked at Ricky who gave her the signal. Jane pounded on the door. "Alec Miller! Boston Police! Open the door!" She shouted in her best demanding voice.

There was nothing but silence. Ricky shook his head. "I don't like this." He whispered to no one in particular. There was a flutter of a curtain. That was all Jane saw. Then the window next to them exploded sending glass flying. Ricky grabbed her arm as gunfire rang out through the early evening chill. They dove sideways just as the door they were standing in front of moments before splintered in pieces. Jane sat up on the grass. The voices in her ear were going chaotic. Gunfire was still cracking but they were out of the line of fire. "I've been hit." With wide eyes she turned to see Ricky who was clutching his right leg as blood spilled over. He looked pale.

Immediately Jane crawled to him putting her own hand against his bleeding thigh. "Officer down. Ricky's been hit in the leg. We need an ambulance." She said into the radio.

"I'm gonna die, Jane." He was sweating a lot and his hands were shaking. He went to war. He knew what this was. "I'm gonna die." He repeated closing his eyes and swallowing hard.

Jane put both of her hands over the wound. "No, you're not!" She said calmly. "Look at me." He did. "You're going to be fine." Jane readjusted her hands. He was losing a lot of blood. "Tell me – tell me about Anthony and McKenzie. How old are they now?"

He grinned. "He's eight now. Wants to be just like his old dad." He coughed. "And Kenzie is four. She just started Preschool." He grimaced. "She's always excited to tell me what she learned that day at school."

"Preschool? Wow!" Jane said. "You gone to career day yet to glorify this job to all the little kids?"

Ricky laughed. "Not yet. Rachel has though." He swallowed hard. "She said they were all very fascinated by the female cop." He coughed. After a moment he said, "I'm fighting spots, Jane."

"I know, buddy." Jane looked around. EMS was on scene running towards them. She didn't even know when the gunfire stopped. "They're here. You're going to be okay." She didn't even believe the words as they came out of her mouth. The paramedics rushed towards them. They loaded him up into the ambulance. She stood still for a moment taking in the scene. She saw paramedics from another ambulance rush into the house. She didn't want to know. She didn't want to think anymore. Frost walked up to her after a moment of deliberation ushering to his unmarked car.

…

Maura sat in her kitchen she was playing with the food on her plate. She really didn't want to eat. The salad was not appetizing at all. The only thing she could think about was Jane. The woman was always in her mind. It was like she couldn't stop it. She had been thinking about the moment in the bar bathroom. She was so close to Jane's lips and then she wasn't. It was like a dance they continued to do. Maura wasn't sure she wanted to play that game anymore. Her phone rang cutting through her thoughts. Immediately she reached for it. It was Frost. Her heart jumped in her throat. Had something happened to Jane? "Dr. Isles."

"Hey doc, it's Frost." He sounded nervous. "There was an incident serving the warrant." Maura clutched the phone tighter in her hand. "Jane's fine. Physically at least. We're at the hospital. I don't know how to explain it but she's just kind of sitting here. Korsak and I don't really know what to do. She needs someone. I would call her mother but I don't think she'd be too happy about that."

"I'm on my way." She said into the speaker of the phone before hanging up. She grabbed her keys with shaky hands and went to her car to leave.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N & Warning: **This is The Chapter guys. And as dubbed by thee, The Chapter has some warnings to go along with it. It's intense. It gets into some heavy stuff. It's very angsty and not fluffy at all. It's very intense. And long.

**Disclaimer: **Don't own the characters.

* * *

Maura rushed through the hospital's front doors the sound of her heels making hurried noises on the tile. She had rushed through the entrance of this hospital so many times in the past year the night receptionist didn't need to see her ID. Instead the older woman in scrubs just pointed her in the direction she needed to go only barely looking up from the computer screen.

Maura tried to steel her nerves and brace herself before walking into the trauma waiting room. The intensive care waiting room was always a sad place. It wasn't like the normal emergency room waiting area. The people in this waiting room had loved ones hanging in the balance of life or death or worse. It was as if the doctors weren't only trying to save the patient's life but their entire families' lives as well. Maura knew because she had been one of those family members on three occasions now. She'd seen this side of the hospital far too many times to ever feel comfortable in a hospital again.

Walking in the room she could immediately tell a cop had been injured in the line of duty. It was another thing she knew from experience. Both uniformed and plain clothes detectives covered the room. Her eyes searched the wide area for the woman she was looking for. It was harder than she expected. Jane blended right in amongst the other grieving cops.

The gruff sound of Korsak's voice caught her ears. She knew Jane would be close to him, he wouldn't allow otherwise. As she was making her way towards his voice the air in the room seemed to shift. A doctor walked into the room calling for Richard Pool's family. A woman in slacks and a Boston Police Department jacket walked towards the doctor holding a little girl in her arms and the hand of an eight year old boy. The florescent light caught the shine of the badge on her hip. The room was encased in an eerie silence. Everyone could hear the doctor's words. He told the woman that her husband was going to be okay. A huge smile broke across the woman's face as she bent down to hug her son. The room felt lighter. Maura knew this feeling too. The pure relief that everyone was feeling was intoxicating. Words were spoken. Afterwards some people left to go home or back on duty.

With the room clearing Maura was finally able to see Jane. When her eyes landed on the detective she felt as if her heart had been squeezed. Gone was the carefree woman from the bar. If Maura hadn't known Jane she would never think in a million years that the woman sitting in the corner of the room was the same person. Jane had that thousand-yard-stare she had only ever seen on Frank Rizzoli Sr. when two of three of his children were in danger of dying. Jane's body was slouched in a hospital chair Maura knew was uncomfortable. Even with the good news the detective was motionless and her face showed a complete canvas of nothing. There were no tears in her dark eyes, no smile on her face at the news. There was nothing. She wasn't fidgeting, her hands weren't shaking; Jane just sat with her hands folded in her lap with a blank stare. It scared her.

Both Korsak and Frost were standing on either side of her, both talking a mile a minute. Frost shot her a look '_do something' _he mouthed at her direction. He was totally out of his element and at a loss of what to do. Korsak seemed to share the sentiment. Out of all of them Jane was the rock. She was the glue that held everyone together. She was always so fierce, giving off the calm confidence that was needed in some of the cases. Even when she was hurting she was still Detective Jane Rizzoli and everyone knew not to mess with her. But this, Maura could tell, this was different. Jane wasn't the rock, she was like putty.

As Maura stepped closer she noticed the sleeves of Jane's dark navy button up top were covered in dried blood. Blood, in fact, was everywhere. On Jane's hands her face her pants. Maura had to remind herself that it wasn't Jane's blood, that it was someone else's blood. And that someone else was going to be okay.

Jane didn't show any signs that she registered Maura's clicking heels. Maura noticed a BPD reflective jacket sitting on the chair beside Jane. In these moments when Jane didn't have the strength or the will to keep her walls up Maura – and everyone else for that matter – was always reminded that Jane was not some invincible hero. Jane was just a human being, a woman, doing the best she could.

Frost and Korsak stepped to the side so she could stand in front of Jane. She reached out grabbing the detective's blood stained hand. The hand was limp in her own. She was getting worried "Jane," Finally dark eyes met hers. Jane looked lost, afraid, like she wasn't quite sure what was going on. "Let's get you home." Maura hauled the taller woman to her feet. Jane wobbled a bit, unsteady on her own feet. Maura wrapped an arm around the detective's waist to stabilize her.

The drive to Jane's apartment seemed to take forever. The fifteen minute car ride was completely silent. Maura wanted to say something but all of her words died in her throat. Jane was still staring blankly ahead not moving a muscle except to breathe. _Catatonic. _Maura thought. Jane was in shock. Maura finally parked her car.

…

Jane stood perfectly still in the middle of her living room. Jo Friday was sniffing her around her feet, pawing at her owner's legs for some attention. Maura sighed as the dog whined a few times before she climbed into her dog bed. Maura grabbed Jane's hand leading the woman into the bathroom in her bedroom. Maura unbuttoned Jane's top pulling it from her shoulders leaving Jane in just her tank top and slacks. She threw the item in the clothes hamper. She grabbed the badge from her hip and unstrapped the gun from her thigh. She just wanted some emotion to cross her friend's face. She wanted to see Jane smile or laugh or cry even. Jane was never this quiet. Maura pulled a fresh towel from the linen closet and put it on the counter. "You'll feel a little better after a shower." She rubbed Jane's bare arms. "I'll just be right outside if you need anything."

Jane nodded her head. After Maura closed the door Jane stripped completely turning on the water and stepped into the shower.

The water at Jane's feet instantly turned a deep red. Her hands started to shake as she reached for the shampoo bottle. She could still hear the gunshots, smell the gunfire. She remembered the door splintering in all directions. Every time she closed her eyes she saw her friend dying. She saw blood. She wanted to scream at their suspect who a few minutes after unleashing hell on the entry team ate his own gun because he didn't want to go back to prison.

She washed the shampoo from her hair and started working in the conditioner. She went to the academy with both Ricky and his wife. They were good people, good cops. He pushed her down. That's why he got hit. She didn't know what was about to happen but he seemed to have a sixth sense about that kind of thing. He shoved her to the ground and got hit in the leg in the process. He almost died. She started washing her body. The more she scrubbed the darker the water turned. Her whole body was shaking. There was so much blood. An uncontrollable whimper escaped her lips.

Maura heard the sound from the other room. She moved to sit by the door resting her hand against the wood.

Jane leaned her forehead against the tile wall in front of her. A violent shake swept through her entire body. She hit the wall in front of her with her fist. Why did all of this shit always have to happen? Why couldn't the universe just ease up on her a bit? Tears fell from tightly shut eyes. Everything that had happened that night finally caught up to her. She wrapped her long arms around her naked torso as if that sole act would keep her whole. A loud animalistic sound ripped from her open mouth.

Maura wanted nothing more than to open the door and hold the other woman while she cried. She'd seen Jane cry all of twice and that was only recently. But this, what was going on in the shower, was something else entirely. Jane wasn't just crying, she was sobbing. It was the sound of a breaking heart, a shattered soul. Maura felt her own breath catch in her throat.

Jane's shoulders shook harder. Her knees quaked. Her cries reverberated in the bathroom. She couldn't control it anymore. Days and months and years of sleepless nights, hard cases, family problems, Maura, everything she never dealt with was hitting her all at once leaving her weak kneed and out of breath. Her chest heaved as she sucked in air. She clutched her chest letting the breakdown run its course. Jane stood in the shower like this until the water ran cold. With shaky hands she washed the soap out of her hair. Gently she got out of the shower.

Maura heard the water turn off and immediately stood to her feet. The door opened to reveal a shaky Jane in nothing but a white towel wrapped around her body. She was still visibly shaking. Her breaths were uneven and short. Maura grabbed Jane's hand noticing how cold it was. "You have to breathe for me, okay?" She grabbed another towel from the closet in the bathroom and wrapped it around Jane's shoulders. She patted it down drying off the detective's arms. "Like yoga." Maura came around to stand in front of her demonstrating how she should breathe. Jane locked into Maura's eyes like an anchor keeping her safe at harbor. Jane grabbed her hand and tried to breathe like Maura wanted. The grip was almost painfully tight but Maura responded with just as much pressure. Maura led Jane to the bed.

"He – he said he was going to die." Jane said through chattering teeth. Maura was digging around in Jane's drawers for Jane's pajamas. With her back turned to the detective she didn't see Jane flinch every time she closed a drawer or the tremor in Jane's hands increase with every little noise. Jane took a deep, stabilizing breath. _You're safe. _She exhaled the air slowly. _It's just Maura._ _You're home and you're safe. _

Finally Maura found all the pieces to what she knew was Jane's favorite pair of pajamas. Jane felt the bed dip as Maura sat next to her. "He's going to be fine, Jane." She reassured. "He's going to be okay because you were there to help him. He's going to be okay." She reiterated. Maura reached up to rub Jane's bare shoulders. She couldn't determine if Jane's shaking was because her nerves were compromised or if she was just cold. "You should get dressed so you don't get hypothermia."

Jane looked down at her body realizing for the first time that she was still in just a towel. "Did you bring an overnight bag?" At Maura's nod Jane wiped her hand under her nose. "You can change while I put these on."

Maura moved her hand to Jane's. "Are you sure?" She knew exactly what Jane was going through. It wasn't that long ago when she saw Jane shoot herself. It wasn't that long ago that she had tried to stop a profusely bleeding wound on someone she cared for deeply. She remembered being the way Jane was, covered in the blood of a friend sitting emotionless in an uncomfortable hospital waiting room chair with Korsak and Frost standing guard. She had sat that way until Angela came to the hospital and brought her into a bone crushing hug. Angela brought Maura to the bathroom to clean her up. She held her hand in the waiting room and when the doctor came out to tell them the news Angela dragged her with her to hear it. Maura stood in between Frank Sr. and Angela Rizzoli like a small child on both occasions the doctor came out. So Maura knew how Jane was feeling, but Maura was more willing than Jane to talk about things. Angela had practically pulled all the words from her mouth in the hospital.

Maura sighed as she went into the bathroom Jane had just vacated. She picked up Jane's bloodstained slacks unthreading the belt and tossed them in the hamper. They weren't ever going to get clean. Maura was just going to have to buy her a new pair. Maura knew how the rest of this would go. She would leave the room and when she walked back in Jane would be pretending to be asleep, pretending that she didn't just have an emotional breakdown in the bathroom. They wouldn't talk about this event because they never talked about these events.

Maura changed into her pajamas, brushed her teeth and washed her face. She heard Jane call out she was decent. She opened the door. Jane was not pretending to be asleep. Instead the overhead light was off leaving only the two bedside lamps on casting the room in an eerie glow. Jane had also brushed her hair and moved to the left side of the bed leaving Maura's side open. Maura paused; did she really have a side on Jane's bed? Before she could ponder this any further she caught movement on the bed. Jane crossed her legs and started fidgeting with the scars on her hands. Maura sat down. "Talk to me, Jane."

Jane flinched when Maura's hand touched her thigh. "The anniversary is coming up." Jane said quietly staring at her hands and avoiding Maura's eyes. "My nerves are – are sh…cracked because I haven't been sleeping much lately." She was about to say 'shot' but then seemed to remember the events of the day and corrected herself mid-sentence.

Maura wasn't expecting this. The truth was she never knew when Hoyt actually happened for the first time. The incident was like a black hole that everyone liked to pretend never happened. She had asked Korsak for the report just to clarify things about Jane's injuries but he just shook his head at her saying if she wanted to read the report she could find it herself. Broaching the subject with Jane wasn't even an option. She tried once and all it did was make Jane go onto an extremely defensive mode. Maura knew that Jane talking about this was a big deal.

After a few moments of silence Jane continued. "After it happened people kept telling me I should've waited for backup. People that were other cops who I knew wouldn't wait for backup if they were in my position were telling me I should have waited. I was in the hospital forever and everyone just kept telling me how stupid I was. But they didn't get it." The words were falling out of Jane's mouth almost out of her control. She refused to look at Maura as she spoke in case she lost her nerve. "I went down in the basement without backup because I had a gut feeling that Melissa was down there, that he was about – about to kill her. So I went in alone." She swallowed hard. Maura didn't interrupt. "When I saw Melissa tied and bound on the bed I got tunnel vision. I let my guard down and that's when he caught me. He hit the back of my head so hard with a two by four that it broke in half." She moved her hand over Maura's which was now drawing patterns on her plaid pants.

She hadn't talked about this since it happened. The only people that knew the whole story were her, the department shrink and whoever had the guts to read the report that was buried somewhere in the evidence basement. It wasn't that she didn't try to talk about it. The shrink told her it might be easier for her the more she talked about it, so in those early days she tried. But she would see the hurt look on her mother's face or the 'please, I don't want to know' expressions on her colleagues' faces. Instead she would stop mid-sentence and agree that yes, she was stupid and yes, she'd do her best not to let it happen again.

"When I regained consciousness he was straddling my waist, tracing the scalpel over my face like it was a feather. Just taunting me." Jane swallowed hard remembering his cold blue eyes and the toothy snare across his ragged face. She knew everything about the man that lay on top of her in that basement. She remembered how after he pierced each of her palms one by one he laughed a sick twisted laugh that still haunted her in her dreams. She remembered how he groped her, violating her in her moment of weakness. She knew deep in her heart, in the part of her that was still a little girl being teased on the playground, that if Korsak didn't come in when he did guns blazing very bad things would have happened. Hoyt would have raped her and then killed her. He would have laughed. He would have gotten away with it. Her name would have been engraved on the wall she walked passed every day at work to get to her desk. Korsak saved her life and they both knew it. It was why he didn't have the strength to talk about that night either.

Jane swallowed once more focusing on Maura's hand on her thigh. "It was the first time in my life that I truly wanted to die. I'd seen his victims. I knew what would happen. I wanted to die so I wouldn't feel it. Then he stabbed my left hand with the scalpel and then my right. There was so much pain. I remember thinking that if I could just move my hands I'd be okay. But I couldn't." Jane shook her head at the memory subconsciously cradling her palms together. Maura's hand has stopped moving on her thigh and instead became just a steady pressure. "Korsak came and shot him before he could do anything else, but the damage had been done." She paused. "I don't know why I just told you all of that." Jane admitted weakly looking down at the bedding. "I've never actually told anyone besides the shrink." She gave a short humorless breath of a laugh before silence fell upon them once more. "Korsak told me while we worked on the Stern case that 'no one breaks you unless you let them.' I feel like I've let a lot of people break me." There it was. That one sentence that's been gnawing at her insides every time she came home shaky and bruised was finally out there in the open. Jane's heart hammered in her chest at Maura's continued silence. _This is why we don't talk about things, Rizzoli; _she thought bitterly, _you scare people. _

"I'm glad you told me." Maura finally said breaking the silence. Jane snapped her head up looking at Maura for the first time, _really _truly looking her in the eye. Maura had taken so long to speak because she wanted to get her words right. This was a deeply intimate experience and she didn't want to ruin it with over the top words and psychoanalysis. She reached for Jane's scarred hands. Jane was looking at her with the saddest expression she had ever seen. It broke her heart. "Sergeant Korsak doesn't know what he's talking about." She began with a no nonsense nod of her head. Jane gave a short, dry laugh. "You're not broken, Jane. You know why?" The detective shook her head. "Because people don't break. Cars break. Glass breaks. Tools break. _Bones_ break. But people, people don't break. We bruise. We cry. We _hurt._ But we don't break. We don't break because we heal. We heal, Jane. We develop calluses and scar tissue to cover damaged areas to protect ourselves. People don't break." She repeated looking Jane square in the eye. "It's okay to talk about these difficult situations. You have plenty of people that care about you." Maura wiped away the tear that was traveling down her best friend's face. "_I _care about you. I'm always here. I won't think any less of you, I promise." Maura wrapped her arms around Jane bringing the other woman into a hug.

"Thank you." Jane said into the medical examiner's shoulder. After a few moments Jane pulled away from the other woman.

Silence enveloped them for a moment before Maura decided to continue. "I think I need to give a better explanation as to why I left after the incident at the warehouse." Jane nodded her held as the seriousness settled back around the room.

"In the life I grew up with confrontation was frowned upon. There were never any explosive emotions. It was all about saving face in the public eye. It created a very tense, very uneasy environment to be around. So I don't handle emotion well. And after – after…" She trailed off. She couldn't bring herself to say it.

"I shot Doyle." Jane finished.

"Yes. I was just so lost. All of these things were happening all at once and I was just spinning out of control. I wasn't thinking about the whole situation. I just saw my father falling from a catwalk. I saw everything he knew about me, about my biological mother, all the 'could have beens' falling with him. I was just feeling so much. It was like a big melting pot of chaos. I just wanted to _not _feel anymore. I needed time to understand what happened. I needed to decompress." Maura was staring at the blanket underneath her much like Jane had done. "When my mother recovered I went to a pathology conference in California and then volunteered some time with Doctors Without Borders in Africa. I hated you." Jane flinched. Maura held her hand tighter. "I did. I think you were the only one that I knew could take it. And even then you were the only one_ there_. You were the only one I _could_ blame. I hated you when I was in California. I had a job offer there. I wasn't going to come back." She trailed off. "Then I got a call from Ian and Doctors Without Borders. They needed another doctor for a month. After a while I missed Boston. I was talking a lot with Ian at this point. I told him how I was feeling. He said it was called homesickness. I have never gotten homesick before." Maura laughed at the memory. "He told me I should go home. That the longer I waited the worse I would feel and the harder it would be. He made all of the travel arrangements that night." Maura paused taking a deep breath. Her relationship with the Australian doctor had changed dramatically since he left her for the last time. Now, they were just good friends. They had spent nights in Africa just talking about the things that had happened, the things that had led Maura to Africa. He was the one that convinced her Boston was where she needed to be, that running away wasn't going to make it hurt less. And that was the heart of it. She just wanted to stop hurting.

"When I got back everything was just so different. I thought you would keep trying to talk to me. I thought when you came to the morgue to get a report we would just slowly go back to normal. But you never came to the morgue. You called me Dr. Isles. You stopped calling. You stopped being you. And I was lost again. I was too timid to take that first step. Then I saw what you were doing to yourself. You were thinner and had this haunted look on your face. Watching you those first few weeks I was back was like the worst kind of heartbreak. You had changed so much. I kept hoping you would come by the house for your family dinners or I could somehow get you alone so we could talk. But you never came. Eventually it just became easier to pretend like we were never friends. Then you were injured and your mother barged into my house demanding that I 'put my big girl panties on and deal with you.' I tried to explain to her that we weren't speaking but she just shoved my purse and car keys at me and pushed me out the door."

Jane laughed. "That sounds like my mother."

"Well I'm glad she did." Maura said with a grin. "Then you were yelling and I didn't even realize that you could have been just as hurt by the whole situation as I was. I read your letter that night and I – I knew your side. It filled in a lot of holes I was missing. I didn't – I didn't know you needed me as much as I needed you." Maura paused searching for the right words again. Jane squeezed her hand. "No one has ever picked me, Jane. I've been abandoned my whole life. I've never been someone's first choice. But you're different, Jane." She said quickly before Jane could interrupt. "You've changed the way I think. You've made me fight for things. You've helped me grow as a person in so many ways. I was homesick because I missed your family, Frost, and Korsak. I missed Bass. I missed Jo Friday, your mother's cooking, arguments your brothers had over sports, and breakfast at the café in the mornings. I missed our movie nights and drinking at the Robber together. Then I was thinking that the only thing on that list that didn't somehow involve you was Bass." Jane laughed and Maura continued. "I realized that the one thing I missed about Boston more than anything was you."

This time it was Jane's turn to pull Maura into an unexpected hug. Maura wrapped her arms tight around Jane burying her face in the soft fabric on her shoulder. "I was tired, Maura. I – I thought you were going to be gone for good. I thought you hated me. And I – I kinda hated myself too. I wanted to punish myself. I deserved what I was getting you know?" She laughed softly, arms still wrapped around her best friend. "But I – I get it Maura. I understand now. And I'm so sorry that I didn't before." Maura nodded her head into the brunette's strong shoulder. For the first time in months it finally felt like their friendship was back on track. A few minutes later they pulled apart. Jane looked at Maura with a slight grin on her face. "Look at us talking about things." She cracked laughing slightly.

"We should do it more often." Maura smiled bumping shoulders with Jane's.

Jane nodded. "We will." She opened her mouth wide as a yawn captured her attention. "Man, I'm tired." She commented when she finished.

"Well, it's been an emotionally draining day." Maura reasoned with her own yawn.

Jane snorted. "No kidding."

They pulled the blanket out from underneath them flipping the bedside lamps off in the process. Jane curled herself around Maura, much to the other woman's surprise. Maura grinned quietly putting her own arm protectively around Jane. Progress was made tonight, they were going to be okay.

…

Then next morning Jane woke up to an empty bed and the smell of something delicious coming from her kitchen. She yawned stretching slightly and made her way to her bathroom and then the kitchen. She grinned at the sight before her. Maura was humming to non-existent music swaying her hips just slightly as she danced around the kitchen. It was so un-Maura like Jane couldn't help but laugh quietly. An image graced her mind of a time years down the road waking up to this every morning after falling asleep with the honey-blond doctor every night. Suddenly all the things she had been feeling over the past few weeks were starting to make sense. "I'm sorry you had to get that call." Jane said making her presence known as she walked into the kitchen.

Maura nodded her head solemnly. "I'm sorry your friend got shot." She placed a plate in front of Jane.

"I was going to go see him later today, during visiting hours."

"Would you like me to go with you?" The doctor asked timidly sitting down with her own breakfast.

Relief flooded Jane's posture. "That'd be nice."

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**A/N: **You guys have no idea how long I've had this in my back pocket.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: **Last chapter. Definite Rizzles.

**Disclaimer: **Don't own the characters, not making money, etc.

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By Sunday Jane was pissed. It was storming out and her hands were aching. To add to the suffering after her little breakdown on Thursday Maura had been acting weird around her. Maura went with her to the hospital on Friday before going home. They didn't talk at all on Saturday. She grabbed the heating pad from off the table. _Talk to me about your problems Jane! I promise I'll be there, Jane. Yeah, where the hell are you now? _Jane thought bitterly putting her left hand on the heating pad. A knock on her door interrupted her line of thinking. Grumbling she stood from the couch. The site before her was not one she was expecting. Dr. Maura Isles stood on the opposite side of her door drenched, dripping wet from head to toe. She was visibly shaking. Jane's previous thoughts evaporated. "Maura are you –"

Before Jane could finish her sentence Maura's lips covered her own. The kiss was fast, one of those blink and you'll miss it kind of kisses. But Jane didn't blink. She didn't miss it. And her lips were tingling where Maura's had just been.

Maura pulled away staring breathlessly at Jane. She kissed Jane and the world didn't stop spinning, the moon didn't fall from the sky and the lights were still on in the apartment. She kissed her best friend and the world didn't end. But Jane was still staring in open mouthed shock. Maura stared at Jane with glassy eyes. "I thought I could keep my feelings controlled. But you – You almost died, Jane! You almost died and I can't anymore." She promised herself she wasn't going to cry but she could feel hot tears falling from her eyes. "God, I'm sorry. I – I have to…" Maura turned to leave.

Jane grabbed Maura's right wrist stopping her movement. Jane gulped. This was one of those big scary life changing moments. This was on par with going into a basement without backup or shooting through herself to get the bad guy. This was serious. What was that poem by Robert Frost? There was a fork in the road and I took the path less taken? Or something? Jane didn't know. Maura would know. Jane bit her bottom lip trying to even out her breathing. That thing that kept shifting inside her finally stabilized. She decided to let her heart rule her head like everyone had been telling her. She swallowed hard pulling on Maura's arm making her face her. It was time she put some faith into their friendship. Maura was there for her and she would still be there after this. Who's to say it wouldn't work out anyways? She picked her path. Tilting Maura's head up she covered the other woman's lips with her own.

The kiss was just barely longer than the first one but everything changed. The little, simmering flame Jane had been ignoring burst into a wild overpowering blaze. All of the maybe feelings floating inside her head finally solidified into hard concrete. And one fact rose above all else: she was completely and irrevocably in love with Maura Isles. This time that thought didn't terrify her. Instead it felt right. When she was a little girl all she ever wanted was to be a cop. The few chances she offered herself to think about her future it was always an older version of herself with a badge and a gun. There was hardly ever anyone standing beside her. But in this moment standing in the doorway to her apartment with Maura, this was where she was supposed to be, this was what was supposed to happen. She wished she could put it into better words but she couldn't. She wanted to tell Maura her little revelation but she couldn't find the words for that either. And Maura? Maura was still looking at her with wide hazel eyes. There were so many emotions floating behind them Jane couldn't figure out what she was thinking. Jane tried to speak but no words came so she did what she always did and resorted to action.

She reached over Maura's head shutting the door behind her. With every step she moved forward Maura stepped backwards until her back hit the door. "I'm bad at relationships." Jane husked looking into Maura's eyes. "They always end. And I've been fighting this, pushing these things down to the point that I refused to acknowledge what they were." With a scarred hand she brushed away Maura's tears. "For a long time. And I really…" Her eyes drifted towards Maura's lips. "Man, this is hard." She laughed. Shaking her head she leaned forward capturing Maura's lips again. This time Maura responded. With both of them moving against each other Jane had never felt something so right in her life. The soft kiss turned to fire.

Maura vaguely heard the door click with a lock behind her. A soft gasp escaped her lips when she felt Jane's body press flush against hers. This was real. "Are you sure?" Because she was sure. Maura knew exactly what she wanted.

Jane pulled away placing hot kisses down Maura's jaw before stopping at her neck. "More than anything." She mumbled into her neck. When her lips started moving against skin she felt Maura shudder beneath her. "Are you?"

Maura finally found herself enough to counteract Jane's aggression with her own. She pushed the detective backwards showering her face with kisses as they went. The back of Jane's knees hit the arm of the couch. Jane fell backwards bringing Maura with her. Maura moved her lips from Jane's neck to her mouth taking a long time before pulling away. She looked directly into Jane's eyes. "Yes." Then they were kissing again.

They were a tangle of limbs and hair. The couch was only slightly uncomfortable to Jane with Maura's weight on top of hers. Thunder droned in the distance. The ache in Jane's hands didn't even phase her. She felt Maura's hand go up her shirt. "Jesus Christ!" Jane involuntarily shouted pushing away from Maura. "You are freezing, Maur!" Jane said before Maura had time to look hurt. She grabbed the afghan from the back of the couch wrapping it around Maura leaving only her face uncovered. She rubbed the smaller woman's shoulders. She pulled Maura to a standing position dragging her to her bedroom. She shoved Maura onto her bed. "Doctors really do have God complexes, huh?"

Maura watched in amusement as Jane walked around the room opening and shutting drawers and mumbling to herself. This was not what she had in mind when she made the decision to come over. She didn't know what she believed would happen but ending up making out on Jane's couch was definitely not on the list.

"What'd you do walk over here?"

"Yes."

"What?" Jane asked incredulously.

"It wasn't raining when I left. I was just going for a walk because…"

"No." Jane said wagging her finger in her direction. "You are going to explain after your shower." She shoved the clothes she collected into Maura's hands. "I'll make dinner." She pulled her to her feet. "We'll talk when you're done. Your stuff is still in there." Jane kissed her on the cheek before leaving the room.

Thirty minutes later Maura came out of the bedroom wearing Jane's shorts and an oversized t-shirt. "That smells delicious!" She said walking into the room. Maura sat down at the table. "I didn't know you cooked."

Jane scoffed before sitting down. "I'm the daughter of Angela Rizzoli, of course I cook." She laughed taking a sip of her wine. "Though, most of my cooking repertoire consists of just Italian dishes."

Maura forked some pasta giving Jane a coy look. "Lucky for me I love Italian." Maura took a bite off the fork with a soft moan. "This really is delicious, Jane." Maura stared at Jane a moment before asking. "Does this count as a first date?"

Jane laughed looking around her apartment. "This is a pretty lame first date location, Maura."

"Well, I wasn't expecting any dates so this is perfect to me."

"I'm sorry it took me so long to realize what was right in front of me." She looked at Maura with a small smile. "And I'm supposed to be a detective."

Maura put her hand on Jane's knee. "I'm just glad we're here."

Jane nodded her head. "We should probably talk about this, huh?"

Maura also nodded. "That would be best, but after we finish eating."

Fifteen minutes later with the dishes in the dishwasher and more wine they made their way to Jane's couch. "What's all this?" Maura asked just noticing the array of items on the coffee table. Bengay, IcyHot, a wrist brace Jane wasn't ever going to admit to wearing in her life, and a heating pad all sat on the table. She looked at Jane with concern.

Jane gestured to the window with her wine glass. "It's raining."

Maura looked down at the hand she was holding seemingly just realizing how tense the small muscles were. Maura put her glass on the coffee table before sitting on the couch. She waited for Jane to do the same before turning so she was facing the taller woman with her legs crossed. She grabbed a tube from the table and Jane's left hand. She started massaging the muscles.

"Yeah, ow." Jane almost jerked her hand a way before Maura stopped her.

"You should let me massage them more often. They're very tense." Maura gave Jane a look.

"Oh yeah," Jane said sarcastically. "Saying, oh hey Maura can you take the time to massage my hands for me? Would really go over well."

Maura gave her a look. "I would." Silence fell over them once again. "Do they hurt often?"

The question caught Jane off guard. "I'm not good with pain questions, Maura." There was a pause. "In the winter it gets harder to write. Sometimes my pinky," She wiggled the finger in question. "Gets all tingly and kind of numb." Another pause. "The pain is mostly tolerable." She finished quietly.

Maura just listened to Jane talk. She traced over Jane's pinky. "Can you feel that?" Jane shrugged. Maura continued the massage. "Can you tell me when it gets not tolerable?"

Jane shrugged. "I'll try." A comfortable silence fell over the two of them. Maura switched hands. After a moment Jane felt something wet hit her hand. She heard Maura sniff. "Maura, are you…" There was another sniff. "Talk to me, Maura." Jane wrapped her hand around Maura's stopping the movement.

"You almost died." Maura squeezed Jane's hand. "You almost died and I've been a mess ever since." Jane reached up wiping the tears from Maura's face. "Why'd you do it, Jane?"

"There's a lot of reasons." She said simply. "You and Frankie. I wanted the man responsible for all that carnage to be held accountable. I didn't want to be a victim again. I'm a cop; it's just what I do." She shrugged. Maura didn't look relieved. "Look, I know I don't have a great track record, but I don't want to die. I do my best to come home every night. I have a duty. And I – I need you to understand that. That badge I wear isn't just a paycheck. I love my job, Maura. I see these people that are brutalized and - and murdered in some of the worst ways imaginable. But I get to find them peace. I get to fight for them. I get to bring them justice. Sometimes in my pursuit of justice I get hurt. And maybe one day I'll get killed. But I need to know that you're behind me, that you – that you have my back. Because I'm not going to quit. I can – I can try harder to be safer. But I'm not going to stop going on raids and chasing leads just because my girlfriend doesn't want me too. If you want this to work you're going to have to learn to deal with the job."

Maura pulled away from Jane with a heavy sigh wrapping her arms around herself. "When you fell to the ground that day it was like my whole world stopped. I was terrified." Maura took a breath. The noise of the gun still echoed in her ears in the middle of the night. She had dreams where she couldn't get the bleeding to stop, where blood just kept pooling out at a rapid pace of Jane's body. In her dreams she saw Jane's dark, soulful eyes turn empty. She never knew that one person could mean so much to her until that day. Jane put a steadying hand on her bare thigh. "You were dying. You were dying and I couldn't do anything about it. I remember thinking that I'm a doctor, I should do something. But there was nothing to do. You flat lined in the ambulance. I watched as they shocked your heart. It took them two times before it started beating again. Then you were in the hospital and there were complications and I was just so scared." She shook her head before continuing. Those days in the hospital had drained her. She watched Jane lying on her back unmoving with a tube in her throat for days. Jane was a fighter everyone kept saying but it didn't matter. Because Jane shot herself. And until this very moment, she never knew why. "If it wasn't for you mother I think I would have gone insane." She looked up at Jane. "I would never ask you to quit your job. I can deal with the job. I just wish you would be a little less reckless."

Jane nodded her head solemnly. "I promise to try."

"Girlfriend?" Maura looked up at Jane with questioning eyes.

"I – yeah. If that's what you want." Maura nodded her head leaning up on her knees to give Jane a light kiss. "I'm sorry I made you feel like you couldn't talk to me. From now on, you need anything I'm here. Okay? Because I'm not just your girlfriend," She smiled at the word. "I'm also you're best friend and that's not gonna change." She pulled the hand she was holding up to her chest resting over her heart. "I'm here Maura. See? Alive and well."

Maura snuggled up against Jane's side resting her head over Jane's even heartbeat. "Just to be clear, we're exclusive." Jane laughed. "So when that nice detective from Bomb Squad goes to you to ask you out, you're going to say no."

Jane laughed. "Who set him up for that?"

"Your mother."

"Figures." Jane squeezed Maura's side. "Of course I'm going to say no. I would've said no anyways." She laughed. "We're going to have to tell my family soon. Oh! Maybe then Tommy will stop hitting on you."

Maura laughed. "How are we going to tell people?" She felt Jane shrug. "I don't want to hide this." She said quietly.

Jane smiled softly kissing the top of Maura's head. "I don't want to either." She felt Maura yawn. "We can figure the rest out later." She helped Maura stand. "Let's go to sleep."

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**A/N: **Holy update palooza! Like I said, this is the last chapter which makes this thing officially done. There's this song called Can't Take it Back by Lucas Carpenter. And it always reminds me of Rizzles. I had it on repeat while I wrote this. Such a good song.

It's been a learning experience to say the least ha. No, really, I enjoyed writing this. This fic was actually the first story I've ever finished in my life so I'm just gonna pat myself on the back for that one. I normally start them and then stop in the middle. So I'm pretty happy that I actually finished this. I'll try to be more consistent with my writing next time. I know there were a few chapters in this story where I was kind of lost and you could definitely tell. But I thought the chapters I knew where I was going were pretty decent, so there's hope yet! I would like to thank everyone for reading this and for all the reviews and alerts and things. I really do appreciate them!

It's been fun! See you after the premiere (maybe)!

And as always thanks for reading!


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